“What happened?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“If it upset you, then maybe we should talk. I had a bad session, too,” he said.
She was surprised as she turned to look up at him.
“You see a therapist?” she asked him. He nodded and then looked away from her and out the window.
It seemed it was difficult for him to admit to that. Maybe because he was a Green Beret and a strong-minded man.
“I started months ago when I first returned from my last tour.”
“Do you have PTSD?” she asked him before thinking.
He brought her knuckles to his lips and held her gaze.
“I won’t hurt you, or Kenny. I just have nightmares at night and don’t get a lot of sleep,” he said to her, almost on the defensive as if she would use his disorder against him or to think less of him. Something inside of Lois clicked—maybe this was common ground or a feeling of him getting what she was going through.
“I don’t think that. At least, not because you’re a soldier with PTSD.”
“Then what are you thinking, right now?” he asked and then reached up with his other hand to push a stray wet hair from her neck.
“That I have nightmares, too, and can’t sleep at night. I don’t eat well, and I’m on edge. You would think after all that baking I did yesterday that I would be exhausted and sleep for hours, but I got like an hour’s sleep maybe.”
“I know how that is. They want me to take sleep aids.”
She snorted. “Yeah, so we sleep and can’t protect the ones we love if something happens,” she stated and his eyes widened.
“You, too?”
She nodded her head.
“I can’t stop the visions, the intense memories of that night, no matter how hard I try. The sleeping aids mask it, but several times I got caught in the nightmare because of them and I felt it all over again. I woke up sweating so badly, and I felt the aches and pains from my injuries as if it had just happened all over again.” Tears filled her eyes and she looked away, only for him to cup her cheek and make her look at him.
“That happens to me, too. The roars of pain amidst the sounds of gunfire and explosions. Me losing my buddies, seeing their torn flesh and thinking I was next.” He stopped talking and looked away. She could see the pain in his eyes and she felt terrible for him. It made her realize she did care for these men more than she wanted to admit. She didn’t think they would understand her fears, or maybe she thought they wouldn’t want her because she was a victim.
She lifted up and cupped his cheek, turning his face toward hers. She had to lift up higher to face him. The feeling of his light whiskers against her palms aroused her, made her feel how strong her attraction to this older, experienced man really was.
“The pain from his hands ripping my clothes off my body, striking me repeatedly while Kenny cried in the background, hearing everything.”
His eyes widened. He shook his head and placed his hands on her hips.
“He didn’t—”
She placed her finger over his lips as the tears fell from her eyes.
“He was so angry, out of control—hitting me, beating me into submission. I didn’t want Kenny to see. I begged for him to hide his eyes so my baby wouldn’t see his father rape me, bend my body over the couch, and yell things, assault me as his friend watched, laughing, and Kenny cried.” He reached up and wiped her tears away and she saw the tears in his eyes, the emotion.
“My God, baby, no wonder you’re so scared.” He pulled her against his chest and hugged her tightly. He caressed her back and rubbed it gently as she sobbed against his shoulder and let it all out.
“He can’t hurt you anymore. You can’t let him win, let what he did to you make you so scared that you can’t live your life. That you can’t make Kenny feel safe.”
She pulled back. “I want him to feel safe.”
“Then you need to surround him with people, with men who will protect him and make him, as well as you, feel safe.”
She stared a