Forever Right Now

His jaw clenched and anger hardened his features in a way I recognized; when he was overcome with emotions and didn’t know what to do with them. The anger was directed inward, as if he thought he was a failure for having them.

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His dark eyes caught and held mine. “I wish Olivia was staying with you.”

I reeled at the words. Words that meant he trusted me. That my past didn’t scare him. It was like a gift of hope, that maybe there was still a future for us too, even if we couldn’t see that yet either. Hot tears sprung to my eyes.

“Me too,” I said.

Sawyer

The front door buzzed promptly at eight a.m. I had Olivia bathed and dressed, and her bag packed until the zipper looked ready to burst.

Like the bag Molly gave me the day she left.

“I’m not giving her up,” I muttered, jamming her sippy cup into a side pocket. “It’s just for five days and then…”

I couldn’t see anything after that. All the prepping and studying and planning ahead wasn’t going to get me out of the unknown. I was that kid again, standing in the foyer of my house, blue and red lights flashing, waiting with a horrible anticipation for what was to come.

The buzzer sounded again. I picked Olivia off the floor. “Come on, baby. Time to see Grandma and Grandpa.”

I took Olivia down to the Abbotts, into September’s amber light. The smiles on Gerald and Alice’s faces were genuine and it felt impossible to hate them.

But if they take Olivia from me, how could I help it?

The court-appointed supervisor, a kind-faced woman named Jill, waited by the BMW, as the Abbotts and I stood in a tense silence.

“Good morning,” Alice said as I came down the steps with Olivia in my arms. “How are you, little one?” Olivia rested her head on my shoulder. “Tired, honey?”

She wasn’t tired. Olivia wasn’t a complainer; she was resting her head on me to stay close. I tightened my hold on her.

“And how are you, Sawyer?” Alice asked quietly.

“Fine. Why did you ask for a delay on the DNA results?”

She and Gerald exchanged glances.

“As we stated at the hearing, you have your big exam,” Alice said. “We…didn’t want you to be distracted any more than you probably are.”

“We didn’t realize you had so much going on right now,” Gerald added.

Newsflash, folks: there is no good time to rip apart a guy’s life and take his kid away.

The words were on my lips but I swallowed them down. Animosity wasn’t going to get me anywhere, and I didn’t want Olivia to feel it and be wrapped up in it.

And you like them, a voice sounding like Jackson spoke up.

“Thank you for that,” I said grudgingly.

Alice smiled nervously. “We hope you do well on your test, and when you get back, maybe we can all have lunch?”

“Alice,” Gerald said in a mild tone of warning.

“Just a thought.” Alice smiled.

“Sure. Lunch,” I said, trying not to sound like a complete asshole, but goddammit, they were going to take my daughter and drive off with her and the pain was squeezing my heart so I could hardly breathe.

It’s just five days…isn’t it? Please, God, I can’t do more than that.