“I care about you, okay? I do. You have no idea how much or for how long.”
“Stop it,” I said, sitting up and finally looking at him. “Just stop it.” I kept my voice from cracking as best I could. I pushed myself up from the ground. “You can’t say anything like that. You can’t.”
“Why?” he said, taking a step toward me.
“Ryan,” I said, and I was pleading. I was begging for him to shut up. To keep talking. To come closer. To go away.
“I wanted to talk to you,” he said, taking another step, and I willed myself to move away. To run as fast as I could, but nothing happened. I was paralyzed in front of him, and I couldn’t even find a fucking flare of magic because my godsdamn cornerstone was standing right in front of me, and I could do nothing that might end up hurting him. “For the longest time. I wanted to walk right up to you and say my name. That I was Ryan. That I was Nox. That I was here because of you, that I did this because I wanted to prove to you that I could. That I crawled out of the slums because of you.”
“You don’t owe me shit,” I said. “You fucked your way to get where you were. You said you were a whore. That you slept with people, men, for money to get out of the slums. You said you wanted to get out of there because of me. If you did, then I made you do that… that thing. That no child should ever have to do. I did that to you. Stop making me out to be some kind of hero when I’m anything but.”
“You can’t blame yourself for the choices I made,” he growled.
And so I swung the trap shut. “Then you can’t blame me for the choices I made too.”
He flinched, but didn’t move away. I could have reached out and touched him, if I’d wanted to. And I wanted to very much. But I couldn’t. “You should have told me,” he said. “The moment you knew, you should have told me.”
“You’re with the Prince. You’re getting married to Justin.”
“I have a right to know.”
I laughed bitterly. “No, you don’t. You didn’t even know what a cornerstone was before… this. This everything. It’s not something for you. It’s not something you need.”
“It’s about me,” he snapped. “You can’t tell me it’s not. You were leaving to go to Randall because you couldn’t control your magic. I fucking help you control your magic. How the hell can you say it’s not for me? That it’s not something I need?”
“It’s not a one-time thing,” I said. “It’s not just you. There could be others. There will be others. Because you can’t be what I need. You can’t be the one to anchor it down. There will be others and I will find them and they will help me and I will show them why I was made for them. I will show them how great I can be, because I will never be anyone’s second choice. I will never be second best to someone I love.”
“No one else,” he said hoarsely. “Sam. You can’t. You can’t.”
“Why? I have to. I don’t have a choice. If I don’t, I am no better than the Darks. Except I am stronger than all of them put together. Do you know what would happen? Do you know what I could do? Ryan. I could destroy everything.”
“No,” he said. “There has to be another way. There will be. We’ll find it. I’ll find it.”
“There is no other way!” I shouted at him.
“There’s always another way,” he snapped. “You can’t just fucking give up.”
“I have to,” I said. “I have to give up on you. Because there is nothing left for me with you.”
“Sam,” he said, and gods, I hated how he said my name. Like I was everything to him. Like I was important. Like I was all he could ever want. “You can’t believe that. You don’t. Just… please. We can—”
“Then let’s go,” I said, taking a step toward him. Challenging him. Already knowing his answer. “Let’s go right now. Leave this behind. Break your oath. Break it and come with me and we’ll be everything together. Break it.”
“Sam,” he choked out, reaching for me in an aborted attempt. “You—I can’t. My word is my honor. I am a Knight of Verania and that is al
l I am. It’s all I have. I promised my mother that I would be something. And I am. She was all that I had for the longest time and I did this for her. I am doing this for her. She wouldn’t want…I can’t just—”
“And what about me?” I roared at him. “Where the fuck do I fit in with your honor?”
His fingers twitched and then he was cupping my face and saying Sam and please and I want in a fractured voice that I just could not handle. He said, “You don’t have to do this, okay? I promise. I promise. Come back with us. With me. Just… come with me. I’m selfish. I am. I don’t care. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I want you to come back with me and just be there with me. You’ve—okay. I know. I know. It sucks. It’s awful. But I’ll make it work, okay? I can do this. We’ll figure something out. Yes, there’s Justin, okay? And I gave him my fealty. But we can be—”
“Can you even hear what you’re saying?” I asked him, trying to pull my face away. “Can you even hear what you’re asking me to do?”
His grip tightened on my face, not hurting, but not soft, either. “I don’t know what else to do,” he said, sounding more miserable than I’d ever heard him before.
“Why?” I asked again, my eyes never leaving his. It felt quiet, this moment. And huge. My skin was too tight, and I was breaking apart underneath it. I ached and even before he spoke, I knew his words would shatter everything but there was nothing I could do to stop him. “Why are you even pushing this? Why do you care? What the fuck do you want from me?”
And he said, “Can’t you see? Sam. Sam. Gods. It’s—there. It’s here.” He grabbed my hand and held it over his chest. I could feel the rapid beat of his heart underneath my fingers. “It’s here. Ever since I first saw you, you’ve been with me. I couldn’t have forced you away if I tried. I’m sorry I made an oath. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. And I’m sorry that I can’t break it. But you have to believe me that it’s always been you. I promise. I promise.” His voice cracked and my hands shook. “I promise, because when I look upon these stars, there is nothing I wish for more than you.”