First Time in Forever (Puffin Island 1)

“Who cared for Lana when she was born?”

“My mother had to. It helped that Lana was very pretty. My mother discovered it got her attention and she liked that. Used it. I’ve often wondered if her childhood contributed to the person Lana became. She was insecure. She learned early how to make her looks work for her. When Lana was about seven, my mother met someone. He was older, no kids of his own. He owned a nice house in a good neighborhood and we moved in.”

Ryan stilled. “Is this going to end badly? Because if so, I might need to top up my wineglass.”

“No. He was a good man. And that’s the weird part because I never understood what he saw in my mother. I think it was complicated. Something to do with having lost his own daughter to drugs and wishing he’d done more. I don’t know. At the time, I didn’t question it. For the first time in my life I had a room of my own, plenty to eat and access to all the books I could read. Those books saved me. I spent my time lost in worlds that didn’t look anything like the one I was living in. I studied hard because I didn’t want a life like my mother’s. It was because of him I went to college and met Brittany and Sky. When he died, he left me money. I think he knew if he didn’t give it directly to me, my mother would drink her way through it.”

“And Lana?”

“She was scouted on the subway one day. She worked a short time as a model, then turned to acting and loved it. I think because it gave her the perfect way of avoiding reality. Each film represented a new fake reality. That’s why she fell in love with her leading men. To her it was real. And when the filming ended, so did the relationship. Every time.”

“Do you think she meant to have Lizzy?”

“I doubt it. Lana wasn’t the sort who would be prepared to share the stage with a child. She wanted to be the center of attention. I don’t think she saw much of Lizzy.”

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“So in that way she was like your mother.”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

“And the two of you weren’t in touch?”

“I hadn’t heard from her in years. That was my fault.” It was painful to admit it. “I made no effort to bond with her.”

“Because you’d already lost one sister. She could have made an effort, too. She didn’t have your reasons for keeping her distance.” He leaned forward, picked up the bottle and filled her glass. “Drink.”

“You’re the one who should be drinking. I can’t believe I dumped all that on you. I bet you’re just dying to run screaming through that door.”

He didn’t budge. “Now I understand why Brittany told me you were in trouble. She was the one who suggested you come here?”

“When we were at college, we made this pact that we’d help each other if we ever needed it. My friends gave me something my family never had. A sense of security. I know that, no matter what happens, Brit and Sky will always be there for me. And I for them. When I first heard I was Lizzy’s guardian, the priority was to find somewhere safe to stay. The press had been crawling all over the house. I was told that she needed to be kept away from everyone so that she could just process her grief and learn to live life a little. We talked about having security, but I couldn’t see how that would do anything but draw attention. No one knew I existed, so the safest thing seemed to be for me to take her and disappear. But of course the first thing a child wants to do when they see Shell Bay is dig in the sand.” She breathed. “I should have stayed in New York.”

“But you wouldn’t have had help in New York.” He was silent for a minute. “Emily, it wouldn’t take much for the press to find out Lana had a half sister.”

“But if they find that out, they will also find out Lana and I hadn’t seen each other for years. They’re not likely to link us.”

“They could.”

It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, and she felt a ripple of unease. “Even if they did, they wouldn’t look for me here, would they? There’s no trail.”

“No.” He turned his head and gave her a smile that was probably meant to reassure her but didn’t.

“You’re speaking as if you have knowledge. Have you ever been targeted by the press?”

“No.” He eased his arm away from her and rose to his feet. “But I know how they operate.”

“The lawyers thought the story would probably die. That if I lay low, the journalists would get bored. I paid cash for my ferry ticket, so they shouldn’t be able to trace me, and no one is going to be looking for the daughter of a movie star in rural Maine.”

“That’s true, and even if they come, you’ll be protected. The islanders are a close community. We protect our own. If the press arrive, then we’ll be ready for them.” He turned to look at her. “Thank you for telling me. Now I understand why you don’t feel you’re the right person to care for Lizzy.”

She sagged against the sofa. “You do?”

“Yes, and for the record, I think you’re the perfect person.”

“You’re wrong. I know the same thing won’t happen again because I won’t let her go near the water, but this is about more than her personal safety. It’s about not being able to give her what she needs. Bringing up a child requires more than just accident prevention. To flourish and grow, a child needs to be loved. They need a parent, or parent substitute, who cares about them. It was only when I saw Kathleen with Brittany that I discovered how love could look. I can’t do that. I can’t give her what she needs. I can’t love another child. I won’t.”

“So why didn’t you say no? She could have been put in foster care.”