Into the Darkness

I heard the click as I was taken off speakerphone. “Logan?”

“Yeah, I'm here.” His voice was sullen.

“So…me, engaged. Who would have thought?” I nervously laughed. The silence only prolonged what was bound to be said. If anyone understood my hesitation in this moment, it was Logan.

“Charlie, I can hear it in your voice. You're scared.”

“Not scared, Logan, just a little apprehensive. I didn't think this day would come,” I whispered.

“It's me. Your best friend since we were in our mother’s wombs. The guy you so willingly lost your virginity to at the age of sixteen. I know you Charlie, and this hesitation is because of him and I hate that.”

“Logan, I don’t want to get into this. The past needs to remain exactly that, in the past. Otherwise we would never move forward with our lives. Just don’t say his name…please,” I begged, hoping that somehow Logan understood that I was so done and needed this more than anything.

“Agreed, but when the past affects your future, then what? Julian is great, right? You said so yourself.”

“He IS great.” I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince more.

“So stop beating yourself up over it. He loves you, you love him. He treats you like you deserve to be treated and according to my wife he is sex on legs. Whatever the hell that means, but I can take a guess. Take the leap, Charlie. You'll see how great life can be, and as time moves on, so will your feelings. This is great.”

He was right. I needed to let go of any negative thoughts that ever crossed my mind. “You put up a good argument. You sure you don’t want to study law?” I laughed.

“Miss Manhattan, big shot lawyer. Look, I gotta go. I love you. Please think about what I said.”

“I will. Love you too.”

I hung up the phone, clutching it to my chest. Everything Logan said was right. I had this perfect man who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I’d be stupid to say no. I knew that, but I just couldn’t let it go, this feeling of guilt, like I was doing something wrong. I leaned over and reached for the ring, placing it back on my finger.

I tossed and turned that night. The dreams, the nightmares, please stop, I begged myself. Somewhere around three o’clock, the exhaustion outweighed my racing mind and just when I found the peace I had hoped for, it happened. Those emerald green eyes flashed before me and I crumbled. The memory became all too clear, taking me back to the moment it all began.

April 2005

I woke up in the darkness, my throat dry like the Vegas desert. Why did I let Adriana bring that second bag of Doritos in her room? Our sleepovers had become nights filled with never-ending junk food and gossiping about who was blowing who at school.

I climbed off the couch careful not to wake her. Oh, who was I kidding, a hurricane wouldn’t even wake her. She snored away as I tiptoed to the kitchen to grab a drink. It was dark and I didn’t want to wake anyone so I walked down the steps to the kitchen, shocked when I collided with another body.

“Holy shit!” a voice yelled.

The weight of his body forced me down. I was pinned with my back against the stairs, unable to speak and still not knowing who it was, the darkness masking his identity. He pulled himself up off me, accidently grazing my breast as he stood up. It was like a jolt of electricity that shot through me and I gasped as I felt it. I could have sworn he felt it too as I heard him whimper.

The light suddenly came on as he flicked the switch making me go all cross-eyed; it was Alex, Adriana’s older brother. He was twenty-three and lived in San Francisco with his wife, from what Adriana told me. I hadn’t seen him since he left Carmel after he graduated. He stood in front of me, wearing only flannel pajama pants that hung low below his waist, showing off his perfectly muscular body and the ‘V’, ohhhh the ‘V’. I didn’t know I was gazing at his body until he broke me from my trance.

“Charlotte?” he asked.

I looked at his face, his eyes drinking me in, the color emerald. I struggled to find the words, feeling utterly stupid for paying this much attention to him. He was Adriana’s older brother and I had spent most of my late childhood around him. After all, I was her best friend and practically lived in her room.

“I’m so sorry, Alex.” I started to panic, my voice becoming squeaky. As the adrenalin started to wear off, I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head. It must have been from when he fell on top of me on the stairs. Without thinking I rubbed my head, my face scrunching as I touched the lump that was starting to form.

“Are you okay? Come sit down.”

He pulled one of the chairs out as I walked over to the kitchen bench. Sitting myself down, I watched him grab a bag of peas from the freezer. He walked back over and stood in front of me, then held the peas up against the lump which was now throbbing like one of those thumbs in the cartoons. His chest in front of me gloriously exposed, the smell of his skin intoxicating. I closed my eyes for a brief moment, inhaling what smelled like aftershave and soap mixed with man sweat, but good man sweat, hot man sweat. Charlie, what the hell is wrong with you! I felt the warmth starting to spread all over my body, my nipples the first to respond, then down below followed. He pulled away and I quickly opened my eyes, scared that he could read my thoughts.

“Better?” he asked in a sweeter tone.

“Yes, thank you. I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you were here. Adriana didn’t mention that you had returned from college.” I spoke quickly, suddenly feeling self-conscious—and I had every reason to as I’d just caught him checking out my rack. His eyes looked like they were on fire. I looked down, my nipples prominent in my tank top. Oh fuck, I forgot to put my bra back on! I quickly folded my arms which broke his perving.

“I…um, came back this morning.” He laughed. “She probably didn’t tell you because she was too busy sucking face with that scrawny geek she’s seeing. I didn’t mean to startle you back there. I’m sleeping on the couch here tonight because our bed hasn’t arrived at our new place yet.”

“Are you back here for good?” I nervously asked. Why the hell was I so nervous?