I wince. So, he’s more upset that he was letting on.
“No,” I say with feeling. I definitely don’t want him to believe that I’m using our status as an excuse for why we’re not together. “I just mean we have different interests in life. You’re an amazing man, and you’ve done so much in your life, but our experiences are so different. Even though we like each other now, I don’t think we’ll ever graduate beyond lust.”
Something flashes across his expression, too fast to see.
“Is that all this is?” he asks quietly. “Lust?”
“Yes,” I say, nodding. This was what I wanted to get onto. “I want your body, you want mine. We can’t build a lasting relationship on that.”
He looks…oddly hurt. I’m not sure why. Because lust has been the biggest factor of our relationship so far, right? Using that was the safest thing to do, the thing that would hurt the least.
So why does he look like I’ve said something truly terrible?
“I see,” he says after a moment. “Our different interests… It was the motorbike, wasn’t it? Is that the biggest difference that you can’t see yourself handling?”
Say yes, I think. It’s a ready-made excuse. Kyle already knows that I can’t stand the motorbike, that I only got on it for his sake yesterday. I never told him that I didn’t find it that bad.
Can I bear to say “yes,” though? His motorbike is a memento of his father, his childhood, of the man who turned his life around. I would be denying everything about him if I say “yes” right now.
But I need to.
“I’m sorry,” I say to him in answer.
His jaw tightens.
“It’s fine,” he says roughly. He drains the last of his coffee. “We both knew this was a possibility. We’ve only been on the one date, after all, and that was to see if we were compatible.” He pauses. “So, last night… Why?”
I wince. That one’s harder to explain away. Why did I jump him as soon as we walked in the door if I didn’t want a relationship with him?
Because I do want a relationship with him, it’s just not something we can do right now.
“I just wanted you,” I say. It’s a weak excuse. “Your body. Your muscles… They’re really amazing, you know.”
I give him a small smile. He doesn’t return it.
“So I’ve heard,” he says.
Is he angry? I don’t know if I would blame him if he is. I’ve given him so many mixed signals this week, telling him I want him, then casting him out, approaching him to ask him for a date, and then telling him I don’t want him after all. I’ve been really cruel to him.
It’s just until Jesse is gone, I remind myself. Maybe, after, he’ll forgive me.
“Kyle…” I say, and then hesitate. Why is this so hard? “I’m really sorry.”
He sighs.
“Don’t apologize,” he says. “We’re both adults, we both knew what we were doing. It’s fine.”
“Can we… stay friends?”
The question slips out without my permission. I don’t want to lose Kyle, I realize. I don’t want him to walk out that door and never return to me.
I really am selfish.
He looks surprised by the question. His brow furrows and then his expression clears. He looks at the flowers and sighs, running a rough hand through his hair. In my pocket, the card almost seems to burn.
“Yeah,” he says finally, and relief blooms in my chest. “Yeah, I’d like that. But…maybe give me a little while?”
“Of course,” I say hurriedly.