“Idiot,” Randall muttered, sounding strangely fond.
WHILE MORGAN and I were conducting our blood-on-shrooms experiment, Ryan just happened to need access to the labs to “continue the research” he’d done before he’d left the castle on the quest to rescue Justin. When Morgan asked Ryan to remind him just what that research had been seeing as how the wizard had never seen Ryan in the labs researching anything, Ryan mumbled something about poking babies and some such and then accidently set his trousers on fire when he leaned against a burner. It was very awkward (read: stimulating) because he was forced to take off said trousers to avoid burns and apparently had forgotten that day to wear undergarments, his top just long enough to preserve his modesty. Morgan sighed a little. I died a little. Ryan fled.
“Shall we continue?” Morgan asked, rubbing his hands over his eyes.
“Oh my gods,” I said because I couldn’t quite compose my thoughts as I was pretty sure I’d just seen a hint of Ryan Foxheart’s balls.
“Sam?”
“Oh my gods.”
“And I’m pretty sure the experiment is over for the day.”
“Oh my gods.”
WHEN GARY and I plotted our plans to follow the rumors of unicorn horns, Ryan happened to be sitting at the table next to ours in the so-called War Room, obviously doing his best to feign ignorance as we pored over the maps. It wasn’t working. The book he was holding in his hands was upside-down. It’s like he wasn’t even trying to be subtle anymore.
“And just think,” Gary said, far more loudly than what was actually necessary, “after we get done with these ridiculous obligations your station requires you to be present for—because let’s be honest, that’s the only reason we’re still here—we’ll leave this place far behind and you, my young kitten, will find yourself a man of the desert. Dark skin and dark hair. Big dick and awesome nipples. His name will be Matta and he will take you into his desert dwelling before he goes into your desert dwelling.”
Ryan’s hands tightened on his book.
“That was… unsurprisingly descriptive,” I said.
“Shhh,” the War Room librarian said. She had to be almost as old as Randall.
“Sorry, Griselda,” Gary said, sticky sweet.
“Matta, huh?” I said. “Can his first name be Wassa?”
Gary stared at me blankly.
“Because then his full name would be Wassa Matta.”
Ryan snorted loudly and covered it up with a very fake cough.
Gary knocked me off the chair. “You are not allowed to make jokes anymore.”
“Shhh,” Griselda insisted.
“Sorry, Griselda,” Gary said. And then, “Hey, Sam?”
“What?” I said as I picked myself up off the floor.
“Do you know what I find fascinating?”
“What?”
“How knights apparently can read books upside down.”
“Oh, mothercracker,” Ryan said and then he fled the room.
“I taught him that curse,” I said sadly.
“Shhh!” Griselda shouted at us.
“Oh calm the fuck down, Griselda,” Gary snapped. “We’re the only ones here, you ancient she-beast. You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
Griselda kicked us out of the War Room. I didn’t blame her.