No one disagreed with him.
“And three,” Paul said to his father with a laugh, “you’re straight.”
“What?” Larry said.
“You can’t be his daddy because you’re straight,” Paul said.
“Oh,” Larry said. “Well. I suppose.”
“You suppose?” Paul wasn’t laughing.
“I wouldn’t know,” Larry said. “I’ve never tested it out.”
“Tested it out?” Paul looked rather green.
“Not everything is black and white, dear,” Matty said. “Just because your father can talk about Tom Hardy’s lips doesn’t mean he’s going to leave me for a man. He knows I would hunt him down if he ever tried to divorce me.”
“She is terrifying and I adore her.” Larry smiled lovingly at his wife.
“Tom Hardy’s lips?” Paul squeaked.
“They’re very… masculine,” Larry said. “Did you know he used to have a nudity-filled Myspace account? My word, those pictures.”
“You have fine taste in men,” Corey said.
“Thank you, Corey,” Larry said, beaming. “If you were twenty years older and I wasn’t married, I’d probably hit that. But since that’s not the case, let’s just be friends.”
“Oh my god,” Paul moaned, banging his head on the table.
“Oh dear,” Matty said. “We got distracted yet again. Charlie, I apologize. What was it the mayor seems to be doing? Did he club baby seals and then wear their coats while fracking the earth?”
“It seems he’s pushing a big holiday fundraiser to benefit some local charities,” Charlie said.
“Doesn’t he do that every year?” Nana asked. “I always thought he did it because he was trying to atone for all the evil he’d accomplished the year before.”
“Right,” Charlie said. “Usually it’s a public event, but this year, it’s apparently only for the wealthy. A thousand dollars a plate.”
I sprayed wine all over the table.
“Sorry!” I choked. “Sorry. Went down the wrong tube, oh my god, a thousand dollars a what?”
Matty was frowning at me. “I think you just spit all over the green bean casserole that no one ever eats.”
“That’s because no one likes green bean casserole,” Nana said.
“Then why do I make it?”
Nana shrugged. “Beats the heck out of me.”
“This is slightly shocking,” Matty said, raising a hand to her breast. “I feel like part of my life has been a lie.”
“How can he charge a thousand dollars a plate?” I demanded. “Isn’t that, like… unethical? Or something? It seems unethical. And maybe illegal.”
“For charity?” Charlie asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Why do we care again?” Corey asked Paul.
“I haven’t figured that out yet,” Paul said. “But, to be honest, I’m still stuck on the fact that my mother never noticed that no one ate her green bean casserole. Her powers of observation really explain a lot about me as a person.”