“I love frilly hats,” Tiggy said. “And chickens.”
“What the devil is going on back here?” Kevin asked as he looked back over his shoulder, craning his neck. “Did we stop for a sexy-time break?”
“Sam and Ryan are getting married,” Gary cried.
Kevin’s eyes widened. “My boy?” he whispered. “My boy is getting married?”
“Why did I want to come on this trip?” Justin asked no one in particular. “I could be back at the castle doing anything that is not being with these people.”
There was a thunderous crash as Kevin turned himself around, his tail and wings knocking down even more trees. “My son,” he said, looking down at me. “I am so happy for you. Why, I remember when you were a little boy—”
“No, you don’t,” I retorted. “I didn’t even know you when I was a little boy.”
“—and I promised myself that when you found your one true love, that I wasn’t going to cry when you asked me to walk you down the aisle. Guess what? I’m about to break that promise.”
“I’m feeling really sweaty,” Ryan said, looking vaguely ill.
“You are not walking me down the aisle,” I said, glaring up at Kevin. “You’re not even my real dad!”
“Oh, Gary,” Kevin sniffed, great globular tears sliding down his scaly cheeks. “Our son is getting married.”
Gary was sobbing as he trotted toward his… husband? Ex-husband? Gross sex buddy? I couldn’t keep track. He wailed as he leaned his head against Kevin’s foot. “I’m n-n-not ready!”
“We crying now?” Tiggy asked, lower lip trembling.
“No!” I shouted. “No crying! We’re not crying!”
“Yes, Tiggy!” Gary cried. “Sam is getting married.”
“He is?” Tiggy asked as he started to cry. “He is?”
“You better take care of him,” Kevin snarled at Ryan through his tears. “You know that Sam is my sexy son. I won’t marry him off to just anyone who asks.”
Ryan’s eyes were bulging out of his head. “I think I’m feeling feverish.”
“If anyone cares, I’m going to keep on going so I don’t have to listen to this anymore,” Justin said. “Because I really hate all of you right now.”
“How much will we get for Sam’s dowry?” Kevin asked Gary. “I’ve never had to sell off one of my children before.”
“I don’t know,” Gary said through his tears. “He’s a little defective, so we should probably be up-front that all sales are final.”
“You can’t sell me!” I bellowed at them. “And I’m not defective.”
“I was just trying to walk through the forest,” Ryan said. “That’s it.”
“Can Tiggy be in wedding?” Tiggy asked, wiping his nose.
“Of co
urse you can,” I said. Then, “Wait. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Tiggy can’t be in wedding?” Tiggy asked, staring at me with wide, wet eyes.
“Gaaah. Your face. I just meant I wasn’t getting married! But now I have to because of that face. Ryan, we’re getting hitched! Just look at Tiggy. Just look at him.”
“Did you just ask me to marry you?” Ryan squeaked.
“Hey, guys?” Justin called.