Broken

Although, being reminded of all this, being brought back there, while explaining what happened to Johnathan had given me the presence of mind to live for the moment. Be in the moment.

When my ex died, I was still angry with him and he knew it. The last thing I had told him was that he was dead to me, when he reached out a couple years before. I was in a bad place, but that wasn’t why I had said it. I had said it so that he would get the hint that the relationship, and any hope of us ever getting back together was gone.

Ultimately, I had said it out of spite and although that was something I was to guilty to ever say to anyone else, that had stuck with me.

I had thought about calling him to apologize, or writing him a letter, but ultimately, I had always thought better of it. I didn’t want him to think that there might be a way for him to wriggle his way back into my heart again and for that, I didn’t regret.

I had more self-respect than that. Yet, I did wish that there was a way I could tell him that I hadn’t meant what I said and that the part of him that I fell in love with, would always remain in my heart.

Therefore, the conversation I had about him with Johnathan reminded me not to make the same mistake; especially to a man who hadn’t hurt me near as bad as my ex had.

If I was going to part ways with him, I wanted to part ways on good terms, with no regrets, and an open invitation, if he ever felt like he could try to assimilate back into society, even if it was for only a day or so.

The conversation I had with Johnathan had also reminded me that these things take time. It had taken mem a long time to be okay with myself, after breaking up with my ex. It was nearly a year before I even wanted to go back to the same places that he frequented, in fear that I would see him, or someone we used to know.

Eventually, that fear subsided though, and I was able to go out and have a good time without looking over my shoulder every minute.

So, I knew that I needed to give Johnathan time. That was the only way he was ever going to make any progress.

I decided to adopt the idea of, it was meant to be, it would be, when it was meant to be; not a second sooner.

Destiny was another thing I knew, mostly because of Kasandra, that you couldn’t force, or run from.

However, when we finally reached the station, I thought it was strange that no one was there.

The building looked more like a lodge than a ranger station, with the attributes of the outside reminding me of the cabin.

I hoped that was a sign that it was another safe space.

Although, the way that it was looking, there wasn’t anyone else around out here. The chimney was unlit and there were no lights on inside the building.

Johnathan and I looked around for a vehicle and knocked on the door, to no avail.

“Hmmmm,” I offered, looking back at Johnathan as he peered inside a window, “Well, I’m here and I’ll be safe. I can handle myself…You don’t have to stay, if you don’t want to.”

“Are you kidding? There’s no one here…” he snickered, “You know Jake won’t let me leave.

“Are you sure? I’ll be okay.”

“Positive…” he answered, knocking on the door one last time before entering.

At the sight of benches, I realized how exhausted I was and imped over to one where I could sit down and prop my leg up. The lights were on and it looked like someone was here at some point, recently, judging by the half-drank coffee on the desk, which was scattered with papers.

Across from the desk, there was a radio, which Johnathan used to call the rangers.

There was static at first, after his initial call, but eventually, a man’s voice comes over the radio, informing Johnathan that they are perfectly safe in the station, but it would be a few hours before they can get a vehicle up to them. Apparently, there was a mud slide that affected an area a little further down the mountain and they were having trouble getting trucks across even to clear it.

Johnathan thanked them and told them that we would be here whenever they could get there.

Afterward, he started to look through the shelves, grabbing snacks and water bottles. He tossed two bottles and a couple of bags of chips in my direction. I downed the first bottle before he even had a chance to speak.

“I know this isn’t the best first meal, but it’ll keep you alive until help arrives.”

“This is fine!” I exclaimed, digging into the first bag of chips. “At this point, this bench is starting to look appetizing,” I joked, as Johnathan poured some water into a bowl for Jake and gave him some of the chips, before sitting next to me.

The closeness I felt as his arm brushed against me was strangely comforting. I grinned at him and scooted closer.

We enjoyed our chips and water, ravenously, as though it was the best food we had ever tasted.