“What?” She raises her voice, her eyes wide in shock.
“That last night in The Hamptons, we got married. Don’t ask me how he pulled it off. I still don’t know, but it happened. He kept asking me to marry him, and he took me to this house. Outside in the gazebo, the man, he performed the ceremony.”
“Are you fucking with me? You married Lex? You’re Mrs. Edwards?”
“Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“So, you are married to Lex, and this may be Julian’s baby? My God, Charlie, it’s like The Young and the Restless.” She shakes her head while muttering something to herself.
I don’t know how long I sit there, numb, unable to process how fucking foolish I feel for being caught up in all this. I don’t cry, not one single tear has been shed since my breakdown in the drug store. Maybe I should have, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I’m unable to feel the pain now like I have some sort of shield. Staring blankly at the tests, it feels like hours later when I speak again. “Nikki, you need to get back to Will.”
It’s all I can think of. She has a family who needs her—her son needs her, her husband needs her. Family. Why does that word frighten me to the core?
“Charlie,” she says softly, moving a loose strand of hair away from my face and tucking it behind my ear. “They’re fine. Do you want me to make you something to eat?”
I laugh out loud, very loud, unable to stop, hysteria finally taking over—the tears of laughter roll down my face. Nikki can’t cook to save her life—the irony isn’t lost on me even in the state I’m in. She laughs along with me, and minutes later, we both sit there trying to catch our breath.
“Okay, so can I order you something to eat? Charlie, you need to eat, whether you like it or not, it’s not just you that you need to take care of now.”
Sure, I know that.
The memories come flooding back to me, the pain now overwhelming as the tears leaving my eyes are tears of sadness. I can’t stop sobbing uncontrollably as the fear sets in. I can’t be a mother. I’m not able to carry this baby inside me nor do this all alone. Nikki holds onto me, and sometime during the night, I fall asleep curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor.
I wake the next morning on the floor, a pillow under my head, and my grandmother’s knitted blanket covering me. I sit up, quickly searching the room, but it’s empty. Wait, did I dream all this? My body aches as I take in my surroundings. I had slept on the bathroom floor which only means one thing, I’m really pregnant. I hear the click of Nikki’s heels on my floorboards. She’s dressed, ready for work, and must have gone home sometime during the night.
She hands me a mug. Thank God, I need coffee. Taking a sip, I scowl as the taste of tea lingers in my mouth.
“Don’t look at me that way. No more coffee for you.”
“Nikki, one cup won’t hurt.”
“No, it won’t, but you don’t know how to drink only one cup a day. Listen, I have the Henderson court meeting in an hour. Will you be okay? You know I wouldn’t leave, but I’ve been working on this case for months.”
“Of course, I understand. I’ll just get changed and see you in the office later.”
“Look, I’d rather you rest, but I get it. You need the distraction. Just promise me if you feel ill, you’ll go home right away? I’ll have my people watching you, so don’t try to be a hero today.”
I nod, silently. Nikki grabs her briefcase and makes her way to the door and turns around to face me.
“Charlie, you’ll always have us. Rocky, myself, and Will. We’re your family. Even when you have lost hope and think you’re walking through this pain alone, remember, we are here for you no matter what you decide.”
I smile, though it’s painfully forced. As she closes the door, I sink back onto the floor, my tears falling without my permission. The walls feel like they are closing in, the roof caving on top of me ready to bury me under its weight.
I have to find the strength just to get through this one day, and maybe tomorrow, I can start answering the questions I have been desperately pushing aside.
In a zombie-like-state, I shower and change into a simple pair of black dress pants, a white collared shirt, and my black boots. Unable to even think about hair or makeup, I place my hair into a bun and apply a small amount of foundation and mascara. I don’t want to raise any alarms with Eric, or anyone else for that matter, so I grab my lipstick to touch up the rest of my face. At least I look somewhat decent.
As I step into the office, I feel different. The confidence I usually carry with me is shattered. Instead, I carry this burden, this thing, this… I can’t even bring myself
to say the word.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I have to do this. Do what? Carry on with work or raise this… again that word. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me like they all know. In a self-conscious move, I scan my stomach. Impossible, I’m only, what, a few weeks along? Fuck, I don’t even know. I will have to get ultrasounds, hear the heartbeat.
No, not now, not here at work.
“Charlie, you’re back! Do I have stuff to tell you…” Eric glances around the room, then grabs onto my arm, ushering me into my office. I place my purse down and sit in my chair.
This chair feels like home, the comfy plush leather gives me a sense of power, and I love it. Well, I used to love it. Now flashes of Lex sitting on this chair plague me. The way he takes over, the way he demands me. I close my eyes for a brief moment while memories torture me every second I continue to breathe.