You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

“Don’t follow me and stop anyone else from doing so,” I say quietly as I walk into El’s room and close the door.

I COULDN’T BRING myself to do anything more than grab the diary and get the hell away from that godforsaken place. What am I doing? I mean I know I’m sitting on the edge of the bed that is apparently mine for as long as I want it—Devy does not want me to leave—staring at this diary that could either raise more questions or answer the ones that are swimming around my mind and drowning my senses. That isn’t the answer I’m looking for though, what I need to figure out is what I am doing with my life?

It’s all over now, the danger is gone or at least I think it is. Devon isn’t convinced but I won’t stay in his weird arse compound for the rest of my life and I won’t stay in London. Too much has gone down, I can’t cope with this hellhole anymore. The only thing is, do I want any of the guys to come with me if they choose to do so?

“Leighbear, can I come in?” Ever the gentleman, I don’t want to lose Noah but I can’t be with anyone right now not physically, at least not yet. I haven’t even begun to recover and if anyone could respect that and be willing to wait, it’s Noah.

Opening the door, he looks like utter horseshit. I hate that this stems from his worrying, he had the news he and his family had been hoping for but he isn’t celebrating it because he’s here with me. Am I only capable of bringing misery to people’s lives?

“How are you doing?” he asks, as he steps into my room but is careful not to brush against me.

I know this is what I want and need but part of me, the masochist within, wants him to ignore my request and take me in his arms and prevent me from pushing him any farther away.

“As well as can be expected, honestly Noah, I want to leave here. Not just this damn building, but London, this entire fucking area. I don’t want it anymore,” my voice is rising and I can’t take it. Nothing is setting me off, so I don’t know why I suddenly feel the need to send my lamp careening through the air and smashing against the window.

Glass is falling everywhere, inside and out and all I can do is stand here and watch the destruction. This is all I am, a destructive entity, built to destroy and hurt. Noah doesn’t deserve my baggage, I have to set him free.

“Leighbear, tell me how to help you. All I want to do is pull you into my arms and prove to you that everything will be okay now, but I can’t and I feel helpless,” his voice is breaking but I can’t let it affect me, if I do I’ll never get through this.

“You don’t know what helpless is Noah, try being restrained to a chair and blasted with ice cold water from a hose that pacts so much force you can’t believe it didn’t strip your flesh from your bones. Having your fingers snapped because it was the lesser of two evils or your shoulder dislocated and feeling thankful because it wasn’t scalding hot water or a bat to the knee,” I’m toe to toe with him, my chest is pounding and my eyes are stinging. “You think you’re helpless, how the fuck do you think I felt?”

“Leighbear, I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to make things worse for you, I only want to be with you,” his hands are shaking and flexing at his side, I hate that the movement makes me want to cower away even though I know in my heart he would never hurt me.

“I think you should go and I don’t just mean from this room or this place but from my life,” exhaling hard, I connect my eyes with his and I can see as his shutters fall down. “I release you Noah, live the life you want and forget about me. I’m too fucked up to keep you and I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again,” I can’t look at him anymore, I’m in shreds and I may as well be bleeding on the floor with how destroyed I feel.

“Fuck you Henleigh,” if my head whips up any faster I’ll get whiplash, the vehemence in his voice is stripping me bare and I don’t know how to react. He steps closer and his hand comes up next to my cheek but it isn’t touching me. I can feel the air stirring and it’s taking everything I have to not lean into his touch.

“I’m not yours to release and I can do whatever I want with my fucking life, even if that means following you to the ends of the earth or waiting for you to open your stubborn arse eyes and see that I am here and I always will be. I want you and I love you and you are more than worth the wait, I’m not going anywhere so get used to it. I’ve been waiting for you my whole life, I can wait a little longer,” the tips of his fingers curl inwards and graze my cheek, making me shiver, squeeze my eyes closed and sob at the sudden touch.

I sob harder as it disappears and as I open my eyes, all I can see is his back as he walks out of my room and closes my door behind him.

