And his tiny penis.
“Hi, Dimitri,” I sighed.
WHEN ONE has an audience with the king of the Dark Woods fairies, one should expect to feel extraordinarily uncomfortable. Not only was Dimitri a lecherous little fellow on par with anything Kevin could dish out, he did so while naked and usually after having trapped me somehow or tying me up.
Not as sexy as it sounds, trust me.
I might have accidentally agreed to marry him at one point, only to have escaped when Gary kicked a bunch of fairies in the face, and then I left him at the altar while we ran away. I didn’t think he’d actually ever gotten over that.
I felt bad.
Sort of.
However, it was something that I needed to put up with, given that Dimitri knew more about the Dark Woods than I ever would. True, he could be an enigmatic asshole about it, but he was a necessary ally. A treaty was in place between him and the Crown, negotiated by Justin, that said the fairies would offer assistance in matters of life and death. And given that finding the Great White seemed to qualify, here we were. Dimitri was the only person who would know how to find him.
But first.
“Sam,” Dimitri said, hovering near my face. He’d waited until we picked ourselves up off the ground before speaking again.
“Dimitri,” I said as politely as possible. “How… adequate it is to see you again.”
“The pleasure is all mine,” he whispered, leaning forward to stroke my cheek with his tiny hand.
“Gross,” I muttered. “I mean, uh. Yes. The pleasure.”
“I like him,” Kevin whispered behind us. “He seems like a good guy.”
“Oh boy,” Gary said. “We’re going to need to have a talk about a few things later.”
“Like sexy things?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“What brings you to my neck of the woods yet again?” Dimitri asked, wings fluttering furiously. “Can’t stay away, can you? One would think you were stalking me, Sam of Wilds.”
And that gave me an idea. A very, very unclean idea.
Ryan’s hand was on the hilt of his sword when I grabbed it to keep him from drawing. Dimitri’s shrewd eyes tracked the movement.
“What can I say?” I said lightly. “I have an appreciation for… the little things.”
“Really,” Dimitri said, eyeing me up and down. “How fortunate for me.”
“It really is,” I said, trying to stand seductively, hip cocked, thinking about how I could incorporate my nipples into the conversation.
“Will you excuse us for a moment?” Ryan snapped before dragging me back toward the others. I winked at Dimitri over my shoulder and licked my lips in what I hoped was showing that I wouldn’t mind going down on that tiny wiener.
“What are you doing?” Ryan hissed in my ear as soon as we were huddled together, Kevin’s head hanging above us.
“Flirting,” I hissed back. “It’s the only way he’ll tell us what we want.”
“But you’re terrible at flirting.”
“Excuse you! I’m amazing at it!”
“You’re really not,” Kevin said. “In fact, you might be the worst I’ve ever seen.”