I smile thinly. “Well, then, I should be the one apologizing. I never meant for you to hear that. I didn’t mean… for a lot of things”
“Bear?” he says. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Sure, Kid,” I say, leaning down to put my forehead against his. He smells like Colgate and shampoo, and I want to squeeze my eyes shut and just stay in this moment, but the Kid needs to tell me a secret, and he expects me to look at him when he speaks.
“I don’t want Otter to go away again. Is that selfish?” he whispers.
“No, it’s not. It means you love him very much, and that will never be selfish. Can I tell you a secret?” He nods and looks up into my eyes.
“What’s yours, Bear?”
“I don’t want Otter to go away again, either.”
He throws his arms around me and pulls me down to him. “I know. I know. And I’ll keep your secret if you keep mine,” he whispers in my ear. I nod into his shoulder, fighting to keep my emotions in check. I stay wrapped in his little arms until he releases me a few moments later. “I love you, Papa Bear,” he says, kissing my cheek.
“I love you too, Kid.”
I get up and turn out the light, closing the door partway behind me, leaving it open just a crack, like I always do. I lean against the wall for just a moment, my breath hitching in my chest. I feel lightheaded and want nothing more than to turn back around and crawl into bed with him and go to sleep. But Anna’s still in the living room, waiting for me to come back out. I can’t keep her waiting any longer.
She’s sitting where I left her. I can see the tears have dried from her eyes, but her resolve is still firm. There’s no way this is going to just be dropped like some small part of me hopes. As soon as I walk into the living room, she jerks her head to the side, motioning to the small balcony that is attached to our apartment. I follow her, knowing she doesn’t want the Kid to hear what is said. But if she starts yelling, I’ll start yelling, and it’s not going to matter because the whole goddamned neighborhood will hear us. I shove my hands in my pocket and follow her out, and she shuts the door behind me and picks a spot that is as far away from me as she could possibly be and still technically be considered in our apartment.
“Well?” she asks, her voice low and dangerous.
“Well, what?” I say, stalling. I meet her eyes nervously and shrug.
“You lied to me, Bear.”
“I’m sorry.” And I am. More sorry than she’ll ever know.
“Why did you?”
“Anna….”
“No!” she hisses, her eyes flashing. “What happened to you that night? Why did Otter leave? What did you do to him?”
I laugh harshly. “What I did to him? Why does it have to be me doing something to him, for Christ’s sake?”
“Fine, then!” she almost shouts. “What did you both do?”
“You were there when I told Ty,” I say angrily. “What more do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell the truth!” she moans, starting to cry.
I ignore the tears. “That is the truth! I didn’t want him to stay here out of some fucking loyalty to me! He would have gotten bitter and left regardless! If he was going to leave—and I know he would have eventually—it was better for Ty that it happened then. And you want a further truth?” I snap at her. “You want to know more, Anna? I couldn’t have lived with myself knowing that he martyred himself like that. I could never have him hate me! It was easier for me to hate him! So yes! Yes, I chased him away! Are you happy now? Are you fucking satisfied!”
“Why couldn’t you just tell me this?” she cries.
“Can’t you hear how pathetic I sound?” I storm at her. “Why the hell would I have ever admitted to what I had done to you when I couldn’t even admit it to myself? It was better to blame him for leaving, rather than have him blame me for staying. I was damned either way!”
She wraps her arms around herself and shakes. “Bear, Otter would have stayed not because you wanted him to, but because he wanted too. Don’t you see that? He would have done it because he loves you and Ty. And that would have been enough for him.”
“That’s why he had to leave,” I say as my voice breaks. “Otter should never have just enough. He should have….” But
I can’t finish.
“He should have what, Bear?” she says sadly.
“Never mind,” I say. “Forget it.”