28
JACE
I can’t keep doing this. I stare up at my bedroom ceiling, hating this house. It’s mine, I paid for it, but it doesn’t feel like my own. Even more so since I went back to Mom’s place. I cannot keep this life up.
I imagine myself selling it, moving away and never seeing it again, and it doesn’t bother me at all. I could easily walk out the door and never look back without even thinking about this place again. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, when really my decision has already been made. I know that I need to leave, there isn’t any going back now. I can’t go back to the band; I jus
t can’t make it happen. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I know that it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know where my life will go, but it cannot be here. I will never find happiness in this life again. Anything new will be a mystery, it could go horribly wrong, but it could be good too.
I haven’t yet taken action to make that happen and I don’t know why. I suppose thinking about it and doing it are two different things, but there isn’t really any reason to keep holding back.
“Today is the day.” I swing my legs around and climb out the bed. “I need to do it.”
I need to do it for me, but for the boys as well. They deserve my honesty, Andrew was right. I cannot fuck their lives up. One phone call is all it will take and the ball will begin rolling.
I grab my cell phone and stare at the screen, willing myself to call Billy, but I make the snap decision to get some coffee first. I need some caffeine before I face this. That isn’t just another excuse… or maybe it is, but it’ll be the last one. I will one hundred percent make the call once I’ve had a drink.
I take my cell phone with me into the kitchen and click on to the Internet as I go. Automatically, I head towards Addie’s social media site. I can’t help myself, it’s like an addiction. Even worse than before, even after everything that’s happened, I want to know what’s going on inside her head. She hasn’t posted anything since I left, it’s almost as if she’s vanished from the face of the earth, which is terribly annoying.
Although I suppose it must be worse for her, if she’s looking, because she’s seeing a warped view of my life. The main focus on me at the moment is my YouTuber ‘girlfriend’, Callie, who is still acting like she knows me and we’re together, milking the rumor for everything that it’s worth. That could be killing her.
But then again, she did want me to leave. She was done with me, that’s why I left. Perhaps she hasn’t seen any of it because she isn’t looking, and even if she does, she hasn’t shown any sign of caring. She has my number now, she could call me if she wanted to, but she doesn’t, so I can’t focus on that.
“Right.” I sip my coffee and nod determinedly. “Time to call Billy.”
It takes me a couple of attempts, but I finally work up the courage to hit the call button. The ring vibrates it my ear, it makes me painfully nervous. But I know that at the end of it, freedom will be in sight.
“Hey, Jace.” Billy sounds friendly and happy. I hate that I have to shatter it. “How are you?”
“Erm, not good, Billy, if I’m honest. I guess you know what’s going on?”
“Andrew has filled me in a bit. I know you’re struggling with your future at the moment…”
“I want to leave the band.” I blurt it out without thinking too much, ripping the BAND-AID off.
“Oh no, you aren’t, are you? I really didn’t want to hear that. I was hoping we could move forward.”
“I’m sorry, Billy. I know this sucks, and I hate what I’m doing to you and the boys. But I need to do what’s right for me and my heart isn’t in it anymore. I can’t keep it up. I’ve been thinking non-stop about it, and I know for sure that I can’t keep doing it. I can’t be who you need me to be.”
“The band won’t be the same without you…”
“I know, I understand that, but the boys are good. They will do fine with someone new.”
“I don’t think that’s what they want though,” Billy tells me regretfully. “They’d prefer you.”
He’s right, I’m sure they all want me to stick around, but I know what I want now and I’m not about to be indecisive again. I’m about to head into some crazy distant future in which anything could happen.
“I’m so sorry to do this to you, I am, but it’s what I need to do.”
“I understand. There will be paperwork and a press conference. Are you prepared for that?”
I would of course rather get away without any of it, but it’s the least I can do. The right thing for the boys. The final stab to ensure that their future is sorted without me. I owe them that much.
“No problem. I can do that. Whatever you need. Thank you, Billy.”
“No worries. I guess I will get planning on what happens next then.”
We talk for a little while longer, during which time he only tries to persuade me to stay one more time. I think he can sense that not only is my mind made up, but it’s the best thing for everyone too. Now the band can move on with everything in the right way, with a new lead singer who can give them what they need.