He won’t leave me, because he loves me and thinks I deserve to be loved. This guy is going to be the death of me and I couldn’t care less, he wants to stick around through all my bullshit and self destruction. Maybe it won’t last as long with him around, if anyone can bring me back into the light, it’s Noah.

FOUR

15TH JULY 2008

I hate them!! If it wasn’t for Henleigh, I’d blow this whole fucking town, I know Devon would have my arse for keeping a fucking diary like a twelve-year-old girl but I can’t keep this shit bottled up any longer. I’m going to blow if I don’t do something soon, the only thing keeping me together is the guys and my little pipsqueak. The thing is and I hate myself for saying it, I would give the guys up in a heartbeat if it meant I could get away with Hen. She deserves more than this and their fucked up bullshit. They have the cheek to call themselves our parents, where’s the honesty and decency gone or maybe they never even had it to begin with. I’m so glad she’s too young to understand any of this, I swear to heaven and hell though, if they ever bring that shit to this house again I’ll kill them. Those vile excuses for human beings should never be allowed near Henleigh, she’s five years old, how could they think it would be okay.

27TH JULY 2008

That stupid bitch, I fucking warned her. Clearly I can’t trust her to keep us safe if she’s bringing that shit into our home, and with Henleigh here, what if she found some of it? No, I have to do it, I see that now. I just have to get Devon to agree, he doesn’t want me anywhere near the club, thinks it’ll ruin me. I still don’t know why he hangs around with us, maybe because of his brother? Not that it matters, they’re our brothers now and they’ll help me, but I need more than his promises, I need the way to keep us safe myself. If I join the club, then I won’t have to worry, we’ll have protection and I can save enough money to get us away from here. I’ll miss the guys but I’m sure they’ll come and visit us, they didn’t ditch me when I told them I was gay, so why would a little thing like distance stop them? It won’t, but I have to work it out first and if that means joining his MC then that’s the price I am willing to pay. I don’t know what it will entail exactly, but I know that he’s often covered in bruises and blood, not always his own, and he’s got this darkness in his eyes that has most people running scared. It even scared me in the beginning, but not Henleigh, never my little pipsqueak. She’d probably come face to face with a lion and scratch its ears like a damn kitty cat. No fear, sometimes I wish she had just a little, maybe then she’d see the danger we truly are in. The outside world is a scary place, but it’s even worse when it’s within your own home, your haven.

30TH SEPTEMBER 2008

He isn’t happy, but he’s agreed to let me train with him, he doesn’t get to decide whether they’ll let me in and I can’t be a member of the more legal side until I’m eighteen, but I’m not interested in that. I need to be where the money is, and it isn’t by following the laws created by the rich twats, not if I want to keep Hen safe. I need to break a few laws and make some cash quick. On another note, I need to hide this somewhere else, I know someone was in my wardrobe, the thread I put above the door wasn’t there when I got home. I can’t have them finding this. I could destroy them with the shit I’ve collected, better to keep it safe in case all else fails. I really don’t want to take this to the cops though, we’ll be put into care and what if they separate us? I can’t risk that, she needs me and I need her.

Six months later

“THIS IS CRAZY, I mean it is crazy right?” I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve asked the guys this, and I can see Harrison trying not to laugh even with his back to me.

“It’s a little unorthodox, but what else did you expect. Devon wasn’t going to just let you disappear on him, he wants to keep you safe and I guess this helps him to feel better,” Noah answers, ever the diplomat.

He’s right of course, Devy was not happy to see me go but he understood why I had to get away. As long a

s I promised not to run away and hide from him and to let him help me get settled. Yeah because settled means getting me a huge fucking house that I do not need and enrolling me in college, oh and I’m not even going to get started on the bank account. I do not want to know how he has so much money at his disposal.

“At least we’re together and there’s enough room so we won’t irritate the crap out of one another,” Harrison says, placing the shopping bags on the counter so I can start putting them away.