If I return.
Having Penelope on my bike now, with her hands caressing my skin, even if she’s not meaning to, makes me realize that I like her there. I’m enjoying the way her legs are pressed against my hips and the way her fingers graze my skin so innocently.
Pulling off to one of the lookout points, I set both feet down and shut off my bike.
“Watch,” I instruct, pointing to the sky. Without hesitation, she rests her head on my shoulder and I instinctively lean into her. I like it. I like the way I’m feeling with her right now. She’s here because she wants to be, not because of who I am.
“What am I watching for?”
“Birds.”
“It’s dark, I can’t see a bird in the dark. No one can.”
Realizing my mistake, I shake my head. “Fighter jets. They’ll be coming to land in a second.”
“How do you know?”
Because I wanted to be one until I found the SEALs.
“When you live on base, you follow patterns.” Before I can say anything else, two jets appear and align themselves for landing.
“Are you a pilot?”
“No, I’m not cool like that.”
“So what do you do?”
Kill bad people.
“I’m the guy who protects you while you sleep.”
I STARTLE AWAKE, SITTING up abruptly and holding my head from the impending headache that’s about to come from my instant head rush. Beads of sweat pebble on my neck and forehead while my body shakes uncontrollably. My heart races as I struggle to calm my breathing. The last thing I want to do is have a full-blown panic attack, which would require Evan or Ryley to come to my aid. They don’t need to see me like this. This isn’t who I am.
Pushing my hands over my face and through my hair, I work to bring myself back to reality. It was just a dream, of the day that Penny and I met. But I saw through her. I recognized her embarrassment when she spoke words that she didn’t intend and I knew I wouldn’t let her get away.
Except, I didn’t want her to stay. I didn’t want her to fall in love, only to be hurt when I didn’t return. Or returned as a man she didn’t know. I didn’t want those things for her, but she wanted me. Telling me over and over again that loving me whether it was for a day, a week, or a hundred years was worth the potential heartache she may feel down the road. Penny was the optimist in our relationship.
After that first night, we spent the rest of her vacation together. When I’d get off work, I’d go pick her up and bring her back to base. We’d sit on the sand with our toes buried, watching the waves, the ships, and planes land. I didn’t wine and dine her like I should’ve because I needed her to see what my life was like. When I was off work, that’s what I did, besides go to Magoos to hang out with my friends. She needed to see how mundane and laid back things were for me.
I introduced her to my friends and she fit in as if she had been a part of our lives since basic training. I knew I had to do something to let her know I was interested, but didn’t want her to think that she had to give up her life back home to be with me.
So I kissed her, underneath the moonlight and on my motorcycle with birds flying overhead and the crash of waves surrounding us, and I didn’t stop until the sun was peaking over the horizon. I didn’t want to stop, but work called and so did her return flight.
When she left San Diego to return home I didn’t take her to the airport. I left that to her friends. I had already monopolized all of her nights and I didn’t want to take away their good-byes as well.
I tried to occupy my time at work, waiting for her to text me and let me know she was home, but it never came. I had no doubt in my mind that once she got home she’d realize a life with a SEAL is near impossible. A lot of women, and some men, can’t handle the military. It takes a special type of spouse to marry a service person. You give up a lot, for very little in return.
The night Penny left, I went to Magoos to drown my sorrows. Tomorrow would be a new day, but that night I was going to mourn what I could’ve had if things had been slightly different. I know that if I weren’t in the Navy I would’ve never met her, but it was still nice to think about.
Two beers in, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I tilted my head slightly, never looking behind me, only to tell the female that I wasn’t interested. Then she spoke. The way my name fell off her lips had my body zinging. I turned on the stool and took her in, with her blonde hair pulled into a ponytail and her sunglasses resting on top of her head. Penny stood in front of me with her luggage at her feet.
Hi was the only word I could muster. Penny had made it to her first stop, only to get off and buy a flight back to San Diego.
That night, dressed only by the light of the moon, I made love to her. She moved in that same night. I had a small studio apartment off base and we made it work.
A month later I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. What followed was frantic planning which was tossed aside when orders came in for deployment. Her dream wedding was no longer an option for her and we went to the justice of the peace instead.
Our wedding night consisted of lovemaking until we could no longer keep our eyes open. She knew I was saying good-bye without using words. The war had escalated and too many of us were dying. I wanted her to know and remember how much I loved her.