“Are you kidding me?” Katherine snaps. “Like I’m going to do that…”
“I don’t mean with me.” He rolls his eyes. “I meant alone. I can stay out on the couch. I just want to help out and I feel quite useless. If it helps Tamara then I can give up my bed for one night.”
Me and Katherine share a look, shocked by this offer, but it’s nice. I’m glad she’s getting to see a bit of Al’s kind heart because it shows why we’re good friends. He is awesome really.
“Well, thank you, Al, that’s awesome.” We’re really working together now. “Then in the morning we can get started. Mission Help Tamara will be well underway which is positive.”
24
Tamara
The zoo… the fucking zoo….
I suppose I can understand why this would be suggested, in my right mind I would normally love this, but today I just feel as shitty and gray as the weather. The trickles of rain dotting from the sky are so annoying because they’re getting me soaking wet without any effort. If it could actually bother to piss it down I might have some respect for it but the clouds just cannot be assed. It sucks and it’s irritating the crap out of me.
I actually wish that Katherine and Alistair would start arguing again just to give me something to amuse me. They are being pointedly civil and it’s rather stupid. It’s really driving me up the wall, actually.
“So, you two are just friends now?” I spit out angrily. “That’s just the way that things are going to be?”
Katherine and Al share a guilty look. They must feel bad that I can see right through the rouse. They still hate one another it’s burning between them, I would much rather they be honest before I go insane.
“There are more important things than bitching at one another,” Katherine bites out. “Like this. This is nice, isn’t it? We’re having a nice day out at the zoo. It’s much better than arguing.”
“Urgh, whatever.” I roll my eyes and snort. “I just want to go home, this sucks. The weather is crap, the animals are all in hiding, and I’m just done. This is tiring me out. Can I just go back to bed already? I barely got any sleep, especially after I woke up and found that I wasn’t at home in my own bed.” I sigh loudly as the accusation rolls off my tongue. “I know that you’re all just trying to be nice but I would much rather be left alone.”
“Tamara, we just…” Katherine reaches out to touch my arm but I shake her off like a buzzing fly. She looks hurt, but I just can’t deal with that right now. “We just want to do what we can. We all love you, you know that.”
I turn my back on all of them and stare into the lion’s enclosure
with tears burning my retinas. The logic side of my brain knows that I shouldn’t push away the people closest to me, but my emotions are too painful, too controlling, they’re running the show even if I don’t want them to. Knowing that I had a glimpse of a memory after the wine bottle incident but that I still can’t recall it is killing me. It’s soul destroying.
I can’t exactly try another hard bump to the head either. I don’t think I’d be brave enough while sober and also the doctor did say that I could give myself permanent damage or make the memory loss worse. Of all the things that I can’t remember, that’s one I can. Unfortunately. That knowledge is killer. I’m stuck.
“I’m sorry, can you all just give me a moment alone? I need to be by myself. Just for a second.”
I heard footsteps move, but only two sets. I wonder which person has stayed behind. Probably Katherine. She can’t fake to be nice to Al for long enough for them to actually be alone together. That idea could make me smile.
“I’m sorry, Tamara.” Oh, it’s Logan! It seems that I was wrong. “I’m sorry about all of this. I know that I keep getting it wrong, but just know I’m trying. I want to be whatever you need me to be right now. We’re all here because we only want what’s best for you. Me, Katherine, even Alistair. We all just want you back again.”
Back… if only I can get myself back. It sounds so easy, but it isn’t really. I don’t even remember me.
I don’t say anything, I don’t even turn to look at him. I want to, but I fear I might fall into his eyes and the vulnerability will be set free. It feels like I’m at the absolute edge of what I can handle and anything more will tip me over. I’m trying to ward off a break down, that’s my main priority right now. Holding it all together.
“Okay, well I’m going to join the others. We’ll go up to the café to get a hot drink. I’ll buy you a coff… a drink.” I hate the way he stops there because he cannot even say the word ‘coffee’ anymore, not without reminding me of all the things that I just don’t know. “Join us whenever you feel ready, okay?”
He touches my arm for just one second, and surprisingly I don’t flinch away. I don’t mind his skin on mine, even if I can’t find any comfort in it. If I were any brave I might have asked him to stay there, to continue comforting me, but I don’t and soon he goes leaving me cold and alone. My skin where his hand was only moments before, is even icier than the rest of me and that’s saying something. I miss him, I miss having that deep connection, I miss the relationship that we once started. I really wish we could be back in that place.
I suppose the only thing I can do to keep moving forward is to do whatever the damn doctor suggests to get my memories back. I’ve been pretty resistant to all of it so far because I’m so dragged down by it all, but if I want to get my life back then I need to take action. I need to get the rational side of my brain back in control.
For Logan. For my friends too. They want it for me and I want it for myself too.
With a deep sigh I turn and I head towards the café, trying to drag a little bit of positivity out. It’s hard to dig out but I have to have a go. Otherwise I only have myself to blame for the negativity in my life.
The room smells funny. It’s like an odd, musky smell. Maybe vanilla in there too? I don’t know, but if it’s supposed to be a comforting scent then it doesn’t really work. I’m more on edge than ever. My nerves are darting and dancing around my system, refusing to settle however hard I try.
I think about Logan and the others sitting in the waiting room for me where they were told to remain, wishing I could have brought them in with me, this is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to go through.
“Hello there, Tamara.” The kind elderly looking woman smiles softly at me. I can tell that she’s trying to be comforting too but again, the opposite effect is raging through my body. “Please, take a seat.”