• I took a leap of faith, and told Jason I would sing Drew’s song.
• Mack came to my flat twice a week to help me learn Nobody Knows, and practice with his guitar.
• Lucy was so excited I’d agreed to Jason’s plan, she called me every two days to check I was still going through with it.
• Jason spent my visiting time with him telling me everything would be fine, and making sure all was in place for my performance to go smoothly.
• Drew started going to counselling sessions at the rehab centre to help him and Jason try to work through their problems.
That was my favourite part of the weeks leading up to my big performance. According to Jason, Drew wasn’t entirely happy about going to therapy, but he cared enough to try, and after everything, I was proud of him for making the effort.
It was Drew’s strength that helped me reach my decision about singing for him. If he could push through the pain to get his relationship with Jason back on track, I could battle my nerves to show him how much he meant to me. I would. Being apart from didn’t get any easier. In fact, every day of those three weeks seemed to drag me down more. Having something to work towards was the only thing keeping me going when all I wanted was to hole myself up in my room and torment myself for the mistakes I made. I needed Drew to know how sorry I was, and maybe take away some of the misery I knew he felt. Whatever happened afterwards, he had to know I was sorry.
The night of Razes Hell’s comeback gig was hotly anticipated around town. It wasn’t exactly a homecoming, because they’d barely hit the big time before everything crashed and burned; that
was the word used in the local newspapers. The people of St. Ives, especially those with invites, were buzzing about the first live performance since Jason left rehab, and even with my nerves building, I couldn’t wait to see them back on stage where they belonged.
Amongst the people on the guest list were the band members’ families and closest friends, a bunch of local fans the guys knew because they always came to their hometown shows - including Natalie the nurse. A few workers from the rehab centre also blagged invitations, and finally, members of the local press. No nationals had been invited in. Derek made it clear no videos were to be taken at the show, only photos; partly because the band wanted to keep the show on a small scale, and partly to protect me from having my stage debut posted on YouTube – a consideration I was supremely grateful for.
“Oh God.” I shook my hands and jumped up and down to use up some of the nervous energy pumping through my veins. “I think I might throw up.”
Lucy giggled. “Ellie, stand still. You’re making me anxious!”
We were hiding in the toilets of the only pub in town big enough to host the event, and people wandered in and out while I bounced around like Tigger on a sugar high.
I’d learned the lyrics. Rehearsed until my throat was sore. All that remains is doing the one thing that terrifies me.
Put myself in front of people and risk complete humiliation.
It didn’t matter that the majority of those people were family and friends, people I knew, who wouldn’t judge me. That sort of made it worse. At least with random band fans, I wouldn’t have to see them every day, giving me pitying glances and muttering how they’d admired my courage for putting myself out there while being secretly glad it wasn’t them who’d embarrassed themselves in public.
“Lucy, I don’t know about this.”
“Don’t. We’ve been through this. We’ve been through every single horrible possibility. We’ve imagined every bad thing Drew could say, and has it helped? No. It’s turned you into a wreck. Ever heard of positive thinking?”
“Easy for you to say. It’s hard to be positive when everything you want is resting on a song.”
I’d intended to avoid Drew until the show started. Unfortunately, he was the first person I bumped into when I walked into the pub with Lucy and my parents.
He looked so good. So. Good. Ripped jeans, and a black button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows. The mix of formal and scruffy made my mouth dry out and my legs shake. I somehow choked out a hello, and I thought I saw him give me a quick once over before muttering he had to finish getting ready.
It happened again. Ache in my chest, spreading to my stomach and through my limbs until the tips of my fingers and toes throbbed with the pain of missing him.
I darted into the loos immediately after, and didn’t intend to leave until the band’s first song started.
“You’re ready for this. You need to do this.”
“I need to puke.”
I turned to look at myself in the mirror, staring at my reflection and trying to find some internal bravery. Before I had chance to locate my inner diva, someone knocked on the door of the ladies room. Lucy and I exchanged puzzled glances, and she disappeared around the corner to see who was weird enough to knock on the door of a pub toilet before entering.
“Is she in here?”
Jason.
“Yeah, she’s in here. You might as well come in, there’s nobody else around.”
Oh goody, it’s pep talk time. I needed one. I wasn’t scared enough to run away, but I began to think, if Jason wanted Drew to hear me sing, he’d have to drag him into the toilets because my feet were starting to take root right there.