Forever Right Now

“Olivia is my daughter,” he told the courtroom. “She is, no matter what that test says. And in a few weeks, none of this would have mattered. I would have crossed that arbitrary finish line the law has drawn in the sand, and petitioned to have my name put on her birth certificate. And it would’ve been done, no matter the test results. But there is a line, and simply because we’re on this side of it, I could lose her.”

I was riveted to Sawyer, but out of the corner of my eyes, Holloway whispered frantically to the Abbotts. They shushed him with shakes of their head. Everyone in that room hung on Sawyer’s every word.

“I have raised Olivia since she was three months old. She calls me Daddy.” His voice cracked and my heart cracked right along with him. “That test? It doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t need it to tell me how I feel, or how much I should love that little girl. I love her with every molecule in my body, and it doesn’t matter that none of mine match any of hers. I don’t care that they don’t. I never did.”

He heaved a steadying breath. “I took a paternity test before. Ten months ago, after Molly left the baby with me. That test didn’t matter, either. It had only been a few days but it was still too late. Since the minute Molly put Olivia in my arms and said she was mine, she was.”

I bit the inside of my cheek, but tears streamed down my face anyway. Mrs. Abbott dabbed her eyes with a tissue and her husband pressed his fist to his mouth, listening.

Sawyer turned to them, his eyes full. “I know you don’t know me, but Olivia does. Please don’t take her from me. Please. She’s my daughter. She’s my little girl. Thanks…thank you.”

He slumped back down and it took everything I had not to jump out of my chair and go to him, to hold him. Jackson gripped his shoulder and said something but Sawyer only shook his head, covered his eyes with his hand.

Judge Chen looked to the Abbotts who were talking in hushed, urgent voices at their attorney, who whispered and gestured back in a mess of confusion.

“Mr. Holloway,” the judge said, “is there something your clients would like to say?”

Reluctantly, the lawyer got to his f

eet. “Your Honor, we’d like a conference in chambers.”

Judge Chen’s face remained impassive, but I could swear I saw relief touch his features. He nodded.

“Granted.”

I watched as the bailiff led the court reporter, and both parties to the judge’s chambers at the rear of the courtroom. Jackson put his arm around Sawyer, who moved like a sleepwalker carrying a thousand pounds on his back. Just before he stepped into the chambers, he turned and our eyes met. His beautiful face was painted with anguish and hope. I smiled through tears and gave him two thumbs up.

The smallest twitch of a smile touched his lips, and stepped inside. The bailiff followed him and shut the door behind him.

I let my hands drop and my tears fell with them. I felt like fool for giving him such a silly gesture but it’s all I had. That and hope, because it was so apparent that if he lost Olivia, nothing would ever be okay ever again. And I realized with a horrible pang that added to the already heavy anguish in my heart, that losing Olivia would hurt me too. More than I realized.

Minutes ticked by. I was the only person in the gallery besides the Clerk who sat at her desk, shuffling papers. She had the results of the DNA test. I wanted to hurdle the rows of benches, tear it from her hands, and rip it to pieces so no one could ever know what it said.

Finally, the chambers’ door opened and a jolt of panic and hope jerked me ramrod straight. The judge emerged first, his face impassive as ever, followed by the Abbotts, who exchanged nervous smiles with each other. I craned my head, practically jumping out of my seat, until I saw Jackson’s wide smile and Sawyer…

I love him.

The thought tore through me with heat and electricity both.

Oh my God, I love him. I’m in love with him.

I was in love with Sawyer, because in that moment, his happiness—the wholeness of his heart—was the only thing that was important to me. And I realized too, that all times I’d thought I’d been in love before were nothing. Infatuations of my lonely heart. I had no thought for myself in that courtroom. Only love for Sawyer and the fervent hope that nothing would ever hurt him.

I drank him in, searching for a sign of what happened in that meeting. His eyes were red-rimmed but and he looked shell-shocked; heaving a sigh—of relief?—and answered Jackson’s smile with a wan one of his own. As he crossed the courtroom, his eyes found mine. His smile widened a little, and then he turned to take his seat.

I sucked in a breath. The judge cleared his throat.

“The Petitioners have requested a motion to delay reading of the order for paternal DNA results until the Respondent has completed his bar exam for the State of California, scheduled to be begin on Monday of next week. The motion is granted. The test results will remain sealed until that time as this Court reconvenes on the following Friday. Plaintiffs, in addition to their prearranged weekend custody, are granted temporary, supervised custody of Olivia Abbott, the minor child, for the three-day duration of Mr. Haas’s bar examination. Hearing adjourned.”

He banged his gavel and Sawyer slumped in his chair. The Abbotts approached and words were exchanged. Jackson shook Mr. Abbott’s hand. Alice Abbott moved to Sawyer and it looked to me like she was trying not to touch him or hug him. She looked like a mother regarding her son, and hope took flight in my chest. A few more words were passed between them, and then the Abbotts left, both giving me a nod as they did.

I hurried around the partition to Sawyer and Jackson.

“What does this all mean?”

“It means the Abbotts didn’t want to tank Sawyer’s bar exam with bad results,” Jackson said. “We haven’t won, but this delay gives me hope that no matter what happens, the Abbotts are flexible.” He elbowed his friend. “Either that, or susceptible to your manly displays of emotion.”

Sawyer heaved a ragged breath. “Now what do I do?”