Ella was asking questions now, about those early days, about how her mother had managed, information flowing until Samantha found it hard to breathe.
“It happened at Christmas.” Gayle spoke quietly. “I think that’s why I was never able to see Christmas as magical. I associated it with the worst time in my life. But being around Tab made me remember the Christmases I’d had before that time. With my parents. Happy times. I don’t know what happened today—habit, I suppose. She was asking a lot of questions, and the words came out before I could stop them. Have I ruined everything?”
“No.” Ella shook her head. “Thanks to Brodie, she is still happily anticipating the arrival of Santa.”
Gayle slumped. “Thank goodness for that.”
“She does ask a lot of questions, and sometimes it does wear you down, so I do get it. But I can’t bear to think you went through that at Christmas. And you emerged from it this strong, independent person. I could never in a million years have been as brave as you’ve been.” Ella choked, scrubbed her palm over her cheeks.
Gayle stirred. “I think you’re one of the bravest people I know.”
“Not true. And as we’re all being honest here, there’s something I haven’t told you—” Ella’s gaze skidded to Samantha, but she felt too exhausted and confused to give her sister any direction.
She was on her own with this decision.
Ella sat up straighter. “I’m not working at the moment. I haven’t worked since Tab was born. My choice. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, and Michael supports that. And me. He supports me, financially at least. Although I do intend to go back to teaching in the future. Not because I don’t feel our relationship is secure, but because I love it so much. And I’m good at it.”
There was a long silence.
Finally Gayle spoke. “You didn’t tell me.”
“No.”
“You didn’t feel able to tell me. That’s on me.”
“No, it’s on me, for not being braver. For not owning my decisions. I avoid confrontation.”
Gayle stirred. “There are many different types of bravery. You love without hesitation. You leap, even when there is no promise of a safe landing. You encourage your daughter to explore her world, but you don’t hold her back. You offer a safety net, but not a restraining harness. You made your choices and were sure of them, even when I tried to make you doubt yourself.”
“But now I understand why you were afraid for me.” Ella took her mother’s hand. “It makes sense.”
“Maybe, but it doesn’t excuse it. From now on I will be respecting your choices, starting with your family life. He’s a good man, your Michael.”
“Yes, he is.” Ella sat a little straighter. “I love him... I respect him. I need him, but if something happened to him, I’d survive. It would be unspeakably hard, but I know I’d survive. I never doubted my ability to handle what life threw at me. I have you to thank for that. And I should have said it sooner. I should have recognized what you gave us.”
Samantha stood up abruptly, trying to get her head above the surface before she drowned.
Was she the only one struggling to process all this?
“I have to—I’m sorry—I need air.”
Ella jumped up. “Are you—”
“Fine!” Samantha held up her hand like a stop sign and backed away toward the door. She didn’t want a hug. She didn’t want conversation. She’d already had more than enough, and now she needed to be on her own. Ella and their mother would bond and heal all those cracks, but she felt removed from it all. “I need—I just need—”
“Time to process.” Her mother caught Ella’s arm to stop her following Samantha. “Take as long as you need. When you’re ready, we can either talk, or not. Whatever works for you.”
She wasn’t used to her mother being so understanding.
She knew she still owed her mother an apology for the things she’d said that last time they met, but she couldn’t handle that right now. She couldn’t handle any of it.
All the things they hadn’t known—
All the things they might have done differently—
Her father—
She mumbled something, left her mother and sister to continue their conversation and headed down the stairs with no particular destination in mind. The emotions inside her grew, the pressure building until she was dangerously close to exploding.