“Is this too much? It is a bit silly of me to think that romance is the answer to all of our problems.” I didn’t know what to say and I could tell from the glaring expression of the chef peeking through the door that he wasn’t very happy that I was doing him a disservice by not eating his food.
It was very romantic with checkered tablecloths and a lone candle to light the way to my heart. I could see other couples in the dim light of their candles showing affection by touching hands and looking longingly into each other’s eyes. Every time that I tried to stare into August’s eyes it made me feel guilty and I had to turn away.
“I hope that you don’t take any offense, but I’m really not that hungry.” I pushed the plate aside and then I took a deep breath and willed myself to walk from the shadows into the light. “There’s somebody else. He showed up unexpectedly. God help me… I have feelings for two men. I feel like I should just let both of you go for your own sake. I should be alone and you certainly don’t need this drama. I thought that it best that I tell you so that you know what you’re up against. This is not a new relationship. This is the one that got away. I sound like a storyline from one of those daytime soap operas.” He looked like I had just told him that his pet had died.
He put his fork down with a piece of Angus beef still clinging to the tines. He picked up his wine and took a sip. That sip turned into one swallow after another until he had drained it down to the last drop. I could see that he was trying to remain calm. He did not look very happy and that awkward silence was killing me.
“I’m glad that you told me. It says a lot for our relationship that you are willing, to be honest. I can’t tell you how to feel. Working with you has been easy. Being with you has been hard, but I thought that we were on the right track. Can you at least tell me how you are leaning in one direction or another? I shouldn’t even ask and putting you on the spot is not going to help matters any. If I thought that it would do any good, I would call him out to a duel with the last man standing to get the lady.” It was nice of him to think in that antiquated way, but it also reminding me that I was dealing with more than enough testosterone. Putting them together would only cause a fight that might end up with the both of them in the emergency room.
“I do feel better for getting that off my chest, August. Jones is the one that I thought I was going to end up with. I had our wedding planned down to the tiniest detail. I’m sure that a lot of girls in their teenage years had that fantasy. He told me that he loved me and I believed him. It was after graduation that he finally admitted that he thought that he could do better. He didn’t come out and say that it was because of my size, but I knew that was the underlying reason.” Thinking back on that day was the hardest thing that I had ever done in my life. I thought that he was better than those guys that laughed behind my back or said things underneath their breath that was a little disparaging.
“I would really like to have a word with him in private. Give me 5 minutes alone with him and I promise that he will apologize for his actions. I can’t be responsible for his safety, but I will beat an apology out of him for you.” I felt like he was my knight in shining armor ready to ride to my rescue on his white steed.
“It would do no good for either one of you to be in the same room together. This has nothing to do with the two of you. This has everything to do with the way that he made me feel and the way that you make me feel. He is that blast from the past that stopped us from showing our feelings last night. I was stupid to throw him into the closet, but I can assure you that he did not stay after you left. I told him that I needed time.” I wanted him to know everything, so there weren’t any surprises that were going to make him see me as some kind of a conniving bitch.
“There comes a time in everybody’s life that we reevaluate. It could be that Jones lost his way and he thinks that you might be the path to redemption. There’s just one thing that I need to know. If this is love between us, then why does it scare me out of my mind? I’m still trying to figure how I ever won your love. What did I do and what did I possibly say that made you think that I can be trusted? You make me want to be a better man. I want to be someone worthy of the kind of love that you can give me every day. I don’t like this feeling of not knowing.” I was worried that he was going to put an end to this before it began.
“I haven’t made any decisions. I promise that you will be the first to know. I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you that I’m going to see him again. I think that I need to know if what I felt for him was real or something that was more of a crush. You don’t have to like it, but you need to give me that time to find out. I’m going to do everything in my power to give you the answer that you need before we leave. I wouldn’t even dream of putting you in a position to work with me if things didn’t work out. If that were to happen, I will gladly give you my resignation, so that we don’t have to see each other ever again. It’s obvious to me that you can do this alone, but I will say that working with you has been a learning experience in more ways than one. We do seem to bring the best out of each other and sometimes the worst. It all goes hand in hand.” Now that I had unburdened my soul, I was getting my appetite back. I devoured everything on my plate and found the sauce to be something that I wanted to bring home to cook with.
I turned with one eye to see that the chef was elated that I had finally given his food a raving recommendation. I thought that he was going to rush over to the table and say something. It probably took all of his willpower not to do that, but he left us to finish our meal.
I saw a side of August that I thought that I would never see again. He had polished off that bottle of wine. I was quite impressed that he was able to handle his liquor in that way.
“I know that look and I don’t appreciate it. I need something to keep me from getting down on my hands and knees and grabbing your ankle to never let you go. I won’t stoop to that level for any woman. If you don’t like what you’ve got, then you have every right to change it. I thought that we had something special. I still want to believe that with all of my heart. I don’t want to go back to who I was before. Don’t get me wrong, that man could get any woman to see him as some kind of Lothario. I can put on that face like I’m putting on a pair of pants, but it doesn’t fit right anymore.” I felt bad that I was hurting him. I wanted to soothe away his pain with soft kisses and a moonlight walk, but that would’ve been screwing with his head.
