Chapter Thirty-Seven
Lexi
I don’t know what is happening, everything races around me in a blur. The days seem to blur in to one long one, all in a fog of deep sadness. Half the time, I don’t know if I even move. I just remain in one place, on Isaac’s bed, hurting more than I ever knew I could. I thought that it was bad when Mom died, but this is worse. A lot worse. I think it’s because I’m alone now, I really don’t have anyone, and that sucks like hell.
Well, not no one. I do have my baby. Every time it gets too much for me, I cup my belly, grateful that while he or she isn’t born yet, I still have some family. That’s what I’m living for now, my child, that’s the only reason that I have to keep on going. To eat, to sleep, to drink water, to breathe… to do what Jane would want.
“Lexi.” Isaac touches me softly, bringing me back to the present moment for a second. “Did you want to take a look at the flowers with me? I know this is hard, but choices need to be made for the funeral.”
“Yellow,” I mutter quietly. “Yellow flowers were her favorite. Any yellow.”
“You don’t want to take a look at them with me? I have all the flyers to look at.”
“I can’t handle it,” I admit. “It’s too much. Please can you do it for me?”
I honestly don’t know what I would do without him here. I’m putting a lot on him, I know I am. I should be dealing with the funeral myself, being Jane’s only family left alive, but I just can’t deal with it. I can’t even begin to imagine laying my sister to rest and never seeing her again. It isn’t supposed to be like this, I can’t stop thinking that she’s supposed to be better now. The treatment is supposed to have worked and we should be thinking about her coming out of the hospital, planning for the future, thinking of her meeting my baby, not planning her funeral so that we don’t ever see her again. None of this is right.
“Okay, well if there’s anything you want to help me with then let me know…”
Just as Isaac starts to leave the room, I reach out and grab his hand and hold him tight. I can’t say the words aloud, but I hope that he knows how much he means to me, how much this means to me.
“Hey, Isaac,” I practically whisper. “How did you know?” This has only just hit me. “Where to find me?”
I don’t even need to explain, he knows what I’m talking about. The day. The worst day of my life.
“Jane text me,” he replies. “Earlier that day. She asked me to come, so that we could speak. She knew that we wanted to speak and sort things out, so she asked me to come that evening.”
I clutch his fingers tighter as these words wash over me. Jane knew, she must have. She must have sensed that something was coming for her, and this is the last thing she could do for me. Again, she’s making me get a life, again she’s thinking of only me and not herself. She’s such a wonderful and selfless person, I love her so much… she has made sure that I’m okay, even after death. I need to hold onto this. To keep Isaac forever, because I know that’s what Jane wanted. This is her last wish for me… thank goodness I love him.
“She would do anything for you,” he continues with a loving softness to his voice. “She loved you so much.”
“You know what.” I swing my legs around and force myself into a sitting position. My head spins, I’m consumed by a dizziness for a moment, but I cling to the sheets to keep myself upright. “I will help you with the flowers. It’s not going to be easy, but I will. Because Jane would do it for me.”
Isaac smiles and lifts me to my feet, supporting me through everything. I lean against him, emotionally and physically as we walk down the stairs. I don’t know how much strength I have to face this, but I’m going to try.
It’s challenging to sit and look through funeral flyers, to know what I’m picking everything for, but I have to admit that it does give me a bit of strength. I do feel positive that I’m doing something for Jane. She has given me so much more than she will ever know, and it’s time to give her something back.
“You’re doing good,” Isaac reassures me with a smile. “Your sister would be proud.”
I tilt my head back and try to think about Jane as only the person that she was before she was sick. I need to remember that as I plan this funeral. I would only want it to reflect the person I was without the illness, and I know she would too. “We need to plan the music as well,” I shoot. “Music is important to Jane.”
Isaac never comments as I refer to Jane in the present tense, which is good, because I don’t think I’ll stop.
“Does she have any favorites? Any songs that are special to the both of you?”
“I’ll be able to think of something. Let me go and get all our old CD’s. Can we go look at my place?”
My apartment is more of a storage space at the moment, and I haven’t been back there, but now I have the inspiration to do so. Music is a great way to remember the positive, and that’s what I need right now.
“Of course we can. Let’s go right now. Get anything that you want.”
I know that Isaac still wants me to move in with him, and I’m getting closer to cracking. I don’t want to make any life changing decisions though all of this fog, but it seems like there isn’t anything holding me back anymore. Life is too short to not be happy. If I want anything then I should go for it…
There are a lot of people here. A lot. I thought that Jane had pushed a lot of people away during her illness, but they are all here now to celebrate her life, say goodbye to her. It’s emotional as I glance around the church, seeing all the people who have had their lives touched by my sister, even including people from the hospital. It feels thick in my throat, it’s hard to hold it together. But I need to. Just for a little while
longer.
I touch my belly which is becoming more of a bump every moment, and I find some strength from my child. Today, it feels more than ever like Jane is looking down on me, flooding me with her warmth and love. I love the way that her presence makes me feel. It’s a little easier knowing that I’m not alone.