"I need to talk to you and this is the only… time I've been able to," he mumbled.
With mock solemnity she said, "I know, wives are such a drag."
Skipping ahead to his point he began, "I got an interesting phone call today."
"Really? Please tell me all about it."
"Why are you being so mean?" he asked abruptly.
Sighing, she told him, "Because I am attempting to have a relationship with your brother and that would be a lot easier if you would stop calling me. We have nothing else to talk about, Matt."
"You're having my kid, dammit, there's plenty to talk about. Politics, weather, baby names—these are just off the top of my head."
"I already have the baby's name picked out, and you get absolutely no say in that as you are not going to be in his or her life."
"And who is, Aaron? My mom called me today, Julie, and do you know what she called about?"
"Global warming would be my first guess."
There was an agitated noise on the other end, then, "Why does she think Aaron is the father of my baby?"
"Because Aaron and I have decided that he is going to step up in your place," Julie explained.
"You don't think it's a little soon in your relationship to do that?"
After a pause she said, "Well, in the beginning that was a concern, but the way we figured it out is that it's no different than if I really had gotten accidentally knocked up—which I did, just by the wrong person. We're just disregarding that little detail and treating the whole situation the way we would if it really had happened this way. So it's fine. Accidental pregnancies happen. This isn't a relationship thing between us, it isn't contingent upon—you know what, why am I explaining this to you? You don't need the details. All you need to know is that you're off the hook. You can tell Emma to rest easy, and you don't have to worry about this whole ugly ordeal ruining your perfect little family. This is what’s best for everyone involved. I am having my kid, he or she never needs to know about Mommy’s poor judgment, and Aaron is just going to take your place.”
"We're not interchangeable!" Matt objected.
"I don’t want to fight about this," she said calmly. "I am very happy with this arrangement. If you take a minute to think about it, I think you will be, too. It’s the best solution for everyone involved."
"Julie… I want you to stop and think about this. What about… what about what I offered you? I meant what I said, I really do still want you in my life. I mean, I can't leave Emma right now, but Julie, if you will just be patient and work with me… I already had a plan. I'll help you with a place to live, I'll completely decorate the nursery—”
"I somehow doubt your wife would like that plan."
"Well, she wouldn't know about it, so it doesn't matter what she thinks."
Making a sound of disgust, Julie said, "You know what, I have to get back to my life right now with the guy who doesn't want to hide me away in some remote townhouse until he finds the right time to 'leave his wife.' The story has been told way too many times, and I'm just not that girl. Maybe you can find another dumb one somewhere, but just… stop getting women pregnant would be my advice."
"Look, Julie, Aaron can't have kids. That's the only reason he's doing this. He isn't doing it for you."
"I know that. I wouldn't want him to be doing it for me, Matt. Then if his feelings for me end so does his dedication to my kid. This isn't your business anymore, just be glad that you don't have to deal with it."
"But… I want to deal with it."
"Sorry, that option isn't on the table anymore."
There was a pause while Julie presumed the conversation was sinking in, then he said, "You know, biologically the kid is mine. If I wanted to, I could force this issue. A DNA test would prove I'm the father."
Rolling her eyes in irritation, Julie said, "Please, Matt. You think your wife is going to let you get a DNA test to take on the financial burden of a kid you had with your one-time mistress? Be realistic."
Unable to argue that logic, he said, "I just… I don't like it, Julie."
"Well, I don't care what you like, Matt. Now I have to go, we're home."
"Would you just think about what I offered you? Think about it, Julie. If I wanted out I would accept this out you're giving me and send you a fruit basket or something to show my gratitude. I want to keep you in my life."
Feeling extremely uncomfortable as Aaron shot her a sideways glance, Julie said, "I'm hanging up now. And no, I will not think about it. There's nothing to think about. Good night, Matt. And goodbye."