“Still. He should have had the balls to break up with you properly over it not being the right thing for the both of you. Not just take the easy way out like a damn coward.”
“So now you know,” she said softly, eyes closed.
The weight hadn’t left her heart like she thought it would. It was worse, that pain, the burden of grief. She doubted it would ever go away. People were wrong. Talking didn’t help. It didn’t fix anything at all.
CHAPTER 14
Callie
“You did what?” There weren’t many times Chantara was shocked. She was one of those live life to the fullest type of people and little surprised her. She wasn’t exactly wild. Well, maybe most people would call her that.
“Yeah. I told him.”
“Everything? About- about the miscarriage?”
“And about Ben.”
Chantara wiped sleep from her eyes. “Jesus. I thought when you rolled in at four in the morning you were going to have something to tell me about getting laid for a change.”
“Oh, we did have sex.”
“And after you told him? You told Matt Hilbert things you wouldn’t even tell your own family?”
“I guess that I did.”
“After you had sex.”
“Yes, that’s pretty much right.”
“Hold on. I need to make us some coffee.” Chantara flew around the kitchen, gathering the things she needed to put on the dark roast she loved. “So, you told him everything, everything?”
Callie could really use a stiff cup of something black and bitter. Maybe she could scald herself back to reality. “Yes. Pretty much.”
“Why would you do that? Tell him, I mean? You haven’t even really told your family what went on with Ben.”
A heaping spoonful of grounds was dumped into a filter, followed by another. The filter was placed in the machine and the on switch was pushed. Chantara did this weird thing where she always had the thing filled up with water and ready to go for the next time she used it.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I- maybe it was the sex. I felt- screwed up after. He was the one who started it and I had my guard down. I felt- all soft inside or something.”
“Definitely the hormones. Or the orgasms. How many were there?”
Despite everything, Callie had to bite back a smile. Typical Chantara. There was no one else on earth she could talk to like she was; with her guard down and her heart wide open. “Four,” she admitted.
“Four? Holy shit. Mr. Hilbert is a demon in the sack. Good god, you kissed the right guy that night, that’s for sure.”
“Please, don’t call him that. And I might have kissed the right guy. The orgasms might have been good. Really good. But that’s it. He started asking me questions about where I came from and I just- I told him. It just kind of came out. I thought it would make me feel better about the whole thing. About Ben and everything too. It didn’t. I still feel exactly the same way. Talking doesn’t fix things. It only ruins it.”
“What?” Chantara’s eyes softened. “I’m sorry. I- that sucks. It’s really shitty. Maybe you should see a therapist or someone professional who can actually help.”
“No. I didn’t before and it’s probably too late now. I’m just going to carry this around with me forever.”
“That’s terrible. I didn’t honestly realize it was still that bad. I- I thought it just kind of went away with time and got easier to bear. And Ben- well that guy was a prick. Good riddance.”
“I’m over Ben.”
“Are you?”
Am I? Callie stared at the slow drip of the coffee, making its way down into the pot below. It seemed infinitesimally slow. “I’m over Ben,” she said carefully. “But not over what he did. I think we both know that. It’s why I haven’t been with anyone else. I don’t trust them.”
“But it’s different with Matt?”
“No. No, it’s not. I should never have slept with him. I should never have kissed him. Good god, he’s my boss. How much more inappropriate can I be? Which is why I’m quitting. As of this morning.”
“What? No!” Chantara’s blinked eyes that were red-rimmed from lack of sleep. “You can’t! I’ll be all alone there again. I love working with you. So what if you slept with him? It’s not like he’s going to tell anyone. He won’t want a sexual harassment suit on his hands.”
“It’s not that. It’s that I told him everything about- well. You know. I shouldn’t have. I just- I knew that I was going to do it right after I slept with him. Quit. I can’t face going back there and seeing him after I- well it’s going to be so awkward. You can’t sleep with someone and just pretend it never happened.”
Finally, the coffee was ready. Chantara poured two mugs and handed one over. Callie took it gratefully. She held it between her palms, even though the heat was scorching. That little burst of pain felt good. It was something else to think about other than the shit that was going on in her head at the moment. Her head and her heart. She wasn’t sure which one was worse.