“Then why are you torturing yourself over a stupid little slice of emotion that means nothing?”
“Because it sickens me. Seriously sickens me that I could even have the thought.”
“That tells you something right there,” I said. “You know the thought is wrong. Do you think you’re the only one who’s had a thought they didn’t want? That stupid little imp in your mind plays tricks on you. Mel told me all about it. Give yourself a break. You’re way too hard on yourself where your father is concerned, Bryce. First, you won’t let go of the guilt that he didn’t harm you and was a good father, and now you actually think that one morsel of envy actually means you wish he’d chosen you instead of Cade? That’s not what it means at all.”
“Yeah? What does it mean, then?”
“It’s means you’re a damned human being. You’re normal. You’re dealing with a lot. It’s more guilt.”
“More guilt? How is it more guilt?”
“Because Cade went through something you feel you should have gone through. That’s all it is.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
Bryce
“Say that again,” I said. “Please.”
“What? You’re a human being. Just like me. Just like everyone.”
“No. Not that. The part about the guilt.”
“Well, I can’t take credit. I learned it all from Mel. But it seems like it’s all part of the guilt you feel about having good memories of your father and more guilt about others having to go through hell while you had a good father. It’s not envy. It’s guilt that it was him instead of you.”
God. So simple. And so clear once she said the words. “How can you see something that’s right in front of my face? Yet I was blind to it?”
“Mel taught me a lot. I’ve done a lot of the same things.”
The sliver of envy over my father choosing someone other than me as a protégé to his life of horror suddenly seemed like the nothing that it was. It stemmed from the guilt.
And it was damned time to let the guilt go. “I’m sorry. It’s self-indulgent. This isn’t about me. It never has been.”
“It is about you, Bryce, but it’s not your fault. There’s no reason for the guilt, just like there was no reason for mine. Does it go away overnight? Of course not. But I no longer have to indulge it. I was only hurting myself. In my case, both emotionally and physically.”
I cupped her cheek. “How did you get to be so smart?”
“I always was, babe.” She smiled.
I kissed her lips. “I know. You’re amazing.”
“I still think you should talk to Mel,” Marj was saying. “I’m certainly not qualified to—”
I silenced her with a kiss.
I had every intention of talking to Melanie once she and the baby were home. I knew these things weren’t solved in a day. But a huge brick had been lifted off my chest by this wonderful woman in my bed.
I was okay. I wasn’t jealous of Cade Booker. I felt guilty that it was him instead of me.
We had to find him. While he was out there, I could never be sure of Henry’s safety or baby Brad’s, or even Marj’s for that matter. He blamed me—and Joe—for what he’d been through.
But part of me hoped Cade could find a life of peace eventually.
Being my father’s protégé couldn’t have been an easy life. Not at all.
Still, the man had been watching us for how long, now? I was pretty sure his so-called “friendship” with Joe at the leather club was all a part of him keeping tabs on us, and once my father died…
He came in for the kill.