“Indeed,” he said, sounding pleased. “I even got the underside, see?”
I struggled not to choke as he lifted his dick. “Oh yes! Quite thorough. You know what they say: a thorough man… can be… thorough. In. Other things.”
“Oh my gods,” Gary moaned from behind me. “This is painful.”
“I’ve never heard that saying before,” Dimitri said, flying up near my face. “But it rings true. I am very thorough. In all things.”
“I want to be you when I grow up,” Kevin breathed.
“Quite,” I said, taking a step forward. I reached out and rubbed my finger on the top of his head. His eyes rolled back and his wings flapped harder. I had to think of another compliment. At least one more. Everyone knew that when you were attempting to seduce the fairy king to get on his good side, you had to pay him three compliments. So I said the first thing that came to mind. “I’ve always wanted to go for a mustache ride.”
“That’s nasty,” Tiggy declared. “That’s nasty, Sam.”
“We’re going to end up going to war with the fairies,” Justin said dully. “I can see it now. We are going to go to war with the fairies, and my father is going to murder me.”
“Sam!” Ryan barked. “I have a beard now! That’s better than a mustache.”
“Shh,” I said to Dimitri as his eyes darted over my shoulder. “Don’t look at them. Hey. Hey, little guy. It’s just you and me here. Just the two of us. Look into my eyes. There you go. Hey. Hey there, pretty eyes. You look… just swell.”
“What’s this about you being engaged?” he asked, crossing his tiny arms over his tiny chest.
“What?”
“The dragon said you were just engaged and that you were planning on having an orgy.”
“Hells to the yeah!” Kevin called.
“Oh, that,” I said hastily. “Just ignore him. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You know how dragons are.” Aha! An in! “Right? Dimitri? Right? You know how dragons are? Say, maybe a large dragon that no one has seen for a long time that I really don’t care about but I’m going to ask you anyway?”
He narrowed his eyes.
“Oops!” I said, stripping my shirt off over my head before I threw it back over my shoulder. Water sprinkled down from the tree canopy above onto my bare shoulders. “How did that happen? My nipples are just out here and everything. And now I’m getting all wet.”
All the fairies gasped as one. Even Dimitri looked horrified.
“Wow,” I said. “That was not a reaction I expected. Rude.”
“What is this?” Dimitri whispered as the fairies began to murmur urgently behind him. “What have you done?”
I frowned. “What do you mean? I’m seducing you so you tell me where the Great White is and—oh. Shit. I totally didn’t mean to say that. Crap. Uh. Ignore what I just said. Heyyyy, you. You have to be at least as tall as you are to ride this ride. Mmm.”
“That’s enough,” Ryan said, coming to stand next to me as he glared at Dimitri. He shoved my tunic at my chest as if trying to preserve my modesty. “You don’t get to ride this ride. In fact, this ride is closed to the general public for repairs. And I’m the repairman. Therefore, I’m the only one that gets to… wait. Hold on. I swear this made more sense in my head. Okay. Maybe not. Taste steel instead, you fiends!” He pulled his sword from the scabbard at his side and posed in front of me.
“Dude,” I said in awe. “I love you so hard right now, you don’t even know. You douchebag.”
“Gross,” Justin muttered. “It doesn’t matter where we are. We could be standing on top of dead bodies or in the middle of the woods surrounded by naked men, and they still manage to find time to flirt.”
“Put down the sword,” Dimitri barked. “Don’t you see what he’s done? He’s been marked.”
Well shit. Justin was wrong. I should have planned more. This was all his fault. “Uh, no, I wasn’t,” I said, struggling to pull my tunic back on. It was wet and tangled, however, and wasn’t quite cooperating.
“Wizards,” Dimitri spat. “It always comes back to wizards. You do not see the creatures of the forest engaging in warfare. That’s because they understand and respect their magic. From the smallest of beings to the biggest, the magic is one with the earth.” He shook his head angrily. “And then you have men. Men, who seek nothing but more power. It’s never enough. There’s always a need for more.”
“That’s not true,” I snapped. “Not all of us are like that. We’re not Darks.”
“Really?” he said, fluttering toward me, ignoring the way Ryan snarled at him. “Why are you here? The truth, Sam.”
“I’m here for the Great White.”