Broken

“I’m sure you want to get a move on, so let’s go. The sooner we get to the ranger’s station, the sooner you can get me out of your hair.”

At first, Johnathan didn’t answer me, and I wasn’t sure why. After all, the night before, he had made it crystal clear that he was going whether I was ready to go or not. So, I was simply trying to comply, knowing that the sooner we were able to get going, the sooner I could return to civilization and put this whole experience behind me.

Still, it appeared he was searching through the insults I had flung at him to figure out an appropriate way to respond.

He wasn’t usually so careful with his words, so I was curious about what made him be so cautious now.

“Okay, so, I’m not good at this anyway, but you just made it a little harder. Thank you, very much. You seem to have a talent for that,” he hissed, but didn’t give me time to rebuke before he replied, “I’m trying to say, I’m sorry. You were right. I was out of line and I didn’t mean what I said. I was reacting to what you were telling me. I was angry that you had figured me out so easily, and because you were showing me a part of myself that I don’t like. I thought a lot about this last night and I figured that the decent thing to do would be to tell you the truth. If this is going to be the last time we see each other, I don’t want you to remember me as a total asshole.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I…Work really hard at being the right…a specific…You know what, never mind. Any way I say that is going to sound awful,” he insisted and this time, he let out a small chuckle that I believed might actually be genuine.

I grinned back at him, pleased that he was finally opening up to me. I was so excited, that the anger I felt dissipated completely.

“It’s okay. I forgive you…and I am sorry for giving you the truth in such a hurtful manner,” I answered in a slightly teasing voice.

“Well, that was probably the worst apology I’ve ever heard,” he answered, but continued to keep a small grin curled in the corner of his mouth, which made my heart flutter.

I giggled, “No, but seriously, I am sorry if I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention.”

“Yeah, I know,” he insisted, folding his hands together in a manner that made me feel as though he had more that he wanted to get off his chest.

I was cautious, not wanting to be too pushy, so I simply waited and listened, hoping that I came across as welcoming.

“The truth is…that I’m still not sure I should be telling you this…but here it goes. You are right. I have written off humanity, completely, for about five years now. I only go into town when I really need food, or when I am starting to get cabin fever. I was never much of a people person to begin with but after…an incident, my ability to cope was…bad. I was suicidal, anti-social and, just a burden on anyone who tried to help me. I would show up drunk to the friends that I still had and did a few…regrettable things in pursuit of closure. I never hurt anyone, or anything like that, but eventually, I decided that it was better for everyone if I wasn’t around anymore. Honestly, I’m too much of a coward to kill myself, besides, the dog needs me.”

At this, as though knowing he was being referred to, Jake groaned in his sleep and turned over, his large body thudding down on the ground, shaking it slightly.

“I’m sorry,” I answered quietly, carefully getting to my feet and hobbling over to sit beside him.

“Yeah, it sucked. I didn’t want anything to do with anyone. I chased away anyone who tried to visit me and eventually, people got the hint. I’m not hiding from anything, except maybe respon

sibility,” he chuckled, “But meeting you, it’s given me a new perspective. There is something about you that I can’t put out of my mind.”

“Awe,” I insisted, placing my hand overtop his as a smile overtook my features.

“No, please don’t be happy about that. It’s been a pain in the ass,” he insisted and then, quickly added, “Remember, I’m being honest here. I don’t want to lie to you.” With that, he pulled his hand out of my grasp and looked down, between his knees, as though he was truly ashamed of something, “You’re right. I have been trying to push you away and that is the reason I said those things to you. I’ve been trying to pick a fight with you, trying to get you out of my head.” At this, he looked at me through a sideways glance and let out a long breath, “I didn’t know how to handle these feelings. I thought that there was no way I could ever feel that way again and then, with you, it was just so damn easy. I wanted you from the first time I saw you, but it was more than just sexual…which was strange, because I didn’t even know you…Then, I got to know you a little better and there wasn’t anything that you did that turned me off…Trust me, I tried to find something, but even your honesty was a turn-on.” His shoulders rose and fell as he spoke, as though he wasn’t quite sure how to continue.

I didn’t want to interrupt him, but briefly wondered if he was looking for encouragement.

However, before I could think of anything I deemed appropriate to say, he started to speak again, “I mean, it’s weird to me, having someone give a shit about me. Most of my friends just eventually left me to my own devices, or would agree with me, trying to make me feel better. There wasn’t one person I knew who had the balls to tell me what they felt, how they perceived how I was acting, so I eventually didn’t want anything to do with any of them. I moved up here and things got better. I wasn’t so hateful. Then, the loneliness got to me and to combat that, I convinced myself that there was no way I would let anyone do anything like this to me again. So, I cut myself off from everyone I knew. Then, you came along and screwed it all up,” at that, he chuckled, and his eyes were alight with humor as they gazed at me.

I grinned, though I felt bad. I still didn’t know what it was that had made him feel this way, but I was certain this was a terrible way to live.

“I’m sorry…I think?” I replied, trying to add some lightheartedness to the conversation.

“No, I guess, ultimately it was good, because it made me face a lot of shit. I mean, Jake is a good dog, but…”

“He’s a dog?”

“Yeah, so he was pretty much just as complacent as everyone else…However, not when it came to you. He immediately liked you.”

“Well, the feeling is mutual.” I exclaimed as my eyes wandered over to Jake, who was now asleep on his back, with his paws up in the air, looking like he was dreaming about running. I looked back at Johnathan, now with amorous, hopefully encouraging intent and replied in a playfully teasing manner, “You, on the other hand, I still think I need to warm up to you.”

He laughed, “Good luck. Not even I’ve managed to do that yet.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes, now growing a little more serious with him, “Well, the first thing you need to do is start to trust yourself. If you put too much trust in other people, you’re bound to get let down more often than anything else.”