‘You’re not too bad yourself you know,’ I reply with a big smile on my face. ‘I think I might like you xx’
It’s hard not to run too fast when it seems like he is too, it’s challenging to keep myself intact. But if it isn’t putting him off me then I don’t see the issue. We aren’t exactly doing things in the right order, are we?
‘I like you too… I’m certainly looking forward to Wednesday. You’ll make this week easier xxx’
I imagine him at his desk, miserable because of work but happy because of me and I like that idea a lot. It’s nice to have him just as in this as me, even if we don’t fully know where we’re headed. But for now, I don’t want to think about that. It’s much more pleasant to live in the here and now. Everything else can come later.
13
Logan
The humming doesn’t stop, I can’t seem to switch it off, however hard I try. Happiness circles through me and coils my veins, making me act in a way I haven’t done for a very long time. I’m not myself and that’s all because of her. The raven haired beauty from the train who’s made my life a very different place to me.
“You’re happy today,” Emily, the secretary who I’ve never had much time for before, comments. “Especially since it’s a Monday morning. What’s going on in the world of Logan Matthews then?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” I shrug but choose to keep my secret to myself. I don’t want me and Tamara to become the subject of office gossip which is possible if nothing phenomenal has happened this weekend. “Just happy.”
“Well, I wouldn’t let Ron see you like that. He’ll want to crush it out of you immediately. You know how he is. He likes to keep this place a hell hole of sheer misery. You cannot mess that up for him.”
A booming laugh bursts from my chest, probably the first genuine one I’ve ever let out since I came to work here. It’s not so much that Emily’s joke is funny - it’s much too true for that - but I’m just buzzing. I feel like an excitable child about to break up for the school holidays, or one who’s been let loose in a candy store.
“Yeah, you’re right, I’ll turn down the smile.” I give her a nod. “See ya later on, Emily.”
There’s a definite bounce to my step as I head to my desk and I’m completely unbothered by the deep grayness of the walls. Everything that was once so depressing about this place still exists, but it doesn’t trouble me nearly as much. I can let it wash off of me like water off a duck’s back. None of it matters when I’m this happy.
I take a seat and swing back on my chair. I can’t see the window from here unless I lean really far until almost tipping point, but I just want to see a glimpse of the sky. Even though I’ve just come from outside I want to see it again. It’s when leaning back that I catch the attention of Ron, much to my annoyance.
“Ah, Logan,” he growls gruffly at me, narrowing his eyes. “I want to talk to you about last week’s reports.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. “I got them all in on time last week, I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know that.” He actually sounds surprised as if he hasn’t spent the last few months yelling at me to focus every damn day. “I just want more. I need the monthly one with more details for a meeting this afternoon…”
As he drones on, explaining exactly what he wants and why, anger bubbles inside of me. If I don’t work to Ron’s standards, he gets pissed with me, and if I do he expects me to do more. I can’t win. I wanted to spend the majority of today filling in the data entry forms that need completing while doing some more planning. That’s how I relax and get back into the swing of things on Monday mornings. I don’t need more added to that.
By the time he leaves my desk, I let the annoyance subside. I suppose I’m still happy, I don’t need to let one little set back irritate me. It’s pointless. Ron will be Ron whatever I do and I’ll still be out of this place soon.
I don’t know what it is but the idea of going isn’t quite filled with the same joy it once was. I still want to explore the world but I actually have something to stay for now, someone I care about.
This is crazy, I warn myself. I can’t stay for Tamara. I’ll always regret it. This is my world wide trip!
I know that I can’t allow two dates and one amazing night to change everything that I’ve been working on for years, but I can still feel that odd pull inside. I just don’t want to leave and lose her. The idea of coming back and finding her with someone else, married maybe, it destroys me. She’s amazing, why wouldn’t someone else notice that? Of course they will, I can’t be the only person to see her beauty and spark. She’s freaking beautiful.
I bang my fists on the desk, happiness subsiding and becoming something else. I can feel it churning angrily inside of me, frustrating me. This isn’t right, I shouldn’t be pissed off because of this. It’s good, everything’s going really well, why is my brain so desperate to wreck this for me? What is my problem?
Stop thinking, just work. That’s such an easy idea but hard to follow through. Just focus on the data, all will be fine. I don’t need to get up in my own head about this, I just need to be normal.
I can’t work out what it is about Tamara that makes me insane, she isn’t like anyone else. I feel lost when I’m not with her, lonely when we’re apart, happy when we’re together, like she completes me. This is mental. I’m massively out off control. Even in the early days with Laura, it wasn’t like this. There’s something inside of me, telling me that this is special and I shouldn’t let it go. Some fling to get me back on the horse, huh! This is exactly the sort of thing that Alistair would kick my damn ass about. I shouldn’t be so freaking serious. Why can’t I just go with the flow? Why can’t I just be easy going? Honestly, I crave that for myself!
I bring the spreadsheet to life and start doing the mindless task I need to complete, all the while batting thoughts out of my brain. It isn’t easy to focus, but I need to, I can’t get sucked in by anxiety. It isn’t helpful, it sure as hell isn’t useful, so I need to just forget about it. Typing is easier, I just need to do that.
But of course, it doesn’t go anywhere. The anxiety sticks with me all day long. I keep getting these images of leaving and having to say goodbye to this happiness forever. I can’t expect Tamara to wait for me. I’ll be gone for at least six months, it could be the thing that kills us. I know it’s insane, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking it. It’s still there, worrying me, concerning me more than it should.
“What is the matter?” Al asks me with a sharp tone. “Where’s the happy bastard from this morning?”
I try to laugh, to show that I’m not really miserable, but I can’t really hide it. It’s there, tugging at me, bothering me. My best friend knows me all too well. “I don’t know, I’m just freaking myself out.”
“Oh God.” He groans and rolls his eyes. “Only you could turn sex into something more complicated.”