“You just sang a song called ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks,’” I said. “I don’t know that you’re qualified to dispense advice to anyone.”

He waved a hand dismissively. “I’m a bard. I’m supposed to make up shit like that to keep people entertained. It’s sort of my job.”

“I wasn’t entertained. You should be fired.”

“Liar,” Zal said. “You’re going to be singing that song on your deathbed. I made it up in ten minutes. The last stanzas were ad-libbed. You were so impressed.”

Okay, I sort of was. But not that I had to tell him that.

“Cheesy dicks and candlesticks,” Gary whispered in my ear. I shoved his face away as he laughed.

“Still doesn’t explain why—”

“I don’t know much about the ways of wizards,” Zal said, looking down at his hands. “Or royalty or epic quests or magical beings and adventures to save princes from dragons. I know how to tell those stories, but I’ve never really lived them. I don’t know that I want to. There are those of us that run headlong and feetfirst into danger like it’s nothing. Then there’s those of us that stay behind and document what happens. Or, as I like to think of it, the sane ones.”

“Nothing difficult was ever won while staying sane,” I said.

He gave me a quiet smile. “Exactly.”

“Uh.”

“You know what I love?”

“I don’t. But you’re going to tell me, aren’t you?”

“Love,” he said.

“Gross.”

He ignored me. Dammit. He’d already found my weakness. “Love is an amazing thing. It can move armies. It can destroy people. It can cause even the mightiest of us to fall to our knees in supplication. It’s terrifying and wonderful, and if you let it, it can be the greatest thing in the world.”

I was almost in awe. I had to stop myself from sighing dreamily. “You sound like you speak from experience.”

He laughed. “Hardly. I fuck too many people to fall in love. Last night, I had an eleven-way with trapeze artists from a traveling circus. You wouldn’t believe how bendy they were. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that much jizz in the space of three hours in my life.”

We stared at him.

He rolled his eyes. “Just because I don’t fall in love doesn’t mean I don’t believe in it. I just happen to believe in it more for other people than myself.”

“You’re my new hero,” Gary said. “I want to be you when I grow up.”

“But, but,” I sputtered. “You said things about love meaning being on your knees for armies!”

Zal arched an eyebrow. “Oh boy. I don’t know if that’s quite what I said.”

“An eleven-way?” I said, sounding scandalized. “That’s so many arms.”

“I bet you couldn’t even tell where one body ended and another began,” Gary breathed on me.

“All those writhing bodies,” Zal agreed.

“Nothing!” I said, because that made sense. “I just want a two-way!”

“Sam’s a virgin,” Gary said. “The only thing he’s writhed with is his hand.”

“Gary!”

“Truth in advertising,” he retorted.

Tags: T.J. Klune Tales From Verania Fantasy
Source: readsnovelonline.net