Then Tiggy started crying and hugging me, begging me not to have orgies and do drugs. “No, Sam,” he said, wiping his face on mine. “No mushrooms and gang bangs.”
People on the Old Road gave us a wide berth as they passed us by, no matter how much I pleaded with them to rescue me.
The twenty-third morning.
I WAS a good distance into the Dark Woods, trying to find a spot to take a leak where I wouldn’t be able to hear Gary and Kevin talking about how they were planning on adopting at least four Pomeranians. I thought I’d found the perfect tree and was giving good consideration to potentially rubbing one out after I pissed, when it happened.
“Aha,” the Dark wizard shouted as he jumped out from behind the tree. “I bet you weren’t expecting to see me.”
“Um,” I said. “I don’t know who you are.” There went that erection. Gods. Was it too much to ask for a little Sam time?
The Dark looked slightly offended. “Seriously?”
“Sorry,” I said. “You all look the same to me.”
“Rude,” he said. “That’s racist.”
“Um. No, it’s not. You and are I are the same race. If you were to ride a unicorn, that’s racism.”
“How is that racist?” he asked.
“Because it’s mean,” I explained.
“But that’s not even the basis for—” He cut himself off and took a deep breath. “You know what? No. I’ve heard about you. You start talking and everyone gets confused and people start wanting to have sex with you and get turned into deck chairs.”
I sighed. “It was supposed to be lawn chairs. And I think the stories about me are greatly exaggerated.”
“So did you or did you not take down four of my brothers in the City of Lockes?”
“Oh. Well. That part was true.”
“And did you or did you not send a pack of fire geckos after two more of my brothers?”
“Yeah. That was me.”
“And did you or did you not kill Lartin the Dark Leaf?”
“No,” I said. “I didn’t.”
“What?” he said.
“I didn’t kill him.”
“You did,” he insisted.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Then who did?”
“My half-giant best friend.”
“Oh,” he said. “Well, same difference.”
“Sort of, I guess.”
“My name is—”
“Don’t care,” I said.