Valerian’s not even looking at me.
Maksim’s found that his hand looks quite interesting during this toast.
The point is made by the way my best friends and family are celebrating tonight, and I just wish… I wish that they understood why.
The crown is heavy. We all know this; we’ve all talked about this, so now that it’s my turn, I wonder why they can’t be more gracious.
I feel weak right now as tears burn the backs of my eyes. I see everything. I’ve always seen everything. Their future has always been so clear and mine so blurry.
They’ll all have kids.
They’ll celebrate anniversaries.
Take trips.
They’ll laugh, fuck, fight, tease—and I’ll pretend.
I tell myself to stop being a pussy. To man up and just accept everything, but my fingers itch to grab hers, and my palm is actually sweating in anticipation of the moment I can clasp hers.
My joy is at least real because, at the end of the day, she’s going home with me. Then again, so is he.
Fuck my life.
Seriously.
My dad lifts his glass of whiskey, and I lift my glass of champagne back to him. He’s either a better actor than I am, or he’s truly pumped that I’m marrying someone who loves someone else.
“A toast!” Phoenix, the Nicolasi boss, announces. “To joining two families, ending a war, and peace in the future.”
I almost roll my eyes.
I feel her tense next to me.
“Cheers.” I lift my glass and then lower it. “Actually, I wanted to say a few things.”
The tension intensifies by a billion in that kitchen.
Good.
Because if I can’t have love, let me have fear. Let me have darkness. Let me live in a hell I’ve already reserved.
I tell myself it’s not my fault.
But at the end of the day, it is—because I got involved. I tried to save her, and then I fell for her in a way that can’t be undone.
Del reaches for my hand.
I squeeze it tight. “Thank you for coming tonight, for celebrating a union that will, hopefully, in the future make it so much easier for peace between the Families to be honored.” I take a deep breath. “I’m not the Capo yet…” I laugh. “Sorry, Dad, not killing you.”
“Imagine my relief,” my dad jokes.
Everyone laughs.
I roll my eyes. Dad really is the best, even when he’s being an ass. “You know I could do it.”
“Just try.” He smirks.
“Promises…” I laugh, and it’s a real laugh, one I feel in my soul, which would be alarming to any normal person. “But, I just wanted to say that no matter what, I plan on keeping the Families together. With Ash leading us, Junior, Valerian, Tank, Maksim—” I take a deep breath. “You have nothing to worry about. You’ve taught us well, and it’s been a privilege being your children.”
My dad has nothing to say to that, but I do see tears fill his eyes.
The rest of the bosses look around at the ground like they aren’t sure they can say anything without crying. Damn, regardless of my shit situation, I love my family—all the Families so much, I’d walk through fire and say thank you.
“Cheers.” I lift my glass. “To the Cosa Nostra.”
“Cheers!” everyone says quickly.
Del grips my hand. She turns her head and whispers, “That was beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful,” I say without thinking.
She drops my hand like it’s on fire.
I messed up.
Again.
By telling the truth, which sucks because sometimes it feels like only a lie will let me win with her.
“Time to go.” Roman is suddenly at my side, his face hard to read as he looks between us, and then offers a small smile. “It’s late, and you guys do have to get married in the morning.”
“Right.” Her smile is so forced my chest cracks. It literally feels like someone took a sledgehammer to it and kept hitting it until nothing but bloody pulp remained. “See you in the morning.” She winks.
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. “See you in the morning.”
I want to say so many other things.
See you soon, my queen.
Princess.
Goddess.
Beautiful.
But all I’ve got is “see you in the morning,” while everyone around us celebrates.
Roman’s eyes lock onto mine. “I’ll take care of her.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say that’s exactly what keeps me up at night regardless of how I know he’ll protect her. Fuck, it’s like I’ve just handed her over to him on a silver platter and paid him for it since technically he’s on my payroll.
Shit.
“Yeah.” My voice cracks. “I know you will. With your life.”
It’s the only reason I can let her go, knowing that he would give every organ in his body to keep her safe.
She looks at me one last time, then stands up on tiptoes and kisses my cheek. “I’ll be at the altar.”
“I’ll be the one at the end in a suit,” I tease, my voice shaky.