Although, playing the game with Carrie and allowing myself to let go, even for that small amount of time, was freeing. It made me feel revitalized and helped me find a sense of purpose, though I was certain it wouldn’t last.
The game was fun, and the company was even better.
When it was over, the two of us settled back in bed together, comforted by the feel of one another.
By this point, we were both tired. Even though it was still only early-evening, I could tell that Carrie had over-extended herself and therefore, I urged her to rest.
She cuddled up next to me and even as she was trying to argue against her exhaustion, she fell into an all-consuming slumber.
I knew the moment that she fell asleep, because of the small amount of weight that was pressed against me. Her soft breathing hit my chest and her arms searched for me, ensuring that I was as close to her as she could possibly get.
I could feel her in my arms, snuggled next to me, with her head on my shoulder and her hair all around me.
Each breath I took, awarded me a whiff of her sweet, alluring scent. I turned my head and watched her sleep for a while. I felt a sense of contentment that I didn’t think existed anymore; at least not for me.
At first, despite my exhaustion, I didn’t want to fall asleep, because that would mean an end to this day, which had turned out to be pretty damn awesome.
However, as time passed, and my thoughts lead deeper into the recesses of my own, dark and disturbed mind, I started to feel guilty for succumbing.
Although, it was a strange kind of guilt that still left me wishing there was more. I wasn’t sure what to do with this information though, since I really had no use for it.
I had always known that it wouldn’t last, hence not wanting to go to sleep. Yet, despite the growing gnawing guilt, I also felt intensely satisfied. I couldn’t remember the last time lovemaking hadn’t left me wishing there was more.
However, more than simply satisfying, this was amazing. Perhaps it was because I hadn’t had any in such a long time, but I had never remembered it being such an experience.
Every part of me felt alive. I felt refreshed and eager. It was almost as though Carrie had breathed new life into me.
For the first time, I was rejuvenated an
d excited about life. Possibilities that I never thought I would care enough to contemplate now seemed possible, even achievable.
However, I knew that one wonderful experience wasn’t enough evidence from which to base an entire life, but it was far more encouragement than I had in a long time and I was going to use it to the fullest.
I gazed down at Cassie, who was asleep next to me. She was wrapped up tightly, both in blankets and my embrace. I watched her chest rise and lower as the movement coincided with her breathing. She seemed entirely content. I hoped that somehow, this had provided her with the peace of mind she needed to enjoy a good night’s rest. I knew she needed it, after everything she had been through.
I closed my eyes, wishing that I could go to sleep.
However, as excited as I was to feel a certain sense of accomplishment, in having successfully given myself to Carrie, the sense of betrayal I felt had only worsened.
For as positive and excited as I was, the insults of my own mind plagued the moment, that was supposed to be peaceful.
I wasn’t sure if I thought going through with the act of lovemaking would help me put the past behind me, breaking the haze of shame that I felt, or if I simply hoped it would. However, I was severely disappointed that nothing of the sort had happened.
Although, for as excited as I was, the sense of treachery I felt I was committing made my stomach churn. I felt sick and disgusted with myself.
How could you do this? I thought, though I knew there was no one I had to answer anymore. Yet, old wounds are the hardest to heal, I suppose.
Trying to ignore the feelings that plagued me, I tried to force sleep upon myself, but that was an unsuccessful endeavor.
So, eventually, I wiggled myself out of the bed, deciding to go for a walk in an effort to clear my head.
When I got up, Jake’s head rose from underneath the covers at our feet, but when he realized that it was only me, he grumbled, huffed, and returned to sleep.
I left Jake there to guard Carrie and Jake didn’t seem to mind.
I quietly exited the cabin and drew in a deep breath of fresh air. I wished for my head to clear, at least minimally, with the breath, but instead, it resorted back to a hazed, worried annoyance as soon as I released the chilly air from my lungs.
I grumbled under my breath and walked out of the clearing, into the woods that have now become the most familiar home I had.