“Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing at all.”
Noah retracts his hand, wincing in pain. His jealous streak is exhausting. Lowering my head, I feel an emotional wave of tears but hold back because I’m not that woman. I don’t cry over men, especially in front of them.
“You’re telling me that the two of you stood in silence and said nothing? That he didn’t remind you how great it is to fuck him? That what you have is amazing. He’s the love of your life. He can give you things I possibly can’t?”
The tear finally escapes gracefully down my cheek and onto my lips. I can’t hold it back. I could blame the exhaustion, the lack of sleep, but deep down inside, I know it’s because I’m standing beside a man who I can’t live without.
It hurts to breathe without him.
This much I finally know.
“You want to know what I said?” I search Noah’s eyes, begging for a sign that everything I feel means something, that it’s not something superficial. It’s not lust, and it’s more than just friendship. “I told him that I deserved more. I wanted more. I want to feel the love of a man whose heart only beats for me. I want a life, memories. I want it all. And the worst part of it is, all I could think about is you. The same person who makes me feel less than what I am when you fail to listen to me and tell me I can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be a mother.”
“What I said…” he utters, dropping his shoulders and ducking his chin, “… was uncalled for. I’m so angry at myself for fearing the worst, for losing control, and for taking it out on the one person who has always believed in me. I’ve allowed other people to control my own emotions before I even have a chance. And all it’s done is push you away. Fuck, Kate. I hate myself for doing this to you.”
I can’t look into his eyes, terrified that if I do, he’ll break me again. But this isn’t all about me. Slowly, I lift my head to stare at a man who has openly admitted his weakness, embraced his vulnerability to show me how much he doesn’t want to lose what we have. I realize now, despite his callous words bringing me down, the burden he carries is far greater. He was, and still is, fighting to be the best man he can be for his kids. His greatest fear of being an absent father has driven him to the depths of despair.
Expressing his pain and showing his courage to turn up here in Paris is far from comfortable. He’s taken a risk, even though we left things the way we did, and I love him even more for fighting for what he wants and never giving up.
Even if I have to finally admit he’s fighting for me.
“I know you feel something, Noah. I no longer deny that… I’m just…”
“What, Kate?” he urges, drawing closer to me. “If we’re going to do this, you and me, we need to be completely honest with each other.”
Noah is right. We can’t play these games anymore. There’s too much on the line. My heart is hanging by a thread, just one snap, and it’s completely broken.
“The way you make me feel,” I whisper, holding my breath. “I’m losing who I thought I wanted to be. It’s like when I’m with you, nothing else matters.”
Noah caresses my cheek, wiping away the one tear I allowed to escape. The touch is warm, a blanket keeping me safe and comforted. How can I tell him it’s all or nothing? How can I admit to my best friend that there’s only one road we can travel down, and I want to be beside him now and forever?
“I love who I am when I’m around you,” he expresses as his lips curve upward. “You bring out the best in me.”
I stare into his eyes, allowing myself to lose myself in him. As he leans forward, my pulse races, craving him so much. His lips graze against mine, soft and teasingly. He withdraws but stays a breath away, leaving the spot he kissed burning like the touch of a flame. It pulsates through me, spreading like wildfire as his stare deepens, and my heart belongs only to him.
“If we do this…”
“If we do this,” he repeats in a small breath.
“It’s all in,” I tell him, throwing my heart into the battlefield with everything to lose. “Too much is at stake, and too many people will be involved in our lives for us to fall apart without hurting those around us.”
He bows his head, and when he raises his eyes to meet mine again, a glaze shimmers around his pupils.
“We’ve both watched each other live our lives with other people. I watched you walk away, move to Paris, fall into the arms of another man who doesn’t deserve you.”
“And I’ve watched you fall in love with another woman, marry, and have her child. I may not have been around when it fell apart, or when you ran into somebody else’s arms, and to be honest, I’m glad I wasn’t around for that.”
“Our life will be complicated. Kids, ex-wives, ex-lovers, friends… are you sure you can handle my baggage?”
I run my hands through his hair like I’ve done a dozen times before, but this time it feels so different. Wrapping my hands around his neck, he rests his hands on my hips. “Noah Mason, you’re worth it.”
His lips brush against mine again, and softly, he kisses me, a kiss which melts away any doubt I have left in us. A kiss which seals our fate and makes us one.
“So,” I breathe, still holding onto him. “What now?”
“What? One kiss and you’re bored of me already?” he teases, kissing me again before pulling away.
I laugh, grazing his bottom lip with my finger. “One thing I can admit is that I’m never bored with you. I’m in Paris, and you’re in LA.”