The thought of her not wanting to be with me eats away at me, like a thousand fire ants biting and pinching into my skin. The itch is there, the desire to be something to her, yet I’m afraid to scratch because of who she is.
Guys at school talk about her. I hear all about the things they want to do to her. I don’t know if this is normal, I’ve never liked a celebrity before. The only person I can ask is Dylan, but I’m afraid of what she might say. I know she doesn’t like me talking to Hadley. The look Dylan gave me in the courtyard was evidence enough. I wonder if Dylan feels like this is her fault. Does she not want me to be happy?
Hadley can make me happy. I know this deep down in my heart. I don’t care about the girl all the guys are fawning over. They don’t know the real Hadley. They only think they know the one who stands on stage night after night singing her heart out.
They don’t know that she likes to be held or how soft her hair is. They don’t know what her lips taste like or how they mold and fit perfectly against mine. These are secrets that I know about her and intend to keep.
When my parents’ door shuts, I know this is my cue. I have to text her. I can’t wait any longer. Tomorrow is too far away. I need to see her now.
I need to see you.
I pace back and forth, no doubt wearing a hole into the carpet with my hand in my hair, tugging at the ends. I keep looking at my phone, counting the seconds, minutes, until I see her name appear on my screen.
What’s taking her so long?
She doesn’t drive. Or maybe she does. I’ve only ever seen her get into a car and Alex was driving, but maybe Alex isn’t with her this trip. No, I’m sure she is. They are inseparable. Why isn’t she texting me back?
I look at my message, it says delivered. I know she got it. Unless her phone is off. No, her phone is never off. Maybe her manager came with her and is keeping her busy.
I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now.
My parents’ door opens and closes again. There are faint footsteps. They stop in front of my door. I step carefully to my bed and sit on the edge. I slide as quietly as I can onto my mattress, cautious of alerting whoever is standing at my door that I’m awake.
They’ve never done this. At least, that I’m aware of. I can’t tell if someone is still at my door or not. My phone vibrates in my hand. Hadley is calling me, her gorgeous face lighting up my screen. I can’t answer it, not now.
I hit ignore and immediately feel my stomach drop. She’s going to think I don’t want to talk to her and that’s not true. I need to tell her before she has these thoughts.
Parents are up and standing at my door.
She’s going to run for the hills. I would if I received a text like that. There are more footsteps and another door opens and closes. I can make out some movement. A light comes on, illuminating the hallway. Shadows pass in front of my door, but they don’t stop. Maybe they were just checking to make sure I’m asleep.
Call me soon. I’m at the church ;)
I look down at my phone and re-read the words that she sent. Relief washes over me. She does want to see me and couldn’t wait, but does that mean she’s here to break-up? I won’t let her, I can’t. She makes me feel alive. She makes me feel things I’ve never felt and I want to explore those feelings with her.
I have to sneak out. That is the only answer.
I’m on my way.
She’s worth getting in trouble for. That is what I tell myself. She’d do the same thing for me. I get up, not worrying about the noise. I pull up my blinds and slide my window open. Getting out is the easy part. I hoist myself up and onto the windowsill and jump. I look back, half expecting my bedroom light to be on. I slide my window shut, leaving just enough of a gap so I can open it later.
I walk along the house, peering around the corner. I don’t see any movement. Nothing to alert me that someone is out there lurking around like me. I duck under the kitchen window and turn the corner, hurrying along the side of the house. My shoes squeak in the wet grass, likely leaving footprints marking my escape.
When I get to the front, I look at the picture window. I notice there are candles burning in the living room. They’re red, casting an eerie glow. Never have I seen my mom burn a candle. I didn’t even know we owned any. I look harder, stepping closer. My mom is sitting on the floor, a book in her lap, probably her Bible.
I turn away and run as fast as I can until I’m at the end of the street. I don’t know what I just witnessed, but I definitely don’t want to see it again. I slow down and jog the rest of the way to the church. I wonder if my mom will check on me. I sort of hope she does so that she’ll at least talk to me.
When I get to the church, I run to the tree where we last sat. She’s not there. I hear the creak of metal against metal and realize someone, I hope her, is on the swings. I walk fast, trying not to be so eager until I see her. My stride is wide, covering as much ground as possible.
She stands. I walk faster. Her arms are down at her sides, her face beaming. I don’t care how dark it is, I know she’s smiling. I’m in a dead sprint, scooping her up into my arms when I reach her.
I bury my nose into the crook of her neck and inhale. I need to bottle her up so I never miss the way she smells when I’m not with her. Her arms wrap tightly around me as she giggles. I feel her lips, pressing tiny kisses against my neck. This is what I want. What I need. She’s answering my questions without me having to find the words to ask.
I can’t wait any longer. I set her down and pull back so I can see her, take her in. She’s in jeans and a sweatshirt, looking nothing like the other girls in my school. My hands cup her face. She holds my wrists, anchoring us together.
I lean in. She lifts her face, her eyes looking from mine to my lips. She steps closer, as if that was even possible. Her hand finds my hair, allowing mine to spread out, my fingers working into her hair. My heart beats faster. It’s in my throat. I swallow hard and wet my lips.
“I want to kiss you so bad.”