“I never want to make anybody feel that they are in a losing battle. You have more than a chance. I feel deep down that Jones is only here to make me appreciate what I already have. I think that somebody up there wants me to find the closure to put an end to that chapter of my life.” I knew that it sounded like I was purposely giving him false hope. I had this need to tell Jones to step off, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when we came face to face. I’d already shown myself to be unreliable by letting him think that he even had a chance.
“We all have to do what we have to do. I will wait for you. I won’t be able to wait for you forever. Going to China was supposed to be that big adventure to strengthen our relationship. I will hold out that will still happen until the very day that you tell me that I’m not the one for you. I can’t see that happening, but I need to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario.” He ordered another bottle of wine and then we left there with him holding it like some sort of rummy.
“The only thing that is missing is the brown paper bag.” I was only teasing, but it was way too early to poke fun.
“I’m going to go home and cry in my beer. I’m not literally going to cry, but I get this feeling that I’m not going to feel much of anything in the morning. You might find that I’m a little late to the office. I’m sure that you can handle things on your own until I c
ome in later in the afternoon. It’s a little too hard to be around you when I feel you slipping away. You don’t show me the same fire in your eyes. There’s still something there, but it’s not as strong or undeniable as it was.” He flagged down a taxi and there was no way that he was going to be able to drive in his condition.
I looked down at my watch and I knew that Jones was most likely waiting for me. I had arranged for both of us to sit down in a quiet setting where nobody was going to interrupt. I needed to grill him mercilessly on his intentions and why after all this time that he decided to come here. There had to be a reason and I didn’t buy for a second that it was because a relationship had gone sour.
“I’m not even going to ask you what you are going to do with the rest of your evening. I get the feeling that I already know and that’s the reason why I’m probably going to have this bottle of wine half done before I even get back to my building.” I felt like I had to reach out to him but for the time being, I had to let him go.
I put my hand on the window to the taxi and he placed one finger against mine through the glass. He was shaking his head back and forth in obvious disbelief that he had gotten involved with a woman that had another to fall back on.
I needed this time to clear my head and to come up with the right words that I was going to say to Jones. That man had always had the ability to make me feel like I was somebody else. He could lift me out of any depression with a whisper in my ear. There were a lot of other things that he could get me to do.
I stood in front of the coffee shop and he was right there nursing a cappuccino. I got a little closer to the window and I was appalled by what he was looking at on his phone. Those were photos that he had said that he had deleted. We got a little silly one night and I showed a bit more skin than I was meaning to at such an impressionable age. He was playing photographer for some high-priced magazine and I was his subject. I was aghast to learn that he was keeping them for posterity.
I had my hand up to my mouth in shock. They were very intimate poses that were not unlike what you would see in penthouse. I should’ve known that he was never going to delete the last and final reminder of our time together. It did make me feel a little better. It was sick, but keeping those photos showed that I wasn’t out of his heart or his life.
I didn’t know if I should confront him about the photos. I didn’t like the idea that he could show them to anybody and that was precisely the reason why I had asked him to delete them. He was reluctant and told me that he was only going to use them for inspiration. I knew exactly what he meant by that and it was kind of gratifying to know that I was the fuel for the fire. It seemed unlikely that he wouldn’t share that bit of history with some of his so-called friends.
I had to take a few minutes to compose myself and make myself less angry by this latest betrayal. He was always saying one thing and doing another. I thought that little boy mentality was erased, but it was raising its ugly head yet again.
I stepped into the coffee shop and he immediately shut things down with this guilty expression on his face. He never was able to hide things from me, but that didn’t stop me from loving him. I’m not even sure that I knew what love was back then. He did say those three little words. There was no real conviction behind them to indicate that he truly believed that he was in the presence of the one that was going to make him happy for the rest of his life. I was dreaming to think that I had him wrapped around my little finger.
“I could have thought of something better for us to do than sit here and drink coffee all night. Do you remember the massage that I gave you out of the blue? I can see from the way that you are looking at me and the way that your face has flushed with embarrassment that you do remember. I remember vividly the way that my hands felt on your skin as I glided them over with that warm oil between my fingertips. I remember the way that you made that sound that always got to me.” I had the tendency to giggle like a schoolgirl when I got overly excited. I had tried to suppress that when I was with August, but I knew that deep down that it was going to come out eventually.
I went to retrieve a cup of coffee that was black with no sweeteners or cream. I needed that jolt of caffeine to keep me alert. I had to prevent myself from falling for his bull shit.
“I remember a lot of things about back then. I seem to recall that you had eyes for another before I even met you. I knew all about you, but I never thought that you would give me the time of day. It was only when I found that note in my locker that I found out that you were harboring a crush on me. I thought that you were joking and that it was some way to make me look like a fool in front of all of your classmates.” I remembered the old truck and the way that we had steamed up the windows to keep warm.