I remember what Lukas said about not feeling deeply for Kendall, about how a man should own his woman…
Does he feel that ownership for me?
He’s so difficult to read, his hard features always seeming to conceal something. I shouldn’t let myself explore these avenues, even in my mind. It’s not like we’d ever be able to act on these desires, even if we share them.
A one-time encounter in the laundromat is one thing.
Being together – making love, starting a family, getting married, sharing a home – is an entirely different matter. There’s no way we’d be able to hide that from Jamie.
“Maybe he’ll find somebody,” I murmur, opening my soda.
“I really hope he does. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be able to enjoy his life.”
“And you’re right about his age. Forty-three isn’t old. But what if he came home with a twentysomething?”
I’m skirting dangerously close to the edge here, guilt stabbing at my insides. Jamie has no idea I’m carefully probing to see how he’d feel about me and his dad.
“I wouldn’t care about an age gap,” Jamie says. “As long as he was happy, honestly, I wouldn’t care who he was with.”
I sip my soda, mostly so I don’t have to speak. I have to remind myself that Jamie wouldn’t be saying this if he knew what had happened between me and his dad.
If he knew the full truth, he’d probably throw his soda in my face.
Chapter Twelve
Lukas
It’s like she’s a magnet pulling me across the city.
It’s been almost a week since the explosion of lust in the laundromat, but it feels longer. Each second apart from her becomes an hour, each hour a day, each day a year. It’s like there’s this cloud hanging over me wherever I go, this cloud that blocks out any joy.
I can’t savor anything, feel enthusiastic about anything, knowing my woman is out there not knowing how much she means to me.
She didn’t return to work after that night, so I spent the next couple of nights covering the shift myself until I could find a replacement. I gave it to an ex-alcoholic keen on a second chance, with a tough look about him, meaning those assholes who were bullying Lorena should stay away.
As I sat in the laundromat for those two nights, I couldn’t help but replay the scene with Lorena repeatedly. I remember the way I kissed her, the shocking way she gasped before sinking into the kiss… and most of all the way she trembled for me as I brought her to orgasm.
I often dream of her, where she tells me she’s a virgin, again and again, her fingernails clawing possessively onto me… when I claim her, when I own her body.
Lukas and Lorena, against the world.
Which would be fine if the world didn’t include my only child.
It’s been a week, and now I’m driving across the city on an errand that’s going to bring me close to her parents’ house. I haven’t laid eyes on Lorena since what we shared, and I feel the need fiercely, in every part of my body.
I know I can gain nothing by driving by her house.
If I get a glimpse of her, what then? Do I think it’s going to make letting go any easier?
Jamie came to dinner the other night and we spoke about relationships. I tried to carefully question him about him and Lorena again, but Jamie has always been withdrawn about his relationships, even when we talk about so much else.
In the end, he told me he wanted me to be happy, to find someone.
“I know you’re a grumpy old man, dad,” he said teasingly, smiling as he joked. “But I’m sure there’s someone out there for you. And I was only joking about the old part… but not the grumpy part.”
I chuckled as we sat on my balcony, our plates in front of us, looking over the city. My tongue felt like it was trying to move into action on its own, to tell Jamie I’ve already found someone… a woman who makes everything seem brighter, a woman who makes me want to start a family and have a future.
“Promise me you’ll at least think about it,” he’d said. “Who knows? We could even get you on some dating apps.”
I drive through the city, heading to a supplier. Which is an excuse if I’ve ever heard one. There are plenty of curtain suppliers in the heart of the city, but I chose this one, giving myself a reason to be closer to Lorena.
I know it probably makes me insane, but that’s how I feel like I’m being torn right down the middle. I can’t stop thinking about the way she looked when she told me she was a virgin like she thought it would make me less attracted to her.