But of course I can’t crave it because it’ll never be mine. Yes, it might be a nice idea to think of doing something else with my life, it might be a good fantasy to consider taking control of my life and moving it into a new direction, but I can’t realistically. My dad has been good to me, even if he’s hard. He’s given me my position and opened up doors for me. He’s given me all the money I could want in life. I need him. Plus, without Mom all we have is each other, I can’t be a douche bag and let him down. I can’t leave him too. He might not say it a lot, and he doesn’t really act that way, but I do think he needs me.
As I throw a tee shirt over my head and I pull on a pair of jeans, I glance at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognise the person looking back at me, but I might as well not get used to it. This version of me won’t be around for much longer.
Just as I’m about to grab my car keys, my cell phone bleeps with an email coming through. I click onto it to see that it’s from my father.
‘Good job, Son. This is you taking control. I like to see you being a leader.’
A warm feeling fills my chest. See, he does respect me. He just pushes and pushes me hard to make sure I can get to where I need to be in life. I have to be grateful to him for that. I need to stop getting offended and to just embrace his words. He only has my best interests at heart. He wants me to succeed, I just need to want that for myself instead.
Maybe I don’t necessarily like what I do with my life, but then again who does? How many people are geuninly always excited to go to work every day? Barely anyone. Rather than worrying about what I like, maybe I should just work harder at getting better at it instead. That would be a much more productive use of my time. Being positive is always better thank being negative.
I need to get my head back in the city, to my real life. I have to force myself to slowly let go of here.
Chapter 13 – Lola
I’m all excited as I wait for Brandon to arrive. I’m wearing a floaty, summer style dress which clings to my hips and skims my legs mid thigh. It reveals just a little bit of cleavage too which is awesome. With my hair in two plaits running down my front, I think I actually look pretty good. Much better than I have done the last few days in the hospital anyway. I couldn’t help it then, I was too stressed to look good. I just wore whatever and looked a mess, but Brandon stuck by me the whole time. He really didn’t have to, but he did. That’s why I’ve cooked him a nice meal and I’ve brought some nice wine. I can’t afford much but I can do this for him. I can try and make him smile.
I also want to find out whether or not he paid the hospital bill for me. It isn’t going to be easy to get out of him, but it has to be him. Who else could it be?
As his heavy knocks come against the door, my heart flutters with excitement. I get a delicious thrill racing up and down my spine. He’s here, and that makes me feel like jelly.
I definitely like him far too much, I think to myself as I take the steps to close the distance between me and the door. It’s dumb, but I might even love him.
I don’t think that I’ve ever been in love before. I thought I was when I was with Rory, but that was high school, small town stuff. Mostly it was just comfortable, not the sort of thing to last full term even if my mom hadn’t gotten sick. I didn’t know any better then, but now I do. Now I know what it feels like when someone seems to complete me.
I think my dad must be right, I think there might be something genuine between me and Brandon and I actually believe it might be something worth fighting for. If Mom and Dad managed to make it work in a world before cell phones and the Internet, then surely me and Brandon can do it. We don’t even live that far away from one another, it’s only about an hour and a half in the car. It isn’t life altering distance. If we want to, we could do it. I know that I’m committed, I just need to work out if Brandon is as well.
“Hey there,” I say in a flirty tone of voice as I push the door open. “How are you?”
Instantly I can sense that he isn’t himself, I don’t even need to say anything. He looks pale and distracted, almost as if he doesn’t want to be here at all. I suddenly think back to the phone call we shared not that long ago and I was so keen to get him over here that I di
dn’t notice the strain in his voice. Maybe there’s a reason that he doesn’t want to be here.
My emotions fall flat, I feel my heart sink into my shoes. I don’t want Brandon to be here unwillingly. I was so excited, I’ve spent all day as soon as I got Dad into bed looing forward to being with him. Now he’s here and it isn’t like I planned it to be at all.
I fold my arms over my chest awkwardly as I step aside to let him in. I got all dressed up nice for him and he hasn’t even looked at me. It’s completely humiliating.
“Erm, yeah, good day,” he replies gruffly without even asking me about my own day. “The project is getting much closer to being completed now.”
Oh… maybe that’s it. Maybe he doesn’t like the idea of leaving. As soon as I fill him in with my idea to potentially at least try a long distance thing a go he might cheer up. I just need to wait for the right moment for it. I need to wait until he’s loosened up a bit.
“I suppose you’ll want a drink then.” I grab two wine glasses and fill them up while my heart thunders against my rib cage. My brain spins rapidly as I try my hardest to find the right words to say. “It must be good to know that you’ve done a good job though, right?”
“You haven’t even seen it,” he snaps back sharply as he takes the glass from me. “How do you know that I’ve done a good job? It might be a mess.”
I gulp noisily and I take my seat. All the fun has been completely zapped out of the night which causes hot tears to ball up behind my eyes. I don’t want us to fall out, I don’t want our magical few months to be ruined over nothing. Just because it has to come to an end.
“I just presumed,” I reply quietly. “Sorry, I didn’t think. Is that… is it because of all the time spent at the hospital?”
His shoulders sag, I can see all the tension visibly run off his shoulders. “No it isn’t that at all. I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel that way, I wouldn’t change all the time I spent with you in the hospital for anything in the world. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that then.” He sighs loudly and leans his elbows onto his knees as he slides into the other chair. “Hank and the guys have done a great job, I’ve loved working with them.”
I want to ask him what the problem is, but for some reason the words don’t come out my mouth. I fear I might burst into sobbing tears that rack through my entire body if I part my lips at all. I remain silent and wait for him to continue.
“I’ve been speaking to my dad today and he’s… he’s hard work,” he says, sounding defeated. “It’s just put a lot of stress on my shoulders, that’s all. Maybe I shouldn’t have come tonight because I don’t want to be bad company.”
I don’t think he’s telling me the whole truth, I think that’s probably a part of his bad mood, but I also believe that he’s tugging himself away from me. Probably because he feels like he has to. Somehow, I need to tell him what I think about that, but it won’t be easy tonight while he’s in this mood.
“Maybe we should just eat,” I say while indicating towards my table. “Have some food, then if you still aren’t feeling happy you can go back to your motel and spend the night there.” I rest my hand over his but I can sense him stiffen as I do so which makes me snatch away. I don’t want to put anything on him while he’s being this way. I understand but that doesn’t make it fair on me. “Unless you don’t want to eat at all.”