“Fuck, you feel so good,” I pant out. “Your body is amazing. Honestly, Lexi, you are…”
There are no words. How do I tell her that right now she is my everything, without sounding like a freak?
Thank God, that’s the moment she picks to thrust down onto me, allowing me to fill her right up. There’s no need for words, I can just become a slave to the intense sensations exploding through me. Fuck, I have slept with more than a few people in my time, but it’s never been like this. This is fucking incredible.
I lean my head into her ample bosom, loving the way that her breasts bounce against me as she thrusts. This also gives me the perfect chance to hear her heart racing, knowing that every pump is for me.
It isn’t long before her walls start to contract around me, she pulses and throbs, milking and coaxing the orgasm from me. Her little delightful mews become full screams, and I become a noisy animal as well. She’s crumbling, clinging to me like I’m the only thing left alive, and she makes me fall apart too.
Lexi contorts in ecstasy, and she looks like the most beautiful woman on the planet. Her face sends me spinning into space, the pleasure bursts free from me without any warning, no intense build up, it all just happens at once. Fuck me, it’s like nothing else. I want this feeling to last forever, I never want it to end. I want to be here with Lexi in this moment, just holding her and exploding into her over and over again.
I have to bite down on my bottom lip to stop myself from telling her how I feel. There’s a deep and intense urge to let her know everything, to spill my guts to her, to say things that will probably scare her.
Once we both finish shuddering and we’re swimming in the glorious post orgasmic bliss, I pull her to me and press my lips gently to hers, trying to convey how I feel instead, without actually saying it aloud. I don’t know if Lexi gets what I’m trying to say, but the kiss leaves an imprint on my heart, nonetheless.
Am I in trouble? I wonder. Is this leading us towards destruction?
I want to ask her if she’s my girlfriend, or if she wants to be, which is absolutely crazy because I’m not the guy who has a girlfriend. Ever. I’m the hit and run type, the short fling … this isn’t me. But Lexi has changed me and it’s wild. I don’t know what to do about it. Actually, I do. I want to roll with it, to see where it will lead, but the G word is too much. This is all so new. I need to hold myself together. Act like a normal person. If only I had something to use as a guideline. A previous experience to go by.
But there is something that I can do, something that will show my intentions, change it from an arrangement to a real thing without going too heavy too quickly. Something normal that I probably won’t fuck up.
“Do you want to go for a drink, Lexi? There’s a bar just around the corner…”
“Oh right.” Her eyes open wide. “That sounds nice, actually, oh but…”
I can already see that she’s going to refuse like does before, which instantly makes me feel like shit. I’ve been over here falling for her, convincing myself that I see my feelings in her too, which is clearly wrong…
“I have somewhere to be tonight, I’m so sorry, Isaac. I would otherwise, but I have…”
This is the secret. I don’t know how I can tell, but I just can. The secret that requires a damn good salary and makes her this mysterious enigma. I can’t stop her from doing whatever she needs to, because I don’t know how important it is. “Oh yeah sure, another time then. Whenever you can.”
She straightens out her clothes quickly and leans down to kiss me gently, first on the forehead and then on the lips. Things are definitely different now, it’s changed, and I like it. I just wish that we could continue our night somewhere else. I would love to have some time with Lexi in a more relaxed environment where I could learn another side to her. To see how she really is out of work, when she isn’t yelling at me. There’s this whole side to her that I don’t know yet, and I want to know it more than anything in the world.
Then she leaves with a quick goodbye and a wave of her hand. As her skirt blows out behind her, I yearn for her like a lovesick teenager. It kills me not to be with her, but I have to let her go. It’s the right thing to do.
“You are crazy,” I tell myself once she’s gone. “You’re putting yourself into a commitment where you aren’t going to be comfortable. If she isn’t ready to share a secret, then it isn’t serious… Is having a commitment with Lexi a good idea?”
All the women that I have rejected so far is because they wanted too much from me, but now it feels like it’s all been flipped and reversed, leaving me on the other side of the deal. I have to say, its shit being on this side. It makes me consider my behavior from the past. It makes me wish that I’d been much kinder. Then maybe karma wouldn’t be after me now, wanting me to feel so dreadful.
Chapter Seventeen
Lexi
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I mutter as I run. “I’m supposed to be there already. What am I doing?”
I’m being torn to pieces here, falling apart. I want to be with Isaac, making love with him, heading out for drinks with him, having a sort of date like a normal person… but I also want, and need to be at the hospital with Jane. I definitely shouldn’t have stayed late tonight of all the nights because she started her new treatment today.
Angry tears fill my eyes, and a severe temper rages. I’m utterly furious with myself for being so selfish. I wanted to be in the hospital all day today, but Jane wouldn’t let me ignore my job. And to pay her back, I didn’t even turn up right after work like I should have done because I was having sex. I’m a massive asshole.
“This is bad, this is really fucking bad, this is going to kill me.”
The self-hatred that I feel right now is intense. It takes away from everything that came before. All the good that happened tonight. All the progress that I made with Isaac… it’s all tainted by my shitty choices.
By the time I get to the hospital, I have to pause for a few more moments to wipe my tears away. I can’t go in there with tears of self-pity, today of all days. That would make it even worse. When Jane is going through the most intense time of her life, I feel bad for myself. No, I can’t accept my behavior and absolutely refuse to be that way.
Eventually, I feel ready, so I head inside, brave now, but sucking in deep breaths as I head towards Jane’s room. When I enter her room, my blood runs ice cold when I find her not there. My first instinct is to panic and scream, beg for help and demand to know what’s happened. It’s a real struggle to keep that reaction inside. My voice might remain silent, but my eyes flicker wildly around, the unbridled terror getting to me.
“Lexi!” Relief floods me as I hear her voice, but it’s short lived because she doesn’t sound good.