“I’m not talking about that! I don’t care who the hell knows!” Otter sounds upset, and my breath catches in my chest, not wanting him to say anything further. But he does anyways. “It’s not about that! Jesus, Creed! If you only knew….” Shut up, Otter! Shut up! “Besides, if I wanted him to know about anything, I would have said something myself. Stay out of it!”
But Creed pushes on: “So that’s really why you’re back, isn’t it? It didn’t work out between you and what’s-his-name?”
“Creed, I swear to Christ, just drop it! I don’t want to talk about this right now!” I hear someone slam their beer bottle onto the countertop, and I assume it’s Otter.
“Chill, big bro. Like I said, Bear doesn’t give a damn one way or the other.”
Oh, Creed.
Silence falls in the kitchen, and I realize I’m still holding my breath. I let it out slowly, hating the way it sounds ragged. But that was closer than I ever wanted to hear it said out loud. It’s not about that… if you only knew! His words ring in my ears, and I feel lightheaded. Okay. There might be something else that I should tell you—
“What are you doing, Bear?” the Kid says loudly from somewhere behind me. I jerk a little bit to the right, hitting my head against the wall. It hits a picture, and a second later I hear it shatter on the floor. Goddammit, Kid! I think angrily, knowing I am more upset with myself than with him. I look over at Ty, standing in the hallway, hands in his pockets, a big O expression on his lips. I mutter something incoherently and bend down to pick up the glass before he steps on it. Creed comes out of the kitchen, and I can feel his smirk on my hot skin.
“I’m sorry,” I say through gritted teeth.
“What the fuck?” he says lightly. “No need to be all ghetto in my nice house.”
I bark out a harsh laugh. I look down at the picture and see it’s another one that Otter had taken. It shows Creed and his mom at our high school graduation. I am off to the side somewhere, out of sight, holding Ty’s hand and the sign he and Mrs. Thompson had made for me, saying “Yay Bear!” The picture captures Creed at a perfect moment of wild youth, diploma in one hand, his other around his mom. There’s a smile on his face so big you can almost count all of his perfect white teeth. Well, you could have before it had fallen on the ground, tearing right across his face. Shit! I think, feeling my face get redder. Before I can say anything further, Otter is hunkered down beside me, picking up shards of glass.
“Otter, I suck. I’m sorry,” I whisper, wondering why I feel so goddamn bad.
I feel him shrug as his arm is touching mine. “It’s just a picture,” he says. “And it’s not even very good. Anyone with a camera can take photos and say they’re a photographer.” He sighs, and I can feel the bitterness coming off him in waves, and I wonder if he is just saying those things for my benefit. I wonder if he is really as pissed off at me as I am at him. I wonder why he’s really here.
I wonder a lot of things.
“Bear, just leave it,” Creed says, towering over me. “Me and the Kid can pick it up. His show is on, and Otter owes him ice cream.”
“Soy ice cream,” Ty says, making sure we haven’t forgotten.
“That’s right!” Creed says, stepping around me and picking up Ty to throw him over his shoulder. Ty laug
hs in the way that only kids can as Creed carries him back to the living room.
Otter puts the glass on top of the picture, causing Creed and his mom to look all distorted and broken. He holds out his hand to help me up. I look at it for a moment.
“You ready?” he asks.
What a loaded question.
WE’RE in his car, after stopping at three gas stations, none of which carry soy ice cream. Big surprise, right? Otter suggests we go to the grocery store where I work, which is almost on the other side of town. It seems kind of weird because there’s another store on the way that would probably have the gross stuff my brother eats, but I don’t say anything. It’s nice to get away for a little bit.
I know how that sounds, okay? I know that I’m in a kind of fucked-up situation with Ty and all, and I’m doing my best but sometimes I just want to get away. I feel guilty about it, kind of like how I am feeling now, but every now and then, the sheer joy of it outweighs the guilt. I wonder, not for the first time, if this is how my mom felt. Is this what she was thinking when she decided to sit down and write those letters? That undeniable sense of freedom that seems to loom up out of nowhere? I can see how easy it would be to fall to it, to just get in the car and drive and drive and drive until everything around you is unfamiliar and nobody knows who you are and what you’ve just done. To start over and become anyone you want to be. Who’s going to know the difference?
But then, reality sets in.
I’m nothing like her. I’ve learned how to squash those thoughts quicker than they can take root. If I were to fall prey to it, like she did, then how am I any better than her? After she left, it took me a long time to be where I am at right now. I have a responsibility and not just to myself. What the hell would happen to Ty if he woke up one day and found me gone? I sometimes lay awake at night, these things floating around my head. I see him running from room to room, calling out my name, “Bear, Bear, Bear!” I see him picking up his cell phone with his little hands and calling me, only to find my number has been disconnected. What would he do then? I know for a fact he would never trust anybody ever again. He has a hard enough time doing it now. That’s about the time I always realize I could never do that, not to him, not to anyone. I am not my mom. I am not my mom. I have to be a good father—
Shit.
Brother.
I meant brother.
Fuck. Not again.
I stare out the window. It’s still raining.
“YOU cool?” Otter asks me as he shuts his door. I feel my clothes getting wet again, clinging against my skin. My nipples get hard and I blush. I fold my arms over my chest and nod to Otter and start walking inside. I hear him rush to catch up with me, and then he falls into step beside me.