He nodded. “I do.”
“You still think this is the right thing?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because there are things you’re hiding from us, Sam.”
I felt my face shutter at that. “Really. Funny, that coming from you.”
He put his hands on my shoulders. “You have your reasons. I trust that. But I need you to trust us. To trust him. Nothing good can be gained from keeping secrets from each other. Not now.”
I snorted. “You say that because your hand has been shown and you have nothing left.” I winced, feeling the fight drain out of me. “Shit. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know you didn’t,” he said, but I could see the tightness around his eyes. “But that was fair. I wish….” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter what I wish. Hindsight is there to remind us everything we should have done differently.”
“Sucks.”
The corners of his mouth pulled up slightly. “A little. Randall wants to help you, Sam. He could teach you things, things that even I cannot.”
That made me nervous. “You aren’t trying to pass me off on him, are you?” I said, laughing to try and cover up the feeling of wrongwrongwrong that was worming its way through me.
But of course Morgan of Shadows saw right through that. He always did. He squeezed my shoulders, jostling me softly. “Never,” he said. “You will always be mine. No one, not Randall, not Myrin, no one can take you away from me.”
I hugged him then. I couldn’t not. We weren’t on even footing. In all honesty, it would probably be a while before we were again. But I loved him dearly. Morgan was the first person outside of my parents to believe in me, even if it hadn’t exactly started the way I thought it had.
He made a little noise of surprise, as if he hadn’t expected it.
“You’re still my berry sunshine,” I said, reaching up to pet his face blindly. “Because you smell like berries and sunshine.”
“I don’t know why I put up with you,” he said but only held me closer.
GARY CRIED a little more. So did Tiggy.
Kevin told me that he would miss my sweet, sweet ass, but even his eyes were suspiciously shiny.
Justin rolled his eyes but allowed me to show him what our best friend 5eva handshake would look like, and I threatened to withhold said best friend 5eva friendship if he didn’t learn it completely by the next time I saw him. He didn’t look like he felt very threatened.
Ryan hugged me for a long time. I breathed him in, frantically trying to memorize everything I could about him.
“I’ll be right behind you,” he whispered. “You’ll see. I’ll follow you anywhere.”
We ignored the way I trembled at that.
There was a sharp crack behind us that signaled Randall’s return. I allowed myself another moment to hold on to Ryan before I let go and took a step back.
“It’ll be okay,” I said, overbright and loud. “You guys are acting like we’ll never see each other again.” I picked up my pack from the ground, noticing the way my hands shook. I hefted it up and over my shoulder. I was already wearing a heavy coat lined with fur, courtesy of Mama, who told me in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to die in it, and that if I was about to die, I should take it off so it wouldn’t be damaged. “It’s only a few weeks. And hey, I’m getting out the easy way. I don’t have to trudge through the snow to the castle.”
I smiled weakly and was about to turn away from them, not wanting them to see the tears that were threatening to spill. It was only a few weeks, for fuck’s sake. In the grand scheme of things, it was nothing. I didn’t need to be acting like this. I didn’t agree with Randall and Morgan, but I understood their reasons. Maybe it would be good, getting this all out in the open.
But before I could look away, Kevin said, “Sam.”
Godsdammit. I looked up at him, knowing my eyes were wet. There was nothing I could do about that now. But at least I knew I could count on Kevin to say something graphic to defuse the situation.
So when he said, “Don’t go after them on your own,” I was shocked.
“Who?”