Broken

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to apologize, and I knew why she had said what she did. I knew that I had screwed up when I reacted to her true claims by trying to respond in an equally insulting way but tonight, I couldn’t bring myself to apologize.

After all, I wasn’t even sure if I should even try to make things right. I couldn’t imagine what good it would do.

In my experience, I’m sorry always led to something more and I wasn’t ready for any of that shit. I don’t know about most people, but I know that pouring my heart out to some stranger, only to have her leave wasn’t exactly the therapeutic outlet I needed; and that’s if I was even looking.

Right now, I didn’t want therapy. I didn’t even want to get better, because I figured the journey, if a better mental state was even possible, was going to be far more painful than simply cutting our losses.

Granted, for me, cutting losses meant everything, since she was the only human I had even considered wanting to get to know in a long time, but for her, it wasn’t all that bad. It was a mistake, at most. She could go back to her life and be perfectly fine. If I tried to be the sensitive, apologetic man she seemed to want, I felt I would be apologizing more than I would be doing anything else.

I didn’t want to hurt her. I simply wanted to part ways, before I ended up ruining her life.

However, as I lay across the campsite from her, I still couldn’t help the knowledge of how attracted I was to her. After everything that had happened, the allure I felt went far beyond the idea that I was still responsible for her, safety, or even that of her beauty. Of course, I wanted to see that she was safe, but I knew that I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to her.

I didn’t want to follow her today, because I didn’t want to be in her life anymore than I was already, but now that I had, I was glad to be here with her.

Even though we were arguing, and I was the one being stubborn, I was content, in a way. Whatever we had, being close to her, in any capacity felt right.

I liked doing things for her. As much as I complained and teased her about not making a camp for herself, I was pleased to have the excuse to make my presence known. I was happy to help her, and I wanted to always be the one to help her.

Yet, that intense sense of commitment to her was only a portion of what I was feeling. The other part of me still wanted to leave her as quickly as possible, though I know that I would never actually do it.

Even if I tried, apparently, Jake wouldn’t let me do it.

So, after heavily contemplating all of this, my mind wandered into the idea of what it will really mean when Carrie returns to her normal life.

Am I going to want to visit her? I thought. Am I going to yearn for her, like I do now? I contemplated, even though I knew it was best for me to stay away.

I also wondered if knowing that I was still capable of these feelings would change the way I felt about everyone else. Do I want to return to live a normal life? Should I try to move on, or would I just be setting myself up for failure?

Really, though, what do you have to lose? I thought, this time growing slightly annoyed. I roughly turned on my side, so that the fire, and the small outline of Carrie across the campsite was at my back. I didn’t want to look at her, because I didn’t want to be drawn in by her charm.

Why the hell does this woman make me want to be back in the society that I had completely, successfully disowned? I wondered, shutting my eyes tightly and grinding my teeth with aggravation.

Even though I thought about all of this for far too long, I was even more frustrated by the fact that I never was able to come up with an answer. I still couldn’t understand why this woman was so special to me, when I really didn’t know her much at all.

It was almost as though I was put under a spell that I both loved and hated. Perhaps it was what I needed, but maybe it was going to be the death of me.

I supposed that only time would tell, since I clearly wasn’t able to figure it out for myself.

For a long time, I tossed and turned, annoyed by the glow of the fire and the hardness of the ground, but kept awake by the racing of my thoughts.

However, eventually, I was finally able to fall asleep, thankfully allowing me to escape my thoughts and fall dreamlessly into a deep, encompassing slumber.

Chapter 17: Carrie

The following morning, I awoke, feeling eyes on me.

I tried to ignore it and turn over, but I continued to feel the eyes piercing into the back of my head.

Eventually, the feeling became too much. I groaned and rolled over. Johnathan was sitting there, staring at me, possibly watching me sleep. I wasn’t sure how I should feel about this, though I couldn’t help an initial sense of comfort flow over me.

While I was still curious as to why he was staring at me, I was pleased that he was there.

I started to grin at him but then, I remembered everything that transpired.

I narrowed my eyes and started to get up.

“Whoa, be careful. What are you doing?” He insisted.