And Larry Auster.
And Wheels, a disabled dog who instead of having back legs, had a little cart attached to his butt with wheels on either side.
Because fuck my life.
“Hello,” Matty said to my one-night stand. “I don’t think we’ve met before.” She smiled at me over his shoulder and then looked back at him.
“I don’t think Sandy has either,” Paul muttered.
“This your boyfriend, son?” Larry asked me.
“Oh god no,” the frat boy said. “I don’t do relationships. I like having sex with different people too much to settle down with one person.” He frowned and looked back at me. “No offense. You’re like, super cool and way pretty when you’re a drag queen. And when you’re not. I just don’t want to be monogamous.”
“No offense taken,” I said even though I was totally offended. And flattered. It was an odd combination. So I said, “Thank you. I think.”
“I didn’t catch your name,” Nana said. “But I did see your—”
“And that’s enough of that,” Paul said.
“Penis,” Nana whispered.
“I’m Brian,” the frat boy said. “Is that bacon? God, I could really go for some bacon. Hey, Vince.”
“Hi, Bri,” Vince said and then went back to pouring his orange juice like that hadn’t happened at all.
Paul and I stared at him.
“What?” Vince asked with a frown.
“You know Sandy’s boner friend?” Paul asked.
“Can you never say ‘boner friend’ again?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” Vince said. “He’s friends with—”
The doorbell rang.
“Who the hell—” I started. Then, “Oh god no.”
“I’ll get it,” Nana yelled, moving toward the door. Wheels chased after her, barking as the doorbell rang again.
/>
“I’m friends with Darren,” Brian said.
“You’re what?” I squeaked. “Oh fuck my face. You’re a homo jock!”
“Newly inducted,” he agreed.
“So they’re just sex friends?” Larry asked.
“It would seem so,” Matty said. “Should we get a sex friend?”
Larry shook his head. “I would get too jealous over something like that. Maybe we could borrow Vince’s riding crop.”
“Giddyup, Mr. Auster,” she giggled.
“Oh my god,” Paul groaned. “I am not a freaking pony!”