The moment I saw him walking toward me when he first got back, the hole in my heart started to fill up again. That was the pain I was feeling that day, along with the fear that I was only imagining him standing before me. I was afraid this was all a cruel joke and that he was going to disappear the very second I touched him. It’s why I couldn’t accept that he was real, that he was back from the dead. No one would ever be that callous. But they were. Someone sat by and watched my, and others’, world crumble without a second thought. Now they’re sitting back and watching us try and rebuild the lives that have been destroyed.
Evan places his hand on my shoulder and the automatic reflex of my head resting on top of his happens. I close my eyes and feel the warmth radiating off of him. As soon as he pulls away, my eyes are open, and I’m watching our son drive around the backyard in the toy Jeep Evan bought for him. I told Evan he can’t buy his love, and he assured me he’s not. He’s just trying to make up for missed birthdays.
When Evan walks in front of me, I gasp and quickly cover my mouth. He sits next me and pulls my hand away from my mouth to hold it.
“What’s wrong, babe?”
He knows what’s wrong, but is going to make me say it anyway. “It’s the NWU’s. I didn’t think… I don’t know what I thought.”
“I’m still enlisted, Ryley.”
I nod, knowing this, but I didn’t think I’d see him wearing NWU’s any time soon. “I know, Evan. I’m just a little taken by the sight, that’s all.” I try to recover, but the wavering is there. If I had my way, he’d retire, but I know he has to be on active duty if he wants to find out what happened to him and the guys.
“I told you, I don’t think they’ll send me anywhere. Our unit is too much of a risk right now. Did I tell you that Frannie is going to the paper?” I shake my head. “She says this mission was a cover up for something big and people need to pay. She plans to take it all the way to Capitol Hill to get answers.”
“Do you think she will?” I look at Evan and he looks hopeful. Answers won’t change our situation, but they might give us some closure.
“I’m trying to remain optimistic.”
I smile at him before turning my attention back to EJ. We have our first joint counseling session today and we’re just waiting for my dad to get here. I was hesitant to even go to therapy, but have to admit, she made me think about a lot of things in my life. One thing that’s giving me a lot of pause is my upcoming nuptials to Nate. Honestly, I’m not sure getting married to him, or anyone at this point, is the right thing to do. I need to find myself and get over my anger of having lost six years with Evan.
“Hey, you still with me?” he shakes my hand, bringing me out of my funk.
“Yes,” I say, stretching my legs out in front of me to get my blood flowing.
“Your dad’s here, we should go.” Evan stands, pulling me up by my hand that he
won’t let go of. I’m thankful EJ doesn’t ask me why we’re always holding hands because honestly I won’t be able to give him an answer. I kiss my dad on the cheek as we pass and continue to allow Evan to guide me to the car. It’s my car, yet he’s driving. I guess some things never change.
Evan and I climb the stairs to the therapist’s office, hand in hand. I’m starting to think he’s glued to me. I’m not complaining, but think this might be awkward for the doctor. Not that Evan will care. As soon as we’re in the waiting room, the receptionist directs us into the same room where I fell apart, emotionally and physically.
We step in and I’m instantly hit with the sun shining through the window, bouncing off the pale yellow walls and making the artwork shine. I look around confused and wonder if we’re in the same room as before.
“What’s going on in your head? Evan asks.
I shrug. “This room looks different,” I say as I take a seat in one of the two chairs in front of her desk. As I look around, I notice fresh flowers by the window and picture frames containing the doctor’s various degrees. On her desk, the nameplate reads Helen Howard. It’s odd how I didn’t notice this before.
“I was thinking the same thing. This room was gloomy and this chair hurt my back. Hell, I didn’t even know she had a name.” he mumbles right as Dr. Howard walks in. She smiles as soon as she sees our joined hands, and I know she’s getting the wrong impression.
“It’s good to see you both again. I take it things are going well?”
Evan nods, while I shake my head. And there it is, our first disagreement. Her face falls and her eyes look again at our hands.
“We’re not together, if that’s what you’re implying,” I inform her.
“Not yet, it’s only a matter time.” I roll my eyes at his confidence.
Dr. Howard folds her hands and rests them on her desk. “Shall we get started?”
We both nod and I cross my legs, directing my foot toward Evan so I can kick when I need to.
“Who wants to start?”
“I do,” Evan answers her before I have a chance to. He adjusts slightly in his seat. “I don’t know what you said to Ryley in her session, but I want to thank you. If I could kiss you without harassment charges being filed, I would do so. That night,” he takes a deep breath. “I met my son and had dinner with Ryley, EJ and her parents. It was literally the best night of my life, and I’m hoping to have with more nights with them. But, Ryley is upset with what I’m wearing, and I don’t know how to help her be comfortable with my job without damaging what we’re trying to rebuild.”
Dr. Howard looks from Evan to me after she makes her obligated notes.
“Ryley, do you want to talk about that fear with Evan?”