“It’s the new normal,” I said. “Gay marriage has been legal for less than a year. For all we know, this same thing is happening at every gay wedding.”
“Pretty sure others aren’t making their wedding a competition,” Kori said. “But it wouldn’t be us if something funky wasn’t happening.”
The waitress came by, and I tried to get away with ordering a half a house salad and a skinny margarita, but Charlie and Kori glared at me until I gave in and got a bacon cheeseburger and a Bloody Mary like I wanted. They didn’t have to glare very hard. I felt like a failure. But then the waitress brought mozzarella sticks as an appetizer and I didn’t feel like such a failure because I would rather have melted cheese in my mouth than a smaller waist any day of the week.
“Is there going to be a rehearsal?” Charlie asked, nursing his beer.
“Eh,” I said. “It was just one more thing I didn’t think we needed. How hard can getting married be that we need to rehearse? Mom is going to walk Vince down the aisle and Dad is going to walk with me, though they don’t know it yet, so keep your mouths shut. Biff, Chet, Xerxes, Brian, and Darren will be up on Vince’s side. You, Kori, Sandy, Nana, and Wheels will be up on my side. The official will speak for like two seconds, I’ll unleash the most devastating vows anyone has ever heard and everyone will vomit-cry, Vince will say something that won’t compare, he’ll give me a ring, I’ll give him a ring, and then we kiss and we’re married. And then we can go get drunk and dance with our friends and family. The only thing stupid I agreed to do was to go to that damn dance class next weekend with Vince to learn to waltz. I don’t know why I agreed to it, but he had a Groupon, and you know how that’s my weakness.”
“Very specific weakness,” Charlie said. “Vince with a Groupon.”
I shrugged. “Medical science probably couldn’t even explain it.”
“I feel bad for the people standing with Vince,” Kori mused. “They’re all so… the same. Your side is much more festive.”
“Don’t remind me,” I muttered, attacking another mozzarella stick like it had murdered my family. “You should have seen the fit Nana threw when she found out she wasn’t in the wedding party. No one knows where she got that machete. I changed my mind rather quickly after that.”
“Probably Walmart,” Charlie said. “They sell machetes at Walmart.”
“She hasn’t been allowed in a Walmart since 2004,” I reminded him.
“Right,” Charlie said. “The 2004 Walmart incident.”
Kori made the sign of a cross as we held a moment of silence.
Those poor, poor people.
“Is your twinkie friend gonna make it from New Hampshire?” I asked Kori after a respectable amount of time had passed. “Tyson?”
Kori shook his head. “Nah. The spring term starts for him that next Monday, and he’s going home to Seafare before that. He’s convinced his brother and his brother’s husband are keeping something from him, and he’s made it his mission to find out what. Plus, you know. His boyfriend and all that.”
“Are they keeping something from him? And what were their names again? Wasn’t it something ridiculous like Panda and Duck-Billed Platypus?”
Kori laughed. “Bear and Otter. And yeah, they’ve been weird lately. They’re up to something, I just don’t know what. It’s not bad, at least I don’t think. Ty’s doing better, so it’s not anything having to do with him.”
“You don’t want to go see him? Your spring break is coming up too.”
Kori put her hand on top of mine. “There will be plenty of time for that. He’s moving back to Seafare this summer, though he hasn’t told anyone else yet. I think he’s proved to himself what he’s set out to do. This month is about you and Vince. I’m here to help.” She sat back in her chair and spread her napkin on her lap. “Besides, like hell am I going to miss your bachelor party.”
“You know something, don’t you,” I accused her. “You know what he’s planning.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kori said, batting her eyes at me. “Charlie knows too.”
“Oh boy,” Charlie said. “I have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about.”
“Daddy.”
He sighed. “It’ll be fun.”
“Are there going to be hats with penises on them? Because if someone makes me wear a hat with penises on them, I will not have fun.”
“Everyone else will,” Charlie said.
The food was brought out and I said good-bye to any hopes I’d had of looking like Vin Diesel by the time my wedding day came. It hadn’t necessarily been a reasonable goal, but I thought I’d at least be able to have one abdominal muscle by the end of March.
“So what’d you want to have lunch for?” I asked Charlie, chewing obnoxiously.
“Can’t I just take out my friends?” Charlie asked, brow furrowing. “Especially one that’s about to get married.”