You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

“Don’t come near me Noah please I beg you, if you come over here I’ll want to be held by you and I can’t bear to be touched,” Just admitting that feels like a gut punch and as though I’ve jumped from the highest ledge right into a pool of bubbling lava.

His face looks devastated but I think it is for me instead of for himself, he knows he cannot fix this and I’m not sure I can either.

“We can go and see Dante now, if that’s what you want, little Hen. He’s still in your old home but I’ve had him moved out of the basement so it won’t be too much for you,” Devon says, he looks a little green. He does not want this to happen, he wants me to stay far away from Dante and probably that house.

I can’t bring myself to look at them, I just need to go into the bathroom wherever the fuck that is and get dressed. I need to go, I need to see Dante and then I’ll get my head tested.

THIS CAR RIDE is tense and feels more awkward than it did when Elijah and his mum took me to the prison so I could confront Devon. It’s surreal sitting here in the back of the car with Noah and he’s being extra careful to not touch me or get too close in case the car throws him my way.

Devy is with us but he doesn’t do cars anymore, instead he’s on his bike leading the car to my old home. I know how to get there without a guide, but I’m not the one in control, I’m just along for the ride. Even if it is of my own creation, Dante is alive because of me and I doubt he even cares. Knowing him, being dead or alive will mean the same thing for him.

“We’re here,” says the intense motherfucker in the driver’s seat, I know Noah wants to take my hand and lend me his strength but all I can do is fold my hands together and hold them tightly against my stomach.

We leave the car and I’m not going to waste anytime second guessing myself, I’m good to go. Only the scream escaping me as Devon lays his hand on my shoulder has me falling apart as I fall to the ground and curl myself up into a ball. It’s too much. All I can see is Dante and Finley’s face swimming through my mind. I feel utterly wrecked and I don’t know if I will ever be okay with being touched again.

“Fuck!” He screams as he paces back and forth and tugs at his hair, hard.

“Don’t touch me,” I say quietly as I get back up to my feet so I can open the door and come face to face with the guy who I was certain would be my killer.

I don’t know what to do, I need to get through this but I’m a wreck. One blow from caving in and maybe I’ll shatter so bad that nothing could ever make me whole again. This line of thinking is not helping right now though, I just need to take deep breaths and find my composure.

“He’s in the master bedroom, I didn’t think you’d want him in yours or Elliott’s. I know I fucking didn’t,” he says thickly as he storms off back over to his bike and instead of climbing on, he sends his foot into the side of the car that brought us here.

“I’m ready,” I say as I square my shoulders, ignoring the twinge that shoots through me because of the movement.

Noah is saying something but I cannot hear anything through the water rushing over my ears, I can’t make out any of his words as my vision darkens around the edges and I get full on tunnel vision.

My hand is running along the banister, I used to do it all the time and El would try to stop me by scaring me with the threat of splinters. I never got them and I doubt I will now, but the memory makes me want to smile and cry at the same time.

I need to clear my head, but it doesn’t matter. I just need to make it to the master bedroom and confront Dante, I don’t plan on ever seeing him again after this. I push open the door and my breath lodges in my throat as I take in the state of him.

His lip is fat and split, he’s sporting two black eyes, a broken nose if the swelling is anything to go by and he has dried blood all over him.

“Hey pretty girl, I was not expecting to see you coming through that door,” he says before coughing blood out and spitting it onto the floor.

“I have a question that I need to know the answer to, and please no bullshit,” I say as I wrap my arms around my stomach to protect myself from the chill that is coursing through me.

“Go for it pretty girl, what do I have to lose,” he says monotonously, but the ice within him has nothing on the iciness that now consumes me.

“Did you kill Elliott?” I won’t take my eyes off him, I need him to be looking me head on when he gives me his answer.

“I drove the van into the side of the car and I stood beside him as he spoke yours and Damon’s name and took his last breath. But I wasn’t the one who placed my hand over his mouth and held his nose closed. I was the catalyst and he probably would have died from his injuries, but no, I did not kill Elliott. Do what you want but I was paid a great deal of money to never reveal who they were, I won’t go back on that,” he says and I believe him a

nd I also know that I won’t get that name out of him no matter what I or Devon do.

“I know I’m going to die here and I failed in killing you, but do you remember what I said as Devon took you away from the basement?”

I can’t take my eyes off him. He said something. No, I can’t remember, I cannot remember a damn thing that happened once he started to bleed me. What more can I do but shake my head.

“Your brother had a loose floorboard in his room, I found it and discovered a journal. I haven’t read it, there was very little interest to be stirred within me, but maybe you will want to,” he says, smiling with a mouth that is much too wide to be considered friendly.

I can’t be here any longer, what I need is to get this diary and walk away. From this house, this city and the people within. I think I need a fresh start, build some new memories and replace all the bad ones that are swimming through me. Oh yes, I can’t do this anymore, I need to get away.

I can’t do much more than stumble from the room, Noah is trying to soothe me but I know he feels helpless. There isn’t anything he can say or do to make this all okay, I’m not me anymore, I’m different now. I can’t bear to be touched, not after what Finley did. I can’t even think about it right now. I know it could have been worse, they could have killed my soul in so many horrific ways but for me, what they did was plenty and there’s no coming back from that.

I want Finley dead, but if I say this to Devy, he will make it happen. I don’t know what kind of gang he is in, but I know he has very few limits on what he will do to protect or avenge the people he cares about. I can’t have that on my conscience, I just can’t.

“What can I do?” Noah asks, he’s breaking my heart, why does he have to be so perfect?