“Oh, yes, Ivy told me about that.” He leans closer to me and shoots me a smile. “Beauty, right?”
“Make up. I have my own make up line.” It makes me f
eel really proud to say that. I do love talking about my career. “A vegan, cruelty free line, without any palm oil in it which is obviously good…”
Nope, Harry is tuning out, he doesn’t get it. Which I guess is normal for someone who isn’t in the makeup industry, but his lack of interest turns me off as well. I can’t keep talking about it to no one. I need to get Ivy’s attention to let her know that this isn’t working. Not at all. Me and Harry are done, and I think that we were from the very first moment that I walked in. He didn’t stand a chance with me, but I’m not right for him either.
“I’m just going to head to the bathroom,” I declare as I scrape my chair back noisily. “I’ll be back.”
As I slip away from the table, I wonder if they will even notice I left. Those three get on well, they are having a great conversation and they don’t need me there. Not that Ivy would ever be cruel enough to send me away, I just don’t feel like I would be missed. I put on my best dress and did my hair for nothing. I suppose at least I’m getting the chance to wear my makeup and show it off to the world, but that’s it. And inside this bar in my hometown, isn’t exactly the worldwide audience that I need to sell my stuff.
I sigh loudly, and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I’m finally in the bathroom alone without the date expectations weighing on me, and I’m wondering who the hell I am. I’m not the girl I once was, and I’m not who I thought that I was going to be either. Not that I had any major plans. Seth always inspired me because he knew what he wanted and went for it. Unlike me. I’m just now taking a risk, still living at home, thinking it will be successful if I stay in this town. But I know that’s not the case, I’m just scared.
I know there are more risks I have to take to make this dream come to life. I will start it in the new year. That’s what people do, isn’t it? Use the new year as an opportunity to make major life changes. Perhaps I will make a list of where I want to be a year from now, and go from there. The steps to get to that goal might seem smaller and less overwhelming.
I slide my eyes closed and focus on thirteen year old me for a moment, the dork tom boy with braces who had to leave her home in the city where she understood life, to start over in a small town. I wasn’t happy to go, thirteen is such an awkward age to try and start again, I argued against my father’s new job a million times, but obviously lost out in the end. I didn’t have any choice but to see what I could do.
Then, the older guy next door greeted me by kicking a football at me, something that he still maintains was an accident. I yelled at him before I could even think about it, and he laughed in my face. It might not have been the best way to start to a friendship, but somehow everything developed from there and he became my rock during that transition. I hadn’t ever had male friends before, not close ones anyway, and I hadn’t ever had older ones either, but it was as natural as breathing air. It was the best thing to ever happen to me.
I always assumed that we would be friends, which is why I shoved my feelings down for such a long time. I wouldn’t accept them, I ignored the butterflies, I chalked it up to hormones and assumed that it would pass… even when I started having intense sexual dreams every night.
But you can’t ignore love. It finds a way of coming out eventually, and it did. I tried to distance myself until I couldn’t ignore any longer. I even pushed him away for a while, trying to create some distance to get over my feelings, but Seth was blind to my attempts and he made sure to see me even more. Living next door to him made it almost impossible for me to get the hell away.
I was happy when it ended in a kiss, but since that didn’t exactly end well, now I’m not so pleased. It would have been easier if he let me go when it was my choice, I could have handled that.
By the time my eyes pop back open, I can’t ignore the stray tear leaking down my cheeks. This time of year is so hard for me, I think about Seth more than any other time. It makes it impossible for me to move on. This is why dating Harry was a bad plan… I just don’t want to go to the Christmas carnival alone again. Seth might not be there to see me, but I can feel his presence every year.
“Stop it,” I whisper at myself. “You’re on a date with a perfectly nice man. No need for tears.”
I try my hardest to comfort myself with the knowledge that at least Harry isn’t a complete asshole. I could be on a horrible date with a very rude man… but I don’t know if that would be better. At least then I would have a reason not to want to be with him. It wouldn’t just be because he isn’t Seth.
“Get back out there,” I tell myself. “Go out there and enjoy the rest of the date.”
But even as I say those words to myself, my brain is trying to come up with a million and one excuses that I can give to get out of this. Ivy will know what I’m doing, but I’ll make her understand in the end. I’m sure that she will be disappointed in me for blowing Harry off, but without that spark, what can I do?
I don’t want to accept that I have reached the age where I need to settle for something less. I mean, I’m only twenty six. Just because that big three oh is in the near future, I don’t need to worry. No, I can’t shake off the need for a spark. I feel like I deserve passion and fun.
I rest my hand on the doorknob and get ready to get back out there, to face the outside world, but before I do, I’m shocked by the loud noises out in the bar. There were only a few people out there when I snuck away, but now it’s as if there is a bachelor party or something going on. This bar is definitely not the place for a party of any kind, which makes it even weirder. I’m so intrigued that I forget about my nerves and I head out there…
Oh my God. There are a massive group of guys in here all of a sudden. Some of them I recognize from high school who still live here and some who come back for the holidays, but none who I particularly want to see. Now I need to get out here more than before. This date isn’t going to continue with this in here. What will I do when they spot me and start making jokes? Which they will, because that’s what they do. However grown up thy have become in the real world, when they get back together they are back to idiot teenage boys once more.
I stick my head down and try to make my way through the crowd of people. They are all taller than me, which is normal because I’m definitely petite, so I can get swallowed up easily. I use that to my advantage and slip through as unnoticed as I can manage. I’m amazed about how many guys are here this year. It’s almost as if this year is particularly special for some reason. Like it will be the Christmas to change everything.
“Yo, Bishop.” That name makes me stop dead in my tracks. I quickly shake myself, telling myself that I obviously made that up because I was just thinking about him a moment ago. “What do you want to drink, dude? Still beer, or are you too fucking fancy these days?”
“Yeah,” someone else joins in. “Is it just champagne for Mr. Hollywood now?”
Fuck. There can’t be anyone else that’s being talked about here, but it’s impossible. Seth Bishop hasn’t been back in six years and there isn’t any chance that he would be now. He’s the LA guy, Mr. Hollywood, he has no business coming back here. There isn’t any reason that he would just return all of a sudden. I mean, hasn’t he just filmed another one of his high action movies? Doesn’t he need to do promo and stuff? There isn’t any reason that he would suddenly come back to torment me further. And at Christmas as well, right before the God damn carnival. Shit, I’m not ready to see him, I don’t think that I can stand having my heart broken for a second time.
My fight or flight instincts kick in and all I can do is run. I can’t even say goodbye to Ivy, I just need to go. She will get it, when I explain that I almost ran in to Seth Bishop – Seth fucking Bishop of all people – then she will know that I didn’t have a choice.
Chapter Five
Seth
December 22nd
“Oh, yeah, sure, tease me.” I roll my eyes at my friends. “Say what you want. I might be Mr. Hollywood drinking champagne in LA, but here I just want a glass of lukewarm beer. And, you can pay.”