I run to the door, but then I pause there and hold the knob in my fingers. Do I really want this?
“Isaac, I just want to be alone,” I reply in a trembling voice. “Please, just leave me alone.”
“No, please. I need to see you. I need to talk to you. My dad can think what he wants, he can continue being the asshole that he wants, but it doesn’t affect us. If only I’d known what he was going to do…”
“Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. I know that wasn’t your fault…” I try to reassure him.
“Lexi, I want to be with you. I know you’re probably thinking right now that we can’t be together because of my family, but I don’t care. I want you, I will give everything up for you.”
I rest my head against the door, sadness engulfing me. “But you will have to give up everything. You’ll have to sacrifice so much for me, and I don’t want that. I don’t want you to lose it all…”
“But I’ve already given it up. I’ve walked away from the job, because it isn’t what I want anyway. You know I want my own business, that’s what I have always wanted. This is just the boost I need to do it.”
I know what he’s trying to do, but I can’t accept that. “It isn’t just your business though. It’s your family.”
“If my dad doesn’t want me to be happy, then that’s up to him. I don’t care. I love you, Lexi. That’s all that matters to me. We have got such a wonderful relationship, I don’t know why that has to be ruined.”
“You aren’t seeing the bigger picture,” I warn him. “I have had my family taken away from me without my control. I don’t want you to walk away from yours because you’ll regret it.”
He’s silent for a bit too long, I know that I have gotten through. That fills me with sadness and relief all at once. I need him to understand, but it still hurts.
“Please let me in, Lexi. Let me just see you. I don’t want it to be this way.”
It sounds more like he’s accepting this is a goodbye now, so I click the door open and let him inside. He steps in with a heaviness to him, a sadness that everything between us is falling apart. This is the worst moment of our relationship so far, because it’s an acceptance that no matter what we want, we’re done.
“Lexi, don’t let my father take you away,” he pleads, going for it one last time. “I don’t want that.”
I avert my eyes away. “Isaac, I don’t want to, you know that, and I’m sure that this won’t be the last time we see one another because we share a child now. I’m sure you’ll want to see your baby, but as for me and you… I won’t let us get in the way of your family. It isn’t right.”
“You’re my family now. You’re the mother of my child. Why aren’t you listening to me?”
I shake my head, my insides tearing apart. I so want to, I want to give into everything that he wants to give me, but for once I’m trying to be smart. I’m trying not to let my heart over rule my head.
I lean forward and touch Isaac on the cheek, my heart shredding even further as I do. “I think that it’s best for us to have some space, don’t you? To work out how to make this work for both us.”
His hand rests on top of mine. “But I already know that I want it to work with us. I want us to be together.”
“I know, but we need some time to work out if we can make it happen. You need to sort out your relationship with your father, and I need to focus on Jane. I can’t add more stress to that.”
He narrows his eyes for a couple of moments, staring at me in shock, but I’m sure he knows that I’m right. This is complicated, we both have so much going on in our lives, we can’t make us work out through all of that. There might be time in the future maybe, but I can’t make that promise, just in case.
“Lexi, you are my favorite person in the world. I can’t stand the idea of being without you.”
“But you don’t just need me. You need other people as well. You know that.”
He takes a step backwards, as he lets my words wash over him. “So, what is this? Us breaking up? Can we communicate? When do I get to know what’s going on with us?”
My head falls forward and sickness swirls around in my stomach. “I don’t know what this is, Isaac. I just think we need a bit of space, that’s all. Just to sort our lives out.”
He steps closer to me and grabs my waist before pressing his lips to mine. The kiss steals my breath away, it turns my knees to jelly, it reminds me how good things were between us. I know that it’s crazy to give it up, but this is all I can do. Right now, this is the best thing.
“Okay,” Isaac tells me as he eventually pulls back from me. “You want space? That’s fine. Just know that I will be there for you. Whatever you need, I’m here. I will spend some time sorting myself out, so you don’t need to worry about me. You just focus on yourself and come back to me when you can.”
I can see this is killing him and it crushes me. It makes me feel utterly gutted, but I let him go. He keeps his eyes on me as he makes his way towards the door, not taking them away from mine and shaking the magic of the moment, and then he’s gone. He’s vanished into nothingness, leaving me alone.
This is what I need. Space is the right thing right now, but it sucks. It doesn’t feel good.
I head back to packing, needing to get out of here even more now. I can’t be in this place with so many memories, so many feelings. I need to be in a blank slate, with nothing. Walls that I don’t recognize, a place with no thoughts of my own to circle around me, that’s the only way I can think straight. I need to decide what my future holds, what me and Isaac are going to be to one another, what our future holds.