“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, Hadley.” He turns my chin so that I’m facing him. His eyes, the ones I fell so deeply in love with, are greener today than blue. I learned over the years that the color often changed depending on his mood or his clothing. Today, I’m not sure which is making the change for him. The thing about Ryan is that he can read me like an open book. I should be thankful, except I’m trying to keep my emotions in check. I’m hurt, angry and stupid, and I feel like I’m chasing after someone who is standing still just out of my grasp with each step I take.
“You bought a car, and I wasn’t here to see it. I feel incredibly lost and stupid right now,” I blurt out and watch his eyes widen at my mini tirade.
He leans back in his seat and shakes his head. “I didn’t buy this car. I rented it for the day so you didn’t have to walk.” He runs his hand through his hair before looking at me. “I’m lost too, Hadley. Since you showed up, I’m not sure what to think anymore. My head is spinning, and my thoughts are racing a mile a minute, but you’re far from stupid.” He leans forward, his lips puckered. My body sighs when his lips press against my forehead. He doesn’t pull away at first, and I take that as a sign.
“I wouldn’t mind walking,” I put that out there, letting him know that I’m going to be as flexible as I can be.
“Where I want to take you is pretty far.” He pulls away and starts the car. When he pulls out into traffic I look behind to see if any of the paparazzi are following us. Thing is, I wouldn’t know. We sat long enough in the car to give them an opportunity to. I just hope they don’t rain on my parade. I just want one day.
I want to kick my own ass. For days, I’ve been avoiding Hadley, and everything seemed to be working in my favor. Phone calls went unreturned, and text messages were replied with only a word or two. I wasn’t going to give her any room to weasel her way back into my life. A life, mind you, that I’m trying to rebuild. A life in which, I have a girlfriend.
My girlfriend, Jessica, is a sweet, beautiful and completely understanding woman, and she showed up at my apartment last night looking so forlorn. Letting her in was a mistake. Not because I don’t love her but because of what she said and did. When she sat down, she opened her bag and poured almost every magazine cover featuring Hadley and me on my coffee table. I sat across from her, looking at the stockpile wondering what in the hell she was thinking. When she explained to me that for the past few days she has been researching us, against her better judgment, she came to the conclusion that Hadley and I have unresolved feelings that need to be taken care of before Jessica and I can move on to the next step in our relationship. I balked. She walked out, leaving all the magazines lying haphazardly in front of me, reminding me of a past I’m finding hard to forget.
Pure torture. I caved, and now here I am in the seat of a rental car driving my ex fiancée, who is still wearing my ring, to Cape Cod. When I texted Hadley, asking her if she wanted to spend the day with me, I hadn’t a clue what to do. To say I feel both awkward and relieved makes me feel like I’m a walking contradiction. I love Hadley and seven or eight months ago I would’ve welcomed her back with open arms. But when you start giving your heart to another person who deserves to be loved, it’s hard to just shut yourself off.
I decided on one of the most sought-after vacation spots in New England, knowing that she wants me back, and I’m here because my current girlfriend thinks this is a good idea. If I ever hear a woman say men are confusing, I’m going to sit her down and tell her my story.
Waking up this morning, I thought this would be a piece of cake. I’d show up, take her out and go back to ignoring her. Jessica would be happy. Hadley would leave. I’d go back to my daily business. Except she opened the door, and I saw the real Hadley staring back at me, not the pop princess that everyone loves and worships. I saw the sweet, loving, beautiful woman that I fell in love with, twice in my life, giving me her biggest smile. I also saw that smile fall when I refused to cross the threshold of her hotel room. Yet I didn’t hesitate to offer her my arm, and that’s why I want to kick my own ass.
Sitting beside her now, I have my hand under my leg as I drive across the Bourne Bridge. I glance over at her every so often and watch her as she takes in the sights. She lets out little squeals of delight when something catches her eye, and with each one I want to pull my hand out from under my leg and touch her. I want to feel her skin against my fingertips because I’ve missed her. Had I not offered her my arm back at the hotel, I don’t think I would feel this way… maybe.
“Oh Ryan, the air…” she has her window rolled down and her eyes are closed. It’s in this moment that I realize what town I need to take her to.
“It’s a lot different than New York,” I put out there. I wanted her to move with me, but she was never keen on the idea. Not that I want her to now, but I want her to love this area as much as I do. I want her to see that she was wrong and that we could’ve made a life here. She doesn’t reply, and I know I struck a nerve with her. It wasn’t my intention, but I’m pleased with myself for doing so.
I pull into the parking lot and watch in amazement as her eyes light up. Waves are crashing against the rocks. Kites are flying high in the sky, and there are yachts and sail boats, visible from where we’re parked, floating out in the ocean. I was smart enough to think ahead and brought a blanket, just in case. Until I pulled in here, I wasn’t sure what we were going to do today. After getting out of the car and grabbing the blanket, I open her door for her. She takes my hand, but as soon as she’s standing, I let go. The hurt on her face doesn’t escape my notice and the ache in my heart grows. I’m not a free man though, and she has to understand that.
We walk side by side and trudge through the sand until we decide on a spot to sit. It’s peaceful out here and I thought about moving to the Cape, but with my job being mostly in the summer and the traffic, I thought better of it.
As soon as we’re sitting, her sandals are off and her toes are digging into the sand. I laugh as she wiggles her red-polished toes free, only to push them under again.
“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been to the beach?”
I shake my head. “Unless you went without me…” I shrug, not sure how to finish my train of thought. It pains me to think of Hadley with someone else, but I can’t fault her if she was. Doing so makes me a hypocrite.
“Years, Ryan. The last time was with you.”
I pull my legs up and rest my arms on top of my knees. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what I’m about to say. “Hadley, you asked me when I was seventeen where my dream date would be, beach or home, and I said beach.” I shake my head and refuse to look at her. “I shouldn’t be here because I’m with Jessica, but I am, and this is something we should’ve done a long time ago. Ending our relationship the way we did was wrong. We owed it to ourselves to be better for each other, stronger.”
“I know,” she whispers.
“We’re both at fault for the demise of our relationship, and something tells me that you’re not accepting that we’re over.”
She shakes her head and looks at me. “That’s not it, Ryan. I didn’t take off my ring not because I didn’t want to accept we were through, but out of respect for you and your new job. I didn’t want the media all over you, and I didn’t want it to spotlight the tour. I know I’m a selfish person. I know I don’t deserve to be here right now. We used to make sense and then one day we didn’t. I think for a bit we wanted different things, and now we’re here. As much as I’d love to think we’re on the same page, I know we’re not.”
She’s right. We weren’t.
“I think our lives would be so different if we had stayed together when I was seventeen.”
She nods. “I know they would be, but you wouldn’t be happy. We needed that break. You had to grow and I really needed to find myself. I just hated that we lost each other in the mix.” Hadley mimics m
y position, but lays her head on her arms and looks at me. “Do you regret us?”
I shake my head slowly so she can see me. “Never. I love you, Hadley. I think I always will.”
“Where did we go wrong?”