I readjust on the couch, moving to the other side. The cool fabric meets the back of my legs, calming me. “My mom worked a lot more than my dad; h
e was close to retirement so he was home a lot. After we had ice cream, Evan walked me home and introduced himself to my dad. Evan was raised military so he was very polite when he needed to be, and he charmed my dad big time. But I had rules, and they weren’t meant to be broken. For the first month, Evan could come over, but not into the house if neither of my parents were home, so we’d sit on the front porch and drink iced tea. Only when we’d go for a walk or when we’d go to the park, would he sneak kisses. Evan asked my dad if he could take me on a proper date before he asked me. That’s how I knew he was serious about me.”
“So tell me, do you believe in love at first sight?”
“I do… did. After you’ve been through what I have, I think you start being cynical and acting detached. You start asking yourself if you loved enough or what you could’ve done differently. More importantly, you ask yourself if he knew that you loved him more than anything before he died, because you can’t bear the thought of him questioning your love for him when he’s out there risking his life with bullets flying by his head and his friends lying on the ground with blood coming out of places it shouldn’t. I can’t…”
“Do you want to take a break, Ryley? How about we take five then we can continue. You’re doing great and this isn’t about right or wrong answers, this is about finding you.”
I nod and get up to use the bathroom. Of course, it’s attached to her office so there’s no escaping. I close the door and lock it. I’m afraid to look at my reflection in the mirror. The person staring back is not me. This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. I never thought in a million years that I’d have to make the decision that I’m making now. My life was planned out, it was perfect. I was going to have my house with a big yard so our dog and son could play happily. I was going to meet Evan at the door every night or at the base when he came home from a mission. Everything was going to be fine.
I splash water on my face and dry my hands before heading back into the room. I look at my watch quickly and surmise that I’ve only been in here for fifteen minutes. It seems like hours, and we’ve only scratched the surface.
I sit back down and cross my legs. I smile softly, letting her know I’m ready.
“Okay let’s try a new topic. You’re engaged now?”
I look down at my ring. In a few short weeks I’m to walk down the aisle with only my family present. Nate’s mom and sister want to have nothing to do with the ceremony. I understand to an extent, but Evan was gone. Am I not allowed to move on? Is Nate not allowed to love me because of who I am?
“That’s why I am here, to see if you can help me sort this mess out, tell me what I should do. Do I marry this man who has been everything to me for the last five years? The man that is the only dad my son – his nephew – knows? Or do I do what is expected, what you see in the movies and go running back into the arms of the man that I love, the man that I was told was dead? That’s why I’m here and why he …” I point to the window where I remember Evan sitting on the other side, waiting for me to make a decision. Everything weighs so heavily on my shoulders. “Evan is out there waiting for me. Waiting for an answer I don’t have. Can you just give me the answer?”
“Life isn’t a movie, Ryley.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. “I know it isn’t because if it was, I’d hit rewind and start all over. I’d start by telling Evan…”
“YOU KNOW, EVAN, SOMETIMES talking about what you’ve been through makes the outcome easier to deal with.”
I adjust, stretching my legs out in front me. This is my relaxed posture, even though I feel rigid as hell and extremely uncomfortable. I had wanted to do this on base, but understood Ryley’s reluctance of stepping foot there. The girl I left behind loved the military. She accepted my job into her heart and life with open arms. She encouraged me to be the best, to be better than I thought I could be. Now she wants nothing to do with the Navy, and I can’t really blame her. I want everything to do with her though. Not having her in my life, especially since I didn’t know she was gone from it to begin with, is unacceptable to me.
“Do you have PTSD?”
My head rises sharply as I glare at her. PTSD isn’t something to mess around with and surely if I had it, I wouldn’t be talking to a civilian doctor on how to deal with it. Docs on base are trained to deal with who we are when we come home from war or a conflict. I’m not saying she’s not, but it’s different.
“I wasn’t captured or held hostage. It wasn’t like that.”
“What was it like?”
Bringing my legs back up, I lean forward on my knees and clasp my hands together. “Everything I do, everything my unit does, is classified. You get to walk the streets enjoying your freedom because of what we do out there.”
“I’m very appreciative of the freedom your actions and those of the military have afforded me as an American.” She leans forward making sure she has my attention. “I’m not the enemy here, Evan, I’m here to try and help. I’m here to see if I can give you and Ryley some resolution over the situation. I’m not saying I can, but I’m hoping that by the time we’re done here today, you both leave with a path that puts you where you need to be.”
“I doubt it,” I mumble, looking away from her penetrating gaze.
“You can’t fill your mind with doubt, Evan. If you do, it eats at who you are and makes you less of a person. You, Ryley and Nate are in an unfortunate situation, one that can be blamed on a number of people and circumstances.”
“I trusted my brother to keep her safe, not get into her pants.”
The doctor leans back in her chair and shakes her head. I don’t care if she doesn’t agree with me. It’s what happened. It’s how I see things. He knew what I was doing. He had to know we lost communications. It was all written there in my file, and I saw the words written out with my own eyes. Nowhere did it say we were presumed dead. Nowhere did it say we weren’t coming home.
“Someone lied to Ryley and to me. Someone has to pay.”
“What if that someone is the Navy, Evan? Have you stopped to think about that possibility?”
“Why would they do that?” my voice breaks slightly, showing too much emotion for my liking. I readjust, leaning back. My hands grip the arm rests, waiting for her to elaborate on her theory.
“It may not have been intentional. It could’ve been a clerical error. I want you to think about all the options here. Was everyone who was assigned to your mission there when you came back? Did anyone leave for a different post, retirement or not reenlist?”
I don’t want to think she’s right or onto something. We’re all professionals, errors like this don’t happen. A funeral was had, a body flown back. I’m assuming the CACO showed up on my steps with the chaplain behind him to notify Ryley that I had been killed. Did this happen?