Broken

“Carrie, you know that there’s nothing you could’ve done, right?” I insisted.

She nodded weakly, and I got the feeling that she had heard that attempt at comfort a million times before.

“That wasn’t really the worst part. Yeah, I mean, I was shocked, devastated and hurt, but I’m getting over that. What I had a harder time with, was when I told my roommate, my parents, and my friends, everyone gave a collective good riddance.”

“What?”

“It wasn’t in so many words, but through their half-hearted condolences, I knew that’s what they meant. No one would talk to me about it. No one thought I should even care. Everyone, almost seemed happy, that now, I would never go back with him, even though I never had any inclination to. I was a different person than I was then, when I was dating him, and I wouldn’t have put up with his shit anymore. Although, I wasn’t happy that he was gone. For the first time, probably since we were kept apart in high school, I missed him. I wanted to go to the funeral, but his mother, who never liked me much anyway, inadvertently blamed me for his death and was unwelcoming to the idea of me showing up. My parents told me that it would only dig up bad memories and my roommate told me that there was no reason for me to mourn a looser, who was never going to amount to anything anyway.”

“Damn…And you said, your parents were supportive?”

Carrie chuckled slightly, “Trust me, what they said was warranted. They tried to be gentle about it, but they had seen me hurt by him, so many times in so many ways, it took a lot for them to be as kind as they were about it.”

“And, your roommate?”

“That’s just the way she is…and, I mean, in their strange way, they were trying to help me, and give me the support that they thought I needed to move on from him, that wasn’t what I needed. I had already moved on. I was mourning for a life that I knew, better than anyone. I was morning for the man I fell in love with, not the abusive jerk who had shattered my self-esteem. So, I decided to take this trip, to get away from the people who were proving to be unhelpful in my grieving process and be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to create a new memory, where I could do what I wanted, be who I wanted, think how I wanted, without anyone telling me that I shouldn’t feel a certain way.”

“Then, you found me,” I added, feeling terrible and wishing that I could hold her.

“Don’t worry, I’m not rebounding or anything. I actually haven’t thought about him much at all…And you’re nothing like him, besides you know your way around the woods.”

“And, I can be an asshole?”

“Yes, but at least you admit it,” she answered in somewhat of a teasing tone and I wondered if maybe, somewhere deep inside, she had forgiven me, even a little bit.

“Yeah, well, there’s no point in trying to deny it,” I replied, stepping closer to her, and hoping that my next question was something she could even answer. “So, with everything that happened, after everything that happened, how can you even think about dating, or trusting anyone ever again?”

“It took a while, but his death didn’t affect me in that way. I only wanted to be there to support him, so that he might have lived. I didn’t want to date him, ever again. I took a long time to find myself. I had a good support system…and school helped. It gave me a goal besides marriage and kids. It distracted me, so that I could have fun. Now, I’m sure if that didn’t destroy me, and I survived him killing himself, which was a fear I lived with every day at the end of our relationship, I could figure out a way to make it through pretty much anything. I couldn’t stop my life at twenty-three and even now, I can’t stop my life for anyone. I need to do what I want to do, with the people I want to do it with. I tend to be blunt, but that’s only because I spent so much of my life not saying what I wanted to say, for fear of angering someone. Now, while I don’t mean any harm, I say what’s on my mind. If you don’t like it, too bad.”

I grinned at her, feeling an overwhelming sensation of attraction.

“Hey, Cassie, would you mind if I walked closer with you, down to the ranger’s station?”

She paused for a moment, glancing at the building, that now wasn’t too far away, before looking back at me and putting out her hand.

“Thank you, Johnathan, I would be honored.”

Chapter 21: Carrie

While it had felt good to tell Johnathan my story, as we walked toward the ranger’s station, I was reminded that he might leave.

Yet, the conversation I had with him had also reminded me that if he did, that was okay.

As angry as I was with him before, after sharing my own secret with him, I felt it was silly to continue in anger.

After all, the last thing that I had learned from my ex’s death is that no matter how far you try to put someone behind you, if they meant enough to you, one moment and one instant could bring them right back to the forefront of my mind.

I didn’t want my ex back, but there was a part of me that genuinely blamed myself for his death.

There were a million ways that I thought I could’ve been better to him, helped him more and stayed by his side, though I knew that wasn’t a possibility.

Deep down, I knew there was nothing that I could do. If I had still been with him, I might have been the one who found him, and I would just be starting my

journey of self-discovery; that is if he hadn’t dragged me down with me.

While I would’ve liked to think that he wouldn’t have hurt me, really hurt me, I got away from him because he scared me. I remembered at the time, having the thought that if I stayed with him, I could die and that was ultimately what made me leave.

So, if I had stayed, logically, I knew there was a much better chance of him killing me, before taking his own life, then there was of me saving him; though I would never admit it.