Jessie lifted her head and stared into the darkness, listening to the sea and the night-time breeze playing with the mast. The lights from the yacht illuminated the surface of the water and the peace of the night seemed only to emphasise the turbulence inside her. ‘I don’t want to talk about my brother.’
‘You can’t go through life avoiding every subject that hurts.’
‘All right, let me put this another way.’ Her fingers tightened on the rail but she didn’t turn. ‘I don’t want to talk about my brother with you.’
‘Fine. I’ll talk. You listen.’ His voice was rough. ‘If he were standing here now, he wouldn’t be blaming you, he’d be blaming me.’
‘Well, he’d be wrong. You’re not responsible for my decisions, Silvio. I’m the one who followed you into the bedroom—’
‘And I’m the one who crossed the room. I’m the one who finally snapped. It was always going to happen. And Johnny knew it.’
Suddenly it was difficult to breathe. ‘That’s not true.’
‘Why do you think he was always so protective of you?’
‘He was my big brother—’
‘And he felt the chemistry between us. He knew how I felt about you. And he was scared for you. He thought you were too young to be involved with someone like me and he was right. You were.’
His words were such a shock that they took a moment to sink in and when they did the effect on her was profound.
The knowledge that Silvio had felt that way about her for so long was more intoxicating than the champagne and Jessie felt a dangerous heat spread through her limbs. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’ Her fingers were holding tight to the rail. ‘You never looked at me.’
‘And you have no idea how much self-discipline that took.’
It was unspeakably painful, hearing the words she’d always dreamed of hearing when it was too late. But, still, she had to know.
‘I wasn’t a child. You could have said something. I don’t believe for a moment that if you really wanted something you would have let my brother stop you.’
‘I would have done, but then Johnny chose to put himself between us in the most effective way possible.’
Jessie closed her eyes. ‘That’s an awful thing to say.’
‘He was frightened of losing you, Jess. All his real friends had turned away from him. The only people he saw were dealers and people like him. And you. No matter what squalor he lived in, no matter how low he sank, you were always there for him.’
‘He was my brother.’ She whispered the words into the darkness. ‘I would always have been there for him no matter what he did or who I was with.’
‘But his mind was too twisted from the drugs to see that clearly. You were as important to his survival as the syringes and tha
t filthy stuff he craved.’
‘If you hated that “filthy stuff” so much, why did you give him the money to buy more?’
‘Because I made an error of judgement.’
‘And is that what happened tonight? Another error of judgement?’ It felt strange, having this conversation in the semi-darkness, without looking at him. But it made it easier somehow. Easier to say what needed to be said.
‘Tonight wasn’t an error of judgement. More a loss of control.’ Coming from him that was quite an admission and Jessie gave a tiny laugh.
‘Don’t blame yourself. I could have said no.’
‘Did I give you a chance?’ His hands closed over her shoulders, turning her to face him. ‘Did I give you time to think or hesitate?’
‘I could have stopped you.’
‘Because you’re so much stronger than me?’ He gave a grim smile, his hands exerting minimum pressure as he backed her against the rail, proving his point with ridiculous ease.
‘I didn’t say you weren’t strong.’ Her heart was racing in a crazy, dangerous rhythm. ‘I said I could have stopped you